syvia
in
springkink
Much Ado About Nothing (Benedick/Claudio)
Title: Much Ado About Nothing, Act I, Scene I, The Fangirl's Cut
Author/Artist: syvia
Rating: PG for the first, light R for the second
Warnings: none
Word Count: ~700
Notes: Betaed by the lovely dusknobody. *hugs her*
Summary: Benedick feels like he's being replaced and is not a happy bunny. I tried my best to imitate the printing format used in the older copies of Shakespeare's plays, as well as the style of the Bard himself. So! When you, prompter, said the play was acceptable in the prompt... XD I hope you meant this.
Prompt: 47. Much Ado About Nothing (Shakespeare, play or movie), Benedick/Claudio: poorly-concealed jealousy - "What does he see in her, anyway?"
D. Pedro. In practice let us put it presently. [Exit.
Re-enter BENEDICK.
Bene. What is't mine ears profess, my mind cannot.
Thou'll soon be brought low by a mere wren of a girl?
One of the weaker sex to do what the whole of our enemies could not?
Which is not to say, a friend could not do't with wit and rapier both.
Claud. In wit I shall never match, argue it not
but faith, thy sword shall never overcome mine for speed
Bene. For length I shall have the better weapon,
and speed is rather a lack of skill
than one to be prized by a Lady, but Claudio,
how canst thou thus be married?
Claud. By the grace of God, the love of Hero, and the goodwill of her father- only one of which is certain.
Bene. Let it be the first that is't- for the world must be peopled.
Let the second and third be upon the Prince, and in such it is certain to be,
for he hath the gift of persuasion.
Claud. But why dost thou frown?
Bene. Is she wise that she doth catch your ear?
Fair that she holds your eye?
I would not see the exchange thine present company for lesser.
Claud. Whyfor exchange?
Bene. Why married men are hung upon and begged for all attention.
They are unable to leave their wives for even a moment
for like a weighted ball upon a steel chain, a woman may so restrain a man.
Claud. What dost thou know of marriage?
Bene. Other men may not come to their homes
for should another divide the husband's attention
a wife shall talk the hapless guest to distraction and keep all eyes upon themselves.
Claud. Farewell, good friend.
Bene. Is she so fair in all respects that her company entices you more than that which I give thee?
Claud. In that way that a woman may entice a man.
Bene. This is to put an end to thee, for already thou lookst sick and pale.
Claud. Love is hardly a sickness, Benedick.
I feel more whole and able than ere I was upon the field of battle.
Bene. Nay, it is a sickness, for already thy humors are changed.
Hear you not a word I say?
Claud. Were you to speak of Hero's fair countenance, I should here thee better.
Bene. Now sir, I have done with you- you are mad with love
an' I cannot cure it with sober wisdom and good judgment,
it were not cured at all. [Exit.
Claud. I would not be cured for all the wealth of Messina. [Exit.
Also- for those of you who aren't interested in the Play/Script version with it's bitchin' format and possibly confusing dialogue (;p), have the parody cliffnotes.
Benedick: She's turning you into a little bitch. Not that I couldn't.
Claudio: So you're smarter than me, big deal. I can whip your ass with a sword- you won't even see me coming!
Benedick: My sword is longer, and being fast with it isn't really something you want other people to know about. ... Married. HOW CAN YOU BE GETTING MARRIED?
Claudio: First- fuck you. Second- if she says yes, as soon as possible.
Benedick: The Prince is a pimp, don't worry about her saying yes.
Claudio: ...Why do you look so pissed off?
Benedick: Is she as smart as I am? Is she prettier than me? You're downsizing here.
Claudio: What, I won't see you around anymore?
Benedick: Please- she'll hang on you all the time and never want you to leave the house.
Claudio: Riiiiiiight, because you've been married so many times and know exactly what happens-
Benedick: If I ever came to visit, she'd talk my ear off and I'd have to pay attention to her instead of you.
Claudio: Whatever, man. I'm going to dinner.
Benedick: Is she that much better than me?
Claudio: She has a vagina.
Benedick: Damnit.
Claudio: Could you at least try to be happy for me?
Benedick: No. I'm losing a fuckbuddy. *stomps off*
Claudio: ... He'll get over it.
Author/Artist: syvia
Rating: PG for the first, light R for the second
Warnings: none
Word Count: ~700
Notes: Betaed by the lovely dusknobody. *hugs her*
Summary: Benedick feels like he's being replaced and is not a happy bunny. I tried my best to imitate the printing format used in the older copies of Shakespeare's plays, as well as the style of the Bard himself. So! When you, prompter, said the play was acceptable in the prompt... XD I hope you meant this.
Prompt: 47. Much Ado About Nothing (Shakespeare, play or movie), Benedick/Claudio: poorly-concealed jealousy - "What does he see in her, anyway?"
D. Pedro. In practice let us put it presently. [Exit.
Re-enter BENEDICK.
Bene. What is't mine ears profess, my mind cannot.
Thou'll soon be brought low by a mere wren of a girl?
One of the weaker sex to do what the whole of our enemies could not?
Which is not to say, a friend could not do't with wit and rapier both.
Claud. In wit I shall never match, argue it not
but faith, thy sword shall never overcome mine for speed
Bene. For length I shall have the better weapon,
and speed is rather a lack of skill
than one to be prized by a Lady, but Claudio,
how canst thou thus be married?
Claud. By the grace of God, the love of Hero, and the goodwill of her father- only one of which is certain.
Bene. Let it be the first that is't- for the world must be peopled.
Let the second and third be upon the Prince, and in such it is certain to be,
for he hath the gift of persuasion.
Claud. But why dost thou frown?
Bene. Is she wise that she doth catch your ear?
Fair that she holds your eye?
I would not see the exchange thine present company for lesser.
Claud. Whyfor exchange?
Bene. Why married men are hung upon and begged for all attention.
They are unable to leave their wives for even a moment
for like a weighted ball upon a steel chain, a woman may so restrain a man.
Claud. What dost thou know of marriage?
Bene. Other men may not come to their homes
for should another divide the husband's attention
a wife shall talk the hapless guest to distraction and keep all eyes upon themselves.
Claud. Farewell, good friend.
Bene. Is she so fair in all respects that her company entices you more than that which I give thee?
Claud. In that way that a woman may entice a man.
Bene. This is to put an end to thee, for already thou lookst sick and pale.
Claud. Love is hardly a sickness, Benedick.
I feel more whole and able than ere I was upon the field of battle.
Bene. Nay, it is a sickness, for already thy humors are changed.
Hear you not a word I say?
Claud. Were you to speak of Hero's fair countenance, I should here thee better.
Bene. Now sir, I have done with you- you are mad with love
an' I cannot cure it with sober wisdom and good judgment,
it were not cured at all. [Exit.
Claud. I would not be cured for all the wealth of Messina. [Exit.
Also- for those of you who aren't interested in the Play/Script version with it's bitchin' format and possibly confusing dialogue (;p), have the parody cliffnotes.
Benedick: She's turning you into a little bitch. Not that I couldn't.
Claudio: So you're smarter than me, big deal. I can whip your ass with a sword- you won't even see me coming!
Benedick: My sword is longer, and being fast with it isn't really something you want other people to know about. ... Married. HOW CAN YOU BE GETTING MARRIED?
Claudio: First- fuck you. Second- if she says yes, as soon as possible.
Benedick: The Prince is a pimp, don't worry about her saying yes.
Claudio: ...Why do you look so pissed off?
Benedick: Is she as smart as I am? Is she prettier than me? You're downsizing here.
Claudio: What, I won't see you around anymore?
Benedick: Please- she'll hang on you all the time and never want you to leave the house.
Claudio: Riiiiiiight, because you've been married so many times and know exactly what happens-
Benedick: If I ever came to visit, she'd talk my ear off and I'd have to pay attention to her instead of you.
Claudio: Whatever, man. I'm going to dinner.
Benedick: Is she that much better than me?
Claudio: She has a vagina.
Benedick: Damnit.
Claudio: Could you at least try to be happy for me?
Benedick: No. I'm losing a fuckbuddy. *stomps off*
Claudio: ... He'll get over it.