The Five Stages of Illness - 1 and 2/5
Title: The Five Stages of Illness
Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy the Vampire Slayer, things would have been much different.
Pairing: None.
Warnings: None
Summary: Xander hates getting sick. Let him count the ways.
Rating: G or PG
Timeline: Second season, after "Innocence."
Note: Beta-ed by McQuinn, any mistakes are my own.
One - Denial
After the confrontation between Angelus and Buffy, the Scoobies had gathered the tiny pieces of the Judge, safely boxed and on the way to Watchers around the world. This time, Xander was sure they would do a better job hiding the pieces. Buffy was still shaken by her confrontation, but on the bright side, the rocket launcher worked awesomely.
Overall, he considered it a victory, which he relayed to Giles and Buffy on the drive to her house.
Buffy pulled down the mirrored visor to stare at him. "Seriously? I look like a sewer rat, we almost died, and my boyfriend is evil and psychotic. How is this a victory?"
"Yes, but nobody died, rocket launcher, and we got to watch an evil, giant smurf blow up. The Angel thing sucks, though."
Buffy smiled. "The blowing up part was pretty great."
Xander cleared his throat.
Giles glanced in his direction. "Oh, yes. It was spectacular."
Xander cleared his throat a second time. "Sorry, tickle." He followed with a hacking cough.
"Um, are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Xander forcibly laughed before coughing again.
"You were running around in freezing sprinkler water earlier. I think you're getting sick." Buffy awkwardly turned around as much as possible to feel Xander's forehead. "You're kind of warm. Also, Giles: Adult car. Seriously."
Xander shook his head in denial. "I can't get sick. I have school and vampires for you to kill while I watch from a safe distance."
Two - Anger
Xander Harris always held a quiet disdain for tissues. He never understood who thought they were so great. Who would design a product that fell apart when it was used as intended? And then he had to choose between chapped and burn-y or greasy nose skin. No thanks, Senor Kleenex. He needed something stronger than a delicate, flimsy scrap of paper to catch the fury of his manly, Southern California cold.
Beyond their uselessness, he could trace his hatred back to his great-great-aunt Mildred, who had a purse full of pre-used tissues and could always be counted on to spot an invisible speck of dirt on his five-to-thirteen year old face and "clean" it with a bit of spitting and dabbing with tissue she pulled from her loathsome purse. Once satisified, she placed it back in her purse, pinched his cheeks, and called him a messy little earthworm.
She moved to Florida on his thirteenth birthday, and for the rest of his life, he considered it the greatest birthday present ever. However, the damage was done. Whenever he felt the tickle in the back of his throat and his nose got stuffy, he immediately remembered the old lady saliva and tissues that probably cleaned his grandfather's face.
Tissues sucked.
---
Stages three, four and five will be posted on the next free-for-all day after my beta is done with them.
Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy the Vampire Slayer, things would have been much different.
Pairing: None.
Warnings: None
Summary: Xander hates getting sick. Let him count the ways.
Rating: G or PG
Timeline: Second season, after "Innocence."
Note: Beta-ed by McQuinn, any mistakes are my own.
One - Denial
After the confrontation between Angelus and Buffy, the Scoobies had gathered the tiny pieces of the Judge, safely boxed and on the way to Watchers around the world. This time, Xander was sure they would do a better job hiding the pieces. Buffy was still shaken by her confrontation, but on the bright side, the rocket launcher worked awesomely.
Overall, he considered it a victory, which he relayed to Giles and Buffy on the drive to her house.
Buffy pulled down the mirrored visor to stare at him. "Seriously? I look like a sewer rat, we almost died, and my boyfriend is evil and psychotic. How is this a victory?"
"Yes, but nobody died, rocket launcher, and we got to watch an evil, giant smurf blow up. The Angel thing sucks, though."
Buffy smiled. "The blowing up part was pretty great."
Xander cleared his throat.
Giles glanced in his direction. "Oh, yes. It was spectacular."
Xander cleared his throat a second time. "Sorry, tickle." He followed with a hacking cough.
"Um, are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Xander forcibly laughed before coughing again.
"You were running around in freezing sprinkler water earlier. I think you're getting sick." Buffy awkwardly turned around as much as possible to feel Xander's forehead. "You're kind of warm. Also, Giles: Adult car. Seriously."
Xander shook his head in denial. "I can't get sick. I have school and vampires for you to kill while I watch from a safe distance."
Two - Anger
Xander Harris always held a quiet disdain for tissues. He never understood who thought they were so great. Who would design a product that fell apart when it was used as intended? And then he had to choose between chapped and burn-y or greasy nose skin. No thanks, Senor Kleenex. He needed something stronger than a delicate, flimsy scrap of paper to catch the fury of his manly, Southern California cold.
Beyond their uselessness, he could trace his hatred back to his great-great-aunt Mildred, who had a purse full of pre-used tissues and could always be counted on to spot an invisible speck of dirt on his five-to-thirteen year old face and "clean" it with a bit of spitting and dabbing with tissue she pulled from her loathsome purse. Once satisified, she placed it back in her purse, pinched his cheeks, and called him a messy little earthworm.
She moved to Florida on his thirteenth birthday, and for the rest of his life, he considered it the greatest birthday present ever. However, the damage was done. Whenever he felt the tickle in the back of his throat and his nose got stuffy, he immediately remembered the old lady saliva and tissues that probably cleaned his grandfather's face.
Tissues sucked.
---
Stages three, four and five will be posted on the next free-for-all day after my beta is done with them.