(no subject)
Lately I've been having mixed feelings with regards to some of my relationships.
This year was definitely monumental. I've gone through massive internal changes and growth, and have learned to be honest with myself.
In many ways I feel like I have awoken from a long hazy nap. I realize that for far too long I have denied myself and ignored some pretty big glaring signs...and finally I am learning to let go of the past, which has been weighing me down.
Anyway, I have cut out a lot of people from my life but have also maintained some relationships which I am questioning now. It's so tempting to cast everyone away and start brand new with a clean slate and forgo the past, yet also I can't help but feel attached to certain people.
One relationship in particular has me confused. I'd consider him one of my best friends, at least my best male friend, but since I have broken up with the ex and since he's gotten back together with his girlfriend (who is also one of my good friends), we talk less and less, and I probably have seen him three times since I have gotten back.
It makes me sad. Our relationship was so effortless and hanging out with him was always fun. We'd have the most banal conversations and never run out of things to say to each other, and laugh about stupid things that we'd only seem to get or care about. He had a knack for making me laugh till my stomach hurt and make me smile, even when he wasn't physically around. We'd go shopping together. Commiserate over episodes of the Naked Chef, Coronation Street, Martha Stewart and our dislike of certain bands. And we'd constantly e-mail each other when we saw an article or heard something that the other person absolutely had to see for themselves. He was my concert buddy, getting me to see so many shows, and in some ways my partner in crime. When I was in Vietnam, apart from my father, he was (surprisingly!)without a doubt the most supportive person, writing me some of the sweetest e-mails that would make me tear up and feel loved.
I miss his company and our closeness, but I am also fully aware that things can't be like they were, that significant others invariably get in the way, that in some ways I have been replaced. And that due to his proximity with my ex, that it's also hard to maintain a friendship, without it being tainted by his connections or the awkwardness of the situation. For awhile it was ok, I felt assured that we'd be able to maintain our friendship, but now I am not so sure.
I miss him. I really do, and I am starting to question whether I ought to accept this and just let this relationship die, that it's all for the best in the long run, or cling to it somehow, but perhaps setting myself to be hurt or for this relationship to deteriorate to the point that it damages my memories of how things were.
I used to strongly believe that platonic male-female relationships were easy to maintain, and while I know it's entirely possible, I think it's extremely hard to. Especially if the parties involved are/were close.
It pains me, but I know that I ought just to let it go whichever way it may...
It's just hard to accept.
This year was definitely monumental. I've gone through massive internal changes and growth, and have learned to be honest with myself.
In many ways I feel like I have awoken from a long hazy nap. I realize that for far too long I have denied myself and ignored some pretty big glaring signs...and finally I am learning to let go of the past, which has been weighing me down.
Anyway, I have cut out a lot of people from my life but have also maintained some relationships which I am questioning now. It's so tempting to cast everyone away and start brand new with a clean slate and forgo the past, yet also I can't help but feel attached to certain people.
One relationship in particular has me confused. I'd consider him one of my best friends, at least my best male friend, but since I have broken up with the ex and since he's gotten back together with his girlfriend (who is also one of my good friends), we talk less and less, and I probably have seen him three times since I have gotten back.
It makes me sad. Our relationship was so effortless and hanging out with him was always fun. We'd have the most banal conversations and never run out of things to say to each other, and laugh about stupid things that we'd only seem to get or care about. He had a knack for making me laugh till my stomach hurt and make me smile, even when he wasn't physically around. We'd go shopping together. Commiserate over episodes of the Naked Chef, Coronation Street, Martha Stewart and our dislike of certain bands. And we'd constantly e-mail each other when we saw an article or heard something that the other person absolutely had to see for themselves. He was my concert buddy, getting me to see so many shows, and in some ways my partner in crime. When I was in Vietnam, apart from my father, he was (surprisingly!)without a doubt the most supportive person, writing me some of the sweetest e-mails that would make me tear up and feel loved.
I miss his company and our closeness, but I am also fully aware that things can't be like they were, that significant others invariably get in the way, that in some ways I have been replaced. And that due to his proximity with my ex, that it's also hard to maintain a friendship, without it being tainted by his connections or the awkwardness of the situation. For awhile it was ok, I felt assured that we'd be able to maintain our friendship, but now I am not so sure.
I miss him. I really do, and I am starting to question whether I ought to accept this and just let this relationship die, that it's all for the best in the long run, or cling to it somehow, but perhaps setting myself to be hurt or for this relationship to deteriorate to the point that it damages my memories of how things were.
I used to strongly believe that platonic male-female relationships were easy to maintain, and while I know it's entirely possible, I think it's extremely hard to. Especially if the parties involved are/were close.
It pains me, but I know that I ought just to let it go whichever way it may...
It's just hard to accept.