Title: Drowning Ophelia.
Author: Cairnsy
Pairing: Reishin and Kouyuu, Shuuei.
Rating: PG
Word Count: aprox 2500 words
Summary: Even Kouyuu has a breaking point.
Prompt: February 10th: Saiunkoku Monogatari, Reishin/Kouyuu: mental disorders, mental instability - drowning
A/N: Late fic for the 10th, which isn’t too bad since I’ve still got one that was due the 8th (It’s coming ^_^). Thi story fought me every step of the way.
Drowning Ophelia.
The towering stacks of paperwork on Kouyuu’s desk resemble tall pillars of salt. Kouyuu doesn’t attempt to look past them anymore, instead grinding his teeth and reading through each ridiculous complaint and trumped up report with a worn down single mindedness. He scoffs darkly as he strikes out line after line from the report he is currently reading, his impatience only growing at the sheer stupidity he is being forced to decipher. Just because Reishin-sama has taken to passing most of his work onto Kouyuu does not mean that such foolishness will not go unnoticed. In fact, Kouyuu thinks there is perhaps a greater chance of it being caught now that he is in charge-
Well. Not in charge. Just because his father has taken leave of his office - and perhaps also his senses- does not mean that Kouyuu can step so completely into his role. There are already rumours rumbling through the department about how Kouyuu is overstepping his bounds, and yet not one of them has offered to assist with the work that has been unofficially ‘delegated’ to him.
Kouyuu hardly cares, either way. If this is what Reishin-sama wishes Kouyuu to do, then Kouyuu will do it.
That does not, of course, mean he has to enjoy it.
~/~
The coolness of the water seeps instantly through the bottom layers of Kouyuu’s robes and straight into his soul. He gasps slightly out loud at the sudden shock of it all, but then a small smile is twisting at his lips as he feels all the tension, all the heat that has been curled so tightly around him drain away. He takes another hesitant step into the lake, then another. The quietness is just as smothering as the ice cold water, however instead of smothering Kouyuu in a brittle heat that robes him of any ability to think straight, the water and the quietness steal away his ability to think at all.
Kouyuu has always thought far too much about things.
~/~
Reishin waltzes into the office, his arms laden with oranges. Kouyuu lets out a desperate yelp as Reishin brushes some of the paperwork aside with one hand before dumping the oranges onto Kouyuu’s desk.
“Aren’t they the juiciest oranges you’ve ever seen?” Reishin says happily as Kouyuu angrily picks up the papers and books that are now scattered all across his floor. “Only the best for-“
“- I need you to sign off some paperwork for me.” Kouyuu cuts in, his patience near non-existence. He hasn’t had a good nights sleep in at least a week, and he is damned if Reishin alone will be spared his short temper.
“You can sign them,” Reishin says off handedly, gleefully squeezing each of the oranges in turn. “Nobody cares as long as it all gets done.”
Kouyuu cares, because he likes things done properly and the way they’re supposed to be. Reishin, however, chooses that moment to sweep the oranges back up into his arms, and it is only when Reishin stills at the door that Kouyuu has a moment to complain.
“Reishin-sama-“
“Catch.”
Then Reishin-sama is gone, and Kouyuu is left carefully cradling one of Reishin’s perfect, special oranges in his hands.
~/~
“This isn’t the best place for an evening swim.” There is humour in Shuuei’s voice, although it is awash with concern. Kouyuu doesn’t turn to face his friend, instead dipping his head backwards so the slither of moonlight that has slipped through the clouds can whitewash his face in ivory. Shuuei shouldn’t fit here amongst the gentle sloshing of the waves and the stillness of the evening, and yet Kouyuu finds that Shuuei does.
“I’m lost.” The quiet admission is spoken to the moon. They are words that Kouyuu has avoided saying all his life, denying at every turn that he doesn’t quite know how he has gotten where he is. He isn’t sure now why he ever let such simple, uncomplicated words have such a hold over him, especially when finally speaking them aloud for the first time brings a sudden sense of peace.
“I know.” A pause. “Kouyuu-“
“Don’t.”
~/~
Kouyuu wakes in a wash of tension. The cool air that slides through his window does little to rob the heat from the muscles in his shoulders and back, and an irritated groan escapes through his lips as he clumsily rises. Sleeping in his own bed instead of the hard, impractical one in the library seems to make little difference, although perhaps if he could just grab a few more hours -
“You’re going to be late,” Reishin-sama coolly says as Kouyuu slips on his heavy winter coat. “I have to go out today, there will be work sent to your desk that I expect you to have done before I return.”
“I don’t have time to do your work as well as mine,” Kouyuu heatedly says in response. Reishin doesn’t respond, his impassive gaze stilling on Kouyuu for a moment.
“The work needs to be finished before you return home.”
~/~
“I know,” Kouyuu says finally, although the words are almost drowned out by the gentle sloshing of the waves. “I know,” he echoes again, louder, angrier. “I’m just being stupid.” The cool water is now at his knees, and Kouyuu exhales deeply as it soaks through his robes and chills his skin. He could easily stay out here for days. “He didn’t do anything different to what he’s already done a hundred times before, he never does.” It is always the same.
“Then perhaps it is you who needs to change.” Shuuei’s words cause Kouyuu’s eyes to flicker open. “If he will not change to be what you want him to be, then maybe you must change to be what he wants.” A frown forms on Kouyuu’s forehead.
“Shuuei?” Kouyuu asks hesitantly, childishly, all the while not daring to turn around and face his friend.
“Have you ever stopped to consider that this might be your fault?”
~/~
He feels as though it has been weeks since he last slept, although Kouyuu knows that this cannot possibly be true. It’s ridiculous how often he finds himself drifting off while working on a report, however, and he is steeling up his confidence to confront Reishin-sama about his excess workload when the door to his office is flung open with such strength that one of the piles of paperwork on his desk collapses.
“What is this?” Reishin demands coldly as he thrusts a piece of paper in front of Kouyuu. There is no apology, no greeting, no explanation, just another piece of parchment that takes Kouyuu a few seconds too long to focus properly on.
“It’s the delegation of funds for the Agriculture department,” Kouyuu finally says, his gaze flickering over the figures. Everything seems to be in order …
“Look at the final number,” Reishin says with a dangerous level of impassiveness. Kouyuu does.
Oh god.
“You have just allocated three quarters of the department’s funds for the year to repainting their front door.”
Oh GOD.
Kouyuu finds he cannot breathe, and his fingers begin to tremble even as his gaze remains locked on the figure. There are too many zeros, too many ones. There have also been far too many piles of paperwork and not enough hours of sleep to keep him from saying what he says next.
“Maybe if you had done your own paperwork instead of adding it to my already ridiculous workload then I wouldn’t have made such a stupid, stupid mistake.” His irate eyes narrow in on Reishin and he throws the report back down onto his desk. “How can you expect me to deal with all of this?” His frantic gaze sweeps over the piles of paperwork, and while Kouyuu is angry, so very angry, what he desperately needs is for Reishin-sama to understand that it’s simply too much.
But Reishin-sama doesn’t. He never does.
“I did not think you were so incompetent that you would blame someone else for your mistakes,” Reishin harshly says in response. It is all he says, but then, nothing else needs to be said. As Reishin leaves, Kouyuu is sure that the roar that suddenly echoes through his ears is the sound of his heart shattering.
~/~
“I, I don’t understand.” The water swirls around his thighs, dragging now at his robes and weighing them down. Kouyuu has to force himself to focus on Shuuei’s voice through the icy threads that seem to be slowly soaking into his thoughts, numbing everything there into a blissful quietness that Kouyuu only half-heartedly fights.
“Do you wish to be everything Reishin wants, or for him to be everything you want him to be?” Shuuei doesn’t usually speak in such twisted ways, but then Shuuei rarely talks about Reishin at all. It is why Kouyuu tries desperately to centre on Shuuei’s voice, even though it is becoming increasingly distant. “Because you cannot have both, Kouyuu.”
“I know,” Kouyuu replies emptily. “You think I’ve been selfish.”
“Yes.”
“I’m asking too much of Reishin-sama.”
“Yes.”
While offering nothing in return.
“Yes.”
“Shuuei, I’m lost.” It is almost a plea.
His best friend remains silent.
~/~
He doesn’t see Reishin that night, and when Kouyuu returns to his office the next morning his desk has been completely cleared. It is not simply the paperwork which is gone but all of Kouyuu’s books and pens, and even his small wastebasket is conspicuously missing. His heart jumps to his throat as he tentatively opens his drawers, only to find each one completely empty as well.
“You will be spending the next week with my brother.” Reishin’s emotionless comment from the doorway causes Kouyuu to spin instantly on his heels. “You’re no use to me here if you can’t even do simple calculations without supervision.”
Kouyuu clenches his fists at his sides in defiance even as his mind descends into turmoil.
“If that is what you want.” Anger. Hurt. Fury. Fear. Hurt. Drowning.
Annoyance flickers briefly in Reishin’s gaze. “You think that perhaps I just moved all your belongings because I thought they clashed with the wall hangings?” Bored sarcasm drips from each of Reishin’s words, and Kouyuu’s knuckles turn white.
Kouyuu has too much pride to say anything as he storms past Reishin, although the mere fact that he storms at all surely undermines his silence. Their eyes meet for just a moment as Kouyuu brushes past, and the desperate plea that Kouyuu is too proud to speak out loud dominates his gaze.
Kouyuu leaves. Reishin doesn’t stop him.
~/~
“He doesn’t want a son, he never has.” As hollow as the words are, they ring true.
“Then you need to stop attempting to fill that role.” Shuuei speaks calmly and with a gentle, constant rhythm that reminds Kouyuu of the water that ripples so effortlessly around him. “If he does not want a son, then what is it he wishes for?”
“A servant,” Kouyuu responds instantly. “Someone to do all his work,” he adds a second later, heat entering his voice. “A drone.”
“Can you be that for him?”
“Should I be that for him?” Kouyuu counters, and for the first time he realises just how cold the lake is. Kouyuu is not used to taking an attacking role when discussing Reishin-sama with Shuuei, and it feels almost as though he is arguing more with himself than with his sly best friend. “If he considers me valueless, then why should I hold him in such regard?”
“Why indeed?” Shuuei practically sing songs, his words laced with humour. “So, you are going to leave him, then?”
Leave? Reishin-sama? The fear that strikes through him is like ice. Reishin-sama is his everything; his motivation, his purpose. Life without Reishin-sama would be -
Liberating.
“Kouyuu,” Shuuei says softly, so softly that Kouyuu doesn’t know how he manages to hear him. “You’re crying.”
~/~
Kouyuu still leaves late each evening, although sometimes he doesn’t leave at all, choosing instead to sleep in the archives. It is not the first time that Reishin-sama has cast him aside once Kouyuu has become useless to him, and Kouyuu knows he should be used to his rejection by now. When Reishin-sama finds that the staff he has roped in to cover Kouyuu’s workload do not get it done as quickly or as efficiently as Kouyuu does, then Reishin-sama will surely summon him back.
Surely.
For some reason, the thought leaves Kouyuu feeling hollow.
He is heading back to the Kou estate tonight because he is weak and it has been too many nights since he has even been in the same room as his father. Kouyuu is certain he should be feeling a mixture of anticipation and anger at allowing himself to be drawn back to Reishin-sama, yet as he approaches the estate all he feels is…
Hollow. Hollow, and strangely warm.
Kouyuu curses as he stumbles briefly from the poorly lit path that weaves through the Kou gardens and into the shallow edges of the artful lake that Reishin-sama had built for Yuri-hime years before. It is far bigger than any private lake really should be, and much too deep towards the middle for the sort of fish that Yuri-hime had wished for. It is a typical Reishin product, all flash and no substance.
A tiny, mirthless smirk curls at Kouyuu’s lips.
~/~
Kouyuu sways gently, buffeted by the waves that swirl around his waist. The topmost layers of his robes float on the water like petals in full bloom, although they are starting to lose the battle against the tiny undercurrents that have already dragged the inner layers of Kouyuu’s robes down. Kouyuu dips his head, allowing his hair to slide over his shoulders and shield his eyes.
The water is cold, numbing. Kouyuu is so tired of heat.
And then, like a water reed that has been battered by the constant rippling waves of a river for just a moment too long, Kouyuu breaks.
~/~
“Did you see that?”
“See what?”
“I’m sure I just saw some movement out on the lake.”
“The lake?” A dry laugh. “It’s more a pit than a lake, and this is hardly the time of day - or year - for someone to take a boat out. I doubt even Reishin would be that idiotic.”
“I suppose you’re right, Houju-sama.” Pause. “I’m sure it’s nothing - Houju-sama!“
Splash.
“Get Reishin, quickly!”
“Y-yes, Houju-sama!” Panic and horror.
“And Doctor Tou!” Splash, splish. “And send someone to get the Ran boy!”
“Shuuei left for the Ran province weeks ago!” Desperate, distant.
“Go, Yuuri!”