(no subject)
So i finally get my butt down to a computer to sit down and write about the reflections of the past year and how i forsee this 2010 for changes im ready to embrace. 2009 has been the hardest most eventful year of my life thus far and i will honor it by writing lines so that i always remember how 2009 has bashed me, served me and taught me.
1. Necessary Losses.
- The unexpected death of my father's brother. October 2009.
He was never critically ill not even when he brought himself to the hospital due to immense bloating in the stomach (13 bags of fluid had to be pumped out, to be precise). I remebered visiting him coincidentally on the day he got discharged after 4 days of being warded and i held his hand and walked him home. It was unfamiliar because even though we are family, we werent brought up to show physical affections at least not among my father's generation; to kiss, hug or hold hands, we just simply showed our love through presence. All that happened before we knew he was really out of time. I guess in a way God guided me to show my last affections towards him because i really felt this force to do the right thing by him, to make up for the loss time when we were all involved in our separate lives. Two days after his stay at the hospital, the doctor arranged a personal appointment, for what we thought was just a regular check-up and delievered the news to my Uncle that his body was at its worst condition, inoperable, unsalvageable and he had a maximum of 3 months to live, up to the end of this year. The family didnt understand, he was walking, praying and even worked as per usual and there has never been any detection of illness not before the bloating, no stages of the cancer manifesting but just directly straight to end. How fair was that? I stopped sleeping, i planted visits, i watched him eat at home while all the time surrendering to fate, to God and lost his desire to fight the disease. Then he left, so suddenly and quietly in just a week after the news, a far cry from 3 months given by the doctor. When my father called me at approximately 830pm and told me, 'Deena, Pak long passed away. Please dont tell Mummy yet because she is working and i dont want to distract her, i will tell her tomorrow. You are the first to know from me.'
It was the worst day of my life because prior to this, i received abrupt news from a friend ive been emptying my emotional tank to and was slowly beginning to let into my mess of a life, that he had to leave for an undestined period of time to an unreacheable place and my sister, was scheduled for an appointment to investigate the lump in her breast. I lost it, i couldnt take the weight of the World on my shoulder, i didnt understand how everyone leaving became the story of my life. I couldnt stop crying at the funeral. My parents set me down, watched me as i continiously sobbed and chain smoked because my heart was tossing between unrecognizable quick beats and saw they how badly beaten i was. Disappointed, I despised living breathing in this injustice, i set my thoughts on resigning from this World, i didnt want to fight anymore for a place to survive, i stopped seeing the point to having success, money, romance, desire because we are all going to lose it one day and our place on Earth is on borrowed time. I fell into the darkest time of my life. I never thought it could get any darker since i got my heart broken but it did and the World proved to me there are more things to be so sad about than issues of the broken hearted and this is as real it gets. It was a slap in the face and a spit from destiny. I began writing goodbye letters, i spoke of sorrow and indirect goodbyes to my family. I felt so alone, i refused company and help because they was nothing anybody could do for me but i wasnt scared. I felt ready and content. My mother was my pillar of strength, she told me if i leave this World she would follow suit and the responsible part of me couldnt allow that to happen. I didnt want her to think i became gravely sorrowful because i went through the biggest heartbreak of my life, i needed her to know it was more than that and i was not giving up hope on life because of one person but more of a general resignation from everything bad in the World that didnt want to fight anymore. I made arrangements for departures but the furthest departure i could bare myself to do was to pack and leave the country. I gave myself a break from the events to clear my head right, to redirect my faith back in line, to take a breather.
It was a good time away, i sorted my thoughts and put things back in perspective. I came back fresher and i wanted to get a grip, it felt gratifying to come out of it and i was ready but this time, to stay in the game. I realised, i have amazing people around me who would never hesitate to stop drop to help me and they will never leave me if
This year, all i ask for is to be a stronger person to not waste time beating myself up for things i cannot control and learn to take it easy breathe in a smaller joys of life that i enjoy and to not let anyone or bad happenings come in the way of choosing to be happier to inhale the glass half full because you cant control what life throws at you but you can control how you handle it. I want to be able to bounce quicker and recover. I trust that God throws me darts because i can he knows i can handle it. And this year, i will make it magical and wonderful to my best ability and i will dare myself take risks, opportunities and new exciting adventures!
1. Necessary Losses.
- The unexpected death of my father's brother. October 2009.
He was never critically ill not even when he brought himself to the hospital due to immense bloating in the stomach (13 bags of fluid had to be pumped out, to be precise). I remebered visiting him coincidentally on the day he got discharged after 4 days of being warded and i held his hand and walked him home. It was unfamiliar because even though we are family, we werent brought up to show physical affections at least not among my father's generation; to kiss, hug or hold hands, we just simply showed our love through presence. All that happened before we knew he was really out of time. I guess in a way God guided me to show my last affections towards him because i really felt this force to do the right thing by him, to make up for the loss time when we were all involved in our separate lives. Two days after his stay at the hospital, the doctor arranged a personal appointment, for what we thought was just a regular check-up and delievered the news to my Uncle that his body was at its worst condition, inoperable, unsalvageable and he had a maximum of 3 months to live, up to the end of this year. The family didnt understand, he was walking, praying and even worked as per usual and there has never been any detection of illness not before the bloating, no stages of the cancer manifesting but just directly straight to end. How fair was that? I stopped sleeping, i planted visits, i watched him eat at home while all the time surrendering to fate, to God and lost his desire to fight the disease. Then he left, so suddenly and quietly in just a week after the news, a far cry from 3 months given by the doctor. When my father called me at approximately 830pm and told me, 'Deena, Pak long passed away. Please dont tell Mummy yet because she is working and i dont want to distract her, i will tell her tomorrow. You are the first to know from me.'
It was the worst day of my life because prior to this, i received abrupt news from a friend ive been emptying my emotional tank to and was slowly beginning to let into my mess of a life, that he had to leave for an undestined period of time to an unreacheable place and my sister, was scheduled for an appointment to investigate the lump in her breast. I lost it, i couldnt take the weight of the World on my shoulder, i didnt understand how everyone leaving became the story of my life. I couldnt stop crying at the funeral. My parents set me down, watched me as i continiously sobbed and chain smoked because my heart was tossing between unrecognizable quick beats and saw they how badly beaten i was. Disappointed, I despised living breathing in this injustice, i set my thoughts on resigning from this World, i didnt want to fight anymore for a place to survive, i stopped seeing the point to having success, money, romance, desire because we are all going to lose it one day and our place on Earth is on borrowed time. I fell into the darkest time of my life. I never thought it could get any darker since i got my heart broken but it did and the World proved to me there are more things to be so sad about than issues of the broken hearted and this is as real it gets. It was a slap in the face and a spit from destiny. I began writing goodbye letters, i spoke of sorrow and indirect goodbyes to my family. I felt so alone, i refused company and help because they was nothing anybody could do for me but i wasnt scared. I felt ready and content. My mother was my pillar of strength, she told me if i leave this World she would follow suit and the responsible part of me couldnt allow that to happen. I didnt want her to think i became gravely sorrowful because i went through the biggest heartbreak of my life, i needed her to know it was more than that and i was not giving up hope on life because of one person but more of a general resignation from everything bad in the World that didnt want to fight anymore. I made arrangements for departures but the furthest departure i could bare myself to do was to pack and leave the country. I gave myself a break from the events to clear my head right, to redirect my faith back in line, to take a breather.
It was a good time away, i sorted my thoughts and put things back in perspective. I came back fresher and i wanted to get a grip, it felt gratifying to come out of it and i was ready but this time, to stay in the game. I realised, i have amazing people around me who would never hesitate to stop drop to help me and they will never leave me if
This year, all i ask for is to be a stronger person to not waste time beating myself up for things i cannot control and learn to take it easy breathe in a smaller joys of life that i enjoy and to not let anyone or bad happenings come in the way of choosing to be happier to inhale the glass half full because you cant control what life throws at you but you can control how you handle it. I want to be able to bounce quicker and recover. I trust that God throws me darts because i can he knows i can handle it. And this year, i will make it magical and wonderful to my best ability and i will dare myself take risks, opportunities and new exciting adventures!