Your heart, My Love Our Burden (Yami no Matsuei, Hisoka/Tsuzuki, PG-13)
Title: Your heart, My Love Our Burden
Author/Artist: Arizonaicerose (Sakurasango)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentionings of past suicide, possibly triggering
Prompt: Yami no Matsuei, any pair: hurt/comfort - here's my heart, what's left of it
Word count: 1417
A/n: I ended up with it being a Hisoka/Tsuzuki pairing because with this prompt, really this couple is the best. I’m sorry prompter if this is not what you wanted. :/ It just kinda came this way.
x-x-x-
“I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done”
~‘Run’ by Snow Patrol
x-x-x-
A hand clutches at where his heart would beat if he were still alive, even though it has not moved for years, decades even, Tsuzuki swears he can still feel the throbbing pain that it gives at the agony he feels. His entire body sways with the throbs of agonizing pain before his knees are unable to hold his weight any longer. He crashes to the ground as blank eyes stare ahead.
‘Once damned always damned.’
Tsuzuki tears at his hair as the palms of his hands dig into ears trying to keep out the agonizing whisper. He knows it already, lives with it every day. The last thing the man needs is for that damned doctor to even speak what he feels on a daily basis. Once you crave death with your own hands, you always will crave it. Death is not a freedom, just another step into wanting the everlasting peace- especially if you are forced to continue existing.
‘You feel it, no? It is a constant urge to just escape, to fall into the darkness. The only escape you can ever hope for is damnation.’
His back hunches over as palms press harder against his sore ears. His scalp screams as handfuls of hair tug, threatening to be pulled from their roots as the man tries to ignore the tantalizing promises. He knows they are false promises, though they still intrigue him to want to take that final step. Eyes clench shut tightly as he tries to protect himself.
‘I can help you reach that darkness, to reach that freedom that you desire so badly. It is easier to reach it now. Before, you had so much against you. But now, now it is within reach, and all of those barriers from before. They no longer matter. You almost succeeded once.’
Tsuzuki wishes that he never walked away from his partner, even if it was to face both of their enemy while protecting the younger one. Though now he could really use a second hand. Another voice that could shut out his dark inner voices that never shut off in his head; the same voices that are now coupled with the poison that Muraki spills into him. Hisoka is the only one that can tame the voices that never cease; his gentle touch can make the tunnel of darkness dissolve. The same tunnel that was quickly closing in around the shaking man.
Frantic eyes flitter around, much like a moth trapped in a glass jar, trying to find any light that had not been swallowed by the darkness. Everywhere he looks, Tsuzuki cannot find anything other than the suffocating darkness that slowly is swallowing him alive. Breaths become ragged as he tries to keep from falling any deeper. At this moment he would be thankful even to see Muraki in his white clothing. Anything. He wants to find anything but black.
A metal clang wakes the man from his horrified thoughts as he stares at a small metal object on the ground. Purple eyes cannot break away from the small pair of scissors that lie on the ground. They are the only other object that Tsuzuki can find in the blackness. And as much as he hates it, they bring back that old thrill that he had hoped to never feel again.
‘You want it right? I can feel it from here, the need to pick them up. To remember just how it was so long ago. Perhaps this time you will get it right. Maybe this time you can find that everlasting peace that you want. Imagine being destroyed once and for all. Never having to live with the pain in your heart and soul, to not have to look at those horrid scars!’
Fingers detangle from mussed strands as arms fall limply into Tsuzuki’s dusty pants. His body becomes heavier than lead as he stares ahead. Freedom is all he can think of now. It is the only thing he prays for; at night when he lies alone in his bed Tsuzuki asks every deity he can think of for the freedom to no longer exist. Existing, even in this form, is too painful for him. His sins are much too great for there to ever be relief. And to hide behind the mask he uses every single day is too tiring for him.
Shakily he reaches forward. So this is Muraki’s grand plan, Tsuzuki realizes as he leans forward, fingertips brushing against the chilled metal. Muraki will not kill him, will not dirty his own hands or his pure white suit. Instead he happily lies out the path for Tsuzuki to take the steps necessary.
He winces as fingers wrap around the sharp metal but instantly the pain brings a relief. A feeling he has been wanting for the longest time. It hurts but it feels amazing. His watch falls to the ground, the glass on the front cracking as it hits a rock. The metal strip lines up perfectly with an old scar, a memory that he cannot forget, even if he wants to.
‘Do it. Find the freedom you crave. Hurry.’
“Don’t!” A voice breaks the whirlwind of negative voices. “Tsuzuki what are you doing? Idiot, I swear I can’t turn my back on you for a second without you getting yourself into trouble.” The voice is so close to his ear, Tsuzuki swears he can feel the warm breath caress his ear and it brings shudders to his thin frame.
A touch to the shoulder shatters the claustrophobic darkness. It is nothing more than a soft touch, barely putting any weight onto the beholder, but it again works its magic. Blinking Tsuzuki slowly turns to glance over his right shoulder, the brightness of colors still blurry; his mind still is fuzzy and the metal still is licking deliciously against his wrist. It is harder every time to pull away from eternal peace.
“Tsuzuki, drop that.” Hisoka whispers, as he falls beside his partner. “You don’t need that anymore. You’re not alone I promise.”
Tsuzuki shakes his head as eyes close tightly. He refuses to let anyone else down this dark path. It is bad enough that he must walk down it every day. It is nothing less than cruel to bring an innocent boy down the same path he uses day after day. To allow him to see just a fraction of what he does; to hear what he hears on a daily basis. It hurts, his thoughts are a poison that only he must swallow.
“No, you’re not alone” Hisoka shakes his head slowly, his words coming out softly but with sincerity. For a second Tsuzuki wonders just how the blond can read what he is thinking before remembering the boy’s powers. “You haven’t been since I became your partner. And you will never be. We’ll face it together. Every demon you face, it always is easier to face when you have a second set of eyes, and a second set of feet.”
“I can’t,” his voice is rough as Tsuzuki tries to get his vocal cords and tongue to work together, “I just want to sleep. It hurts every day. I’m always alone. Always having to face these monsters that don’t sleep.”
“Then don’t face them alone. Let me have half of the burden.” Arms wrap around the solid body before pulling the two flush. Lips ghosting Tsuzuki’s neck as hands slide along the trembling man’s arms. “Let me help you. That’s why I’m here, and I will help you every night.” Lips slide up to rest against the older man’s jawline, “Give me a piece of your broken heart, and I’ll help you mend it.”
Tsuzuki is helpless as he watches Hisoka’s hands encase his and slowly pull them away from each other. As soon as the scissors fall to the ground he feels the wall of tears break as they flow down his cheeks. He still wants to refuse to let the boy any closer to him. To allow this innocent boy to be poisoned by himself; but he knows, as he twists in Hisoka’s arms, that he is unable to say no.
Instead he turns until he is able to rest against his head against Hisoka’s chest and if he listens close enough, closes his eyes and truly listens, he can hear along with Hisoka’s phantom heartbeat, a smaller thump of the piece of heart that the boy will always hold on to.