(no subject)
I had a dream last night that I enjoyed at the time, but now it's disturbing me. Part of it had to do with having to swim in a really large fake indoor lake with an underwater wooden wall that fell and nearly crushed/drowned me (while everyone, including me, was wearing iridescent dresses [and also "everyone" included SA Bway 2.0 kids]).
The part that's throwing me, though, is that I was back in school. I think it was supposed to be college, even though the only recognizable people were two boys that I had huge embarrassing crushes on. The first one was super clever (seriously, I think he made me discover my smart boy kink) but not really attractive, but was played in my dream by a combination of Jeremiah from that summer program I went to in Syracuse and...whoever that guy is that played Wesley on Angel, only an appropriately aged version.
In the dream I decided that it was just time for me to go for it, so I sat down backwards in the desk in front of him and just said, "You know what, ____? I think we should date." He looked kind of flustered but happy and mulled it over, but I don't know if he answered me.
Later on, I was sitting in a circle of students and we were being paired off group work. The way it worked was that we went around the circle counterclockwise and that person got to pick who they wanted to work with. So I was chosen to be a team leader and I kind of played coy and looked down at my hands and asked if anyone wanted to work with me. I looked back up and saw the aforementioned boy look like he was about to say something, but then Adam jumped in and said he'd work with me.
I was slightly annoyed because, you know, whatever the girl version of cockblocked is, but I'd also had this SUPER MEGA HUGE crush on Adam IRL and we'd been BFFs for most of middleschool and all of high school, so I'd actually worked with him a lot on projects and I was fine with it. Adam also has (had? I haven't seen him in ages) this weird habit with me where he flirts but in this way that makes me wonder if he's gay or asexual or just idek (and honestly to this day I have no clue if he's ever dated anyone ever).
So we go to this oversized gumball dispenser and out comes a pretty big plastic capsule (like what you'd expect to see in the grocery store machines for a quarter, only bigger) and that's what we have to work with for our project. So I'm holding it and look up and he's right there and he's giving me this look so I kiss him. He grabs my hands and it's a pretty chaste kiss, but when I pull back he makes this little noise in the back of his throat. He leans forward and whispers something in my ear like "I'm not going to let you out of bed for a week," when all I can think about is the other boy, the one I said that I should date.
And I remember weighing it back and forth in my head in the dream - I'd probably hurt the other boy, but I liked him. I didn't want Adam then, not really, not anymore, but he was such a sure bet and I'd loved him so much once, so didn't I owe it to myself to see it through?
But I couldn't help but be disappointed in myself, both in-dream and now, because I settled for someone that would have me, instead of chancing it with who I wanted.
The part that's throwing me, though, is that I was back in school. I think it was supposed to be college, even though the only recognizable people were two boys that I had huge embarrassing crushes on. The first one was super clever (seriously, I think he made me discover my smart boy kink) but not really attractive, but was played in my dream by a combination of Jeremiah from that summer program I went to in Syracuse and...whoever that guy is that played Wesley on Angel, only an appropriately aged version.
In the dream I decided that it was just time for me to go for it, so I sat down backwards in the desk in front of him and just said, "You know what, ____? I think we should date." He looked kind of flustered but happy and mulled it over, but I don't know if he answered me.
Later on, I was sitting in a circle of students and we were being paired off group work. The way it worked was that we went around the circle counterclockwise and that person got to pick who they wanted to work with. So I was chosen to be a team leader and I kind of played coy and looked down at my hands and asked if anyone wanted to work with me. I looked back up and saw the aforementioned boy look like he was about to say something, but then Adam jumped in and said he'd work with me.
I was slightly annoyed because, you know, whatever the girl version of cockblocked is, but I'd also had this SUPER MEGA HUGE crush on Adam IRL and we'd been BFFs for most of middleschool and all of high school, so I'd actually worked with him a lot on projects and I was fine with it. Adam also has (had? I haven't seen him in ages) this weird habit with me where he flirts but in this way that makes me wonder if he's gay or asexual or just idek (and honestly to this day I have no clue if he's ever dated anyone ever).
So we go to this oversized gumball dispenser and out comes a pretty big plastic capsule (like what you'd expect to see in the grocery store machines for a quarter, only bigger) and that's what we have to work with for our project. So I'm holding it and look up and he's right there and he's giving me this look so I kiss him. He grabs my hands and it's a pretty chaste kiss, but when I pull back he makes this little noise in the back of his throat. He leans forward and whispers something in my ear like "I'm not going to let you out of bed for a week," when all I can think about is the other boy, the one I said that I should date.
And I remember weighing it back and forth in my head in the dream - I'd probably hurt the other boy, but I liked him. I didn't want Adam then, not really, not anymore, but he was such a sure bet and I'd loved him so much once, so didn't I owe it to myself to see it through?
But I couldn't help but be disappointed in myself, both in-dream and now, because I settled for someone that would have me, instead of chancing it with who I wanted.