也许某些人注定就是要错过
jackson wang/mark tuan, r
8135 words
got7 disbands and mark and jackson doesn't work out. 5 years and one chance encounter later, they try again.
--
GOT7 disbands in 2019.
It doesn't come as a surprise. Jackson supposes that they had all seen it coming, but that does little to make him feel better. There is laughter and tears all round and somehow it's only then that how tired everyone looks becomes apparent. The eyebags that never went away, the overwhelming feeling of fatigue everyone tried so hard to hide. Now it is all over, everything is all over.
The last person Jackson turns to is Mark. He looks lost at Incheon, passport in his hand, waiting for his flight. Bambam had flown back to Thailand two days before them, Yugyeom and Youngjae bid them farewell soon enough, leaving Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung and Jaebum. Somehow Jackson and Mark have flights back on the same night, and the night before had ended with the four of them drinking beer together, toasting to whatever lies ahead. Jinyoung had slung an arm over Jackson and Mark and told them to keep in touch, Mark had laughed weakly while Jackson grunted, avoiding Mark's gaze. Jaebum had made an incoherent noise from his position on the sofa and they had all collapsed into a fit of giggles before they had finally fallen asleep in a pile, drunk.
'Good luck', Jackson says in English, holding a hand out to Mark. He wants to say something along the lines of I know you'll get along fine but it doesn't come out. Mark nods, and instead of taking Jackson's hand he pulls him into a hug.
'Thanks', Mark says. The announcement overhead calls for the passengers on his flight to board. He pulls away and looks at Jackson and he hesitates.
'I'll see you again', Jackson says in Mandarin even though he had meant to say goodbye. The words in English didn't come, and the words in Mandarin taste strange on his tongue.
(But in any case, is there even a proper word for goodbye in Mandarin?)
Mark smiles. 'I'll see you again', he repeats after Jackson. He turns around and heads in the direction of his boarding gate and soon enough, he's gone.
It's a sunny July afternoon and Jackson finds himself walking down the streets of Fantasyland. Of course, he isn't alone. His girlfriend tugs at his arm, asking which ride he wants to go on next and he tells her that he's game for anything, really. If he's lucky he'll make it through today without anyone spotting him, but the odds are low since he's still on home soil. She hums, looking at her map and he leans over, peering at the map before looking up to check the signs.
Right there, standing beneath the signpost with a bunch of kids crowding around him is a very familiar face. He has black hair, he wears glasses and has a pair of Minnie Mouse ears with a ribbon on top of his head. The kids around him chatter excitedly - god are they all clad in the same Toy Story aliens shirt that Jackson is pretty sure is a Uniqlo product - and then they disperse, running in all directions. One of them bumps into Jackson, however, before muttering a quick sorry and running off, and this prompts the man to head towards Jackson, looking alarmed.
'I'm so sorry', the man begins in Mandarin, then he looks up, looks properly at Jackson and he does a double take. 'Jackson?'
5 years after GOT7's disbandment, Jackson sees Mark again for the first time in Hong Kong Disneyland.
Jackson ends up sitting down on a park bench beside Mark. His girlfriend had smiled at Mark after their brief introductions and politely excused herself and ducked into one of the shops, and for that Jackson is grateful. He doesn't think he can survive having her watch his reunion with Mark.
'So you've got a girlfriend now', Mark says, smiling, and something constricts inside Jackson.
'Yeah', Jackson answers, looking down at his hands. 'For a couple of months now.'
Thing is, Jackson expects the conversation to fizzle out quickly just like all those years ago. The Mark he knew wasn't exactly incapable of sustaining a conversation, but sometimes the silence was far too comfortable for him and he was mostly content with letting the other party continue filling it while he nodded and smiled.
But this Mark in front of him is not the same Mark of before. This Mark is better at small talk and they lapse into Mandarin and it switches to English soon enough when Mark teases Jackson about still having to hide from fans, and then the Korean comes out too and Jackson looks at Mark, surprised.
Mark laughs, scratching the back of his head as Jackson tries to prod him into saying more and finally Mark gives in and greets 'Come and get it! GOT7! Hello, we are GOT7!' in Korean. Jackson howls with laughter because trust Mark to cop out like this, and Mark punches him playfully on his arm, saying that it's only coming back because he's here talking to Jackson.
Jackson's voice catches in his throat when he hears that but he plays it down by clearing his throat instead. And for a moment there's a glow in Mark's eyes like he had noticed when Jackson had slipped, but it disappears soon enough. And Jackson cannot help but think that this is just like all those years ago, at some random fansign event and fans would give Mark gift after gift and Mark would end up with either a flower crown or some huge ribbon or cat ears on his head and Mark laughs, touching his Minnie Mouse ears self-consciously as he remarks that yeah, it's almost as if nothing has changed.
(But everything has changed, and Jackson is all too aware of it as Mark's glasses slip down his nose when he leans forward)
Jackson has absolutely no idea what he's doing. He nods as Mark tells him about his life after GOT7 (and Jackson wants to ask him why the hell did he drop off the goddamn earth like that afterwards when the others had surfaced, but he holds his tongue because he knows it will sound far too accusatory or bitter and that's the last thing he wants right now) and that he had gone to community college at first in an attempt to get himself to college afterwards but in the end he wound up in the property business. Jackson catches on to that quickly to tease Mark about having to talk for hours on end for it and Mark laughs, saying that he works the end with more paperwork than talking. It's comforting in a way, Jackson supposes, to know that all these years have gone by but Mark is still the same. And Mark says he's working it out, he's still not too sure but he's getting a clearer idea of where he wants to go and what he wants to do and what he wants.
And Jackson looks at him, mouth dry.
Jackson remembers how Mark couldn't verbalise how he felt in the past and god, Jackson regrets all the fucking hurtful things he did, on camera and off camera and acting up in hopes of getting a reaction. But what the fuck had he been hoping for when he couldn't even open his goddamn mouth to address the issue directly? Before he had been comfortable with what he had with Mark, and for all his claims that winding up with Mark in their room was a result of shit happening, ultimately he had been grateful for the arrangement. Mark had been the closest thing to home, and Jackson remembers how whenever he had tried to teach him a little Cantonese he would struggle to string the words together and Jackson never knew whether to laugh or to cry. With Mark he had all the words he needed to say what he wanted to say, and by then it hadn't just been skinship played up for the fans, it had been more - a reassuring touch, a soft reminder that home can also be a feeling and not just a physical place. Somehow along the way Jackson had fallen, and so had Mark, and the first time Mark had kissed him Jackson felt as if all the air had been knocked out of his lungs.
But after moving out from their dorm room and seeing the world, Jackson had started to realise that what they had wasn't enough. It had been a realisation that punched Jackson in the gut with its intensity, how much he needed to know that their relationship wasn't just about him needing Mark, and that Mark needed him too. Maybe it had been because of the stupid questions Eric and Kevin kept asking on After School Club that had planted it in his head, but along with Mark's reply of how Jackson always seemed to have a lot of questions, from then on Jackson had wondered, what if it wasn't what he had always thought it was? What if it had always been Mark being so fucking nice to him when he had been nothing but annoying? What if their relationship was built on the easy feeling of familiarity and nothing more than that?
So he kept up the Mark is a wall I can't get anything out of him line, he had given Mark the cold shoulder to see how he would react but with Mark... Mark would choke up whenever Jackson had his outbursts and at the end of the day Jackson would leave their room shaking. God they were twenty and so fucking stupid. Jackson had needed and wanted far too much from Mark, and looking back now Jackson realises that he probably wasn't what Mark needed back then either. And he had given in in the end, had given up trying to work things out. The skinship was done for the fans when he could bring himself to because he had been far too obvious to be able to pretend, nothing more.
He had let it slip, let it go. He had pushed Mark away and the dynamics in the group changed, bless Jaebum and Bambam for trying to work something out but there had been some things that they could not have possibly hoped to fix.
It had only been afterwards, after that night in Incheon airport when his flight had been delayed and Mark had gone off first when he had realised how fucking stupid and childish he had been. Mark had tried, he had tried so fucking hard to reach out to him afterwards but all he had done was push him away. So many years of friendship, and in the last few years of GOT7, Jackson had fucked it all up.
And now Mark is here in front of him, holding one of those slushies that looks fucking cold in his hand and the condensation from the plastic cup is dripping on to Mark's jeans and Jackson gestures towards the wet stain on Mark's thigh that is slowly forming and Mark yelps, rubbing at it with a serviette. Jackson has to resist doing it for him because god, they're not twenty in GOT7 any more, they're fucking thirty now, property agent Mark and rising Hong Kong star Jackson with a solid career in entertainment and two blockbusters to his name and one more going up for the Cannes Film Festival.
But here Jackson is, looking at Mark and well, by now Mark looks as average as average can get by idol standards but his smile shines brighter than the sun (as it always had), and Jackson cannot bring himself to look into Mark's eyes because he still remembers that after the adoration, after the affection, it had dissolved into wounded looks, of pain and hurt that he had tried so hard to play it down later on.
Afterwards, Mark leans over and pats Jackson on his arm, tells him that it's great about what he has achieved and Jackson laughs and shoots his mouth off about what he's doing the way he used to (and it all comes back in a painful rush, how Mark used to look at him with that light in his eyes, content to listen to him talk no matter what language he was using and it's been so long god it shouldn't hurt like this again) and Mark nods and listens. He adds something self-deprecating about how he still has to wear his snapbacks all the time, he's wearing one now anyway and it's all because otherwise his face looks too big. And then he goes on and jokes about that flick in which he had acted in as some baseball star and how the caps had been written in into his contract and Mark laughs like he always had when he had been thoroughly amused and Jackson realises that god, he has missed this so much. Mark doesn't reach for his hair like he would in the past when Jackson takes his cap off to push it down into his eyes, but then again Jackson wouldn't have expected him to do it too. But still. It's like the last few years had never happened. It's like everything between them is alright again. It's like Jackson had never shoved the earth off its axis and it's still spinning as it used to back then.
Jackson barely notices when a girl comes up to the both of them, bumping into Mark's leg. The girl has the same shirt as Mark, and she calls Mark uncle Mark very loudly and demands for her drink, tugging at Mark's shirt and Mark laughs, handing it to her. The girl turns to Jackson, eyes narrowing, and Jackson thinks that she looks a lot like Mark and then she turns back to Mark, demanding to know who Jackson is. And Jackson feels that awful feeling spread in his gut and he doesn't even know what that is, god why the hell is Mark's answer to this question by a child even this important to him anyway? It isn't as if they're together again, this is just him meeting an old friend, nothing more-
'He was my bandmate from years ago. Come on, call Uncle Jackson', Mark says, and the girl pouts, but she obliges anyway.
'Hey', Jackson says, and he tries for a wave but the girl doesn't look too satisfied. And it's there, the horrible feeling in his gut that is threatening to overwhelm him and he doesn't know what it is.
'Uncle Mark', the girl whines, and then she's demanding that Mark carry her and come back with the rest of them for The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Mark smiles, ruffles her hair and gets up quickly. But before that he takes out another serviette, and Jackson wonders how and why he's even carrying that around as he scribbles something on it.
'Hey Jackson?' Mark turns and Jackson gets up quickly from the bench. Mark looks so much different now, with a kid in his arms clinging to him. Mark holds out the serviette, and Jackson realises that there's a number scrawled on it. Jackson takes the serviette, silent and he almost jumps when Mark reaches for him and squeezes his hand lightly. 'Don't be a stranger.'
'I should be the one saying that', Jackson snorts, and Mark grins, eyes crinkling. Then Mark's niece is demanding that Mark hurry up and Mark nods and off he goes, running off as his niece shrieks with delight.
Jackson watches Mark disappear into the crowd. That feeling is still there and it makes him want to throw up. After all these years of trying to let go, Mark Tuan shows up again and reminds him that no, some things are meant to stay in your head forever.
Fast forward a few weeks and Jackson heads to Los Angeles for filming. It's a short segment for some TVB travel programme, and Jackson had managed to extend his stay for a few days. He had told his manager that he needed a break, and his girlfriend had looked at him, concerned, and he had shrugged it off, saying that he needed some time on his own.
Thing is, Jackson's hoping for something else. He has Mark's number saved in his phone, all he has to do is to make that call, or just send a text, whichever and just...
hey i heard you'll be in LA. wanna meet up?
Jackson nearly drops his phone. He's waiting to board his flight in Hong Kong International Airport, and there are people around him giving him curious looks. He fumbles with his phone and there are a million questions running through his mind where did you get my number from how did you know I would be in Los Angeles why are you talking to me again god I haven't even apologised for the shit I pulled on you why would you want to see me again what am I going to do but he ends up replying that yes, he'd love to meet up and asks Mark when he'd be free to hang out.
Jackson doesn't expect Mark to invite him to his house. Or at least, his parents' house, and it looks just as it did when they had visited years ago. They had always visited whenever GOT7 made a stop in Los Angeles.
Mark's parents greet Jackson warmly, telling him welcome home. Something constricts again inside Jackson, and he tries to hide it as he leans in to hug them. He hands over a paper bag full of souvenirs from Hong Kong and they tell him that he shouldn't have and Mark smiles at him.
They sit at the dining table and it's just the four of them, Joey has moved out now and Mark has as well, except that he had thought that it'd be nice for Jackson to come back for dinner like this again. And Jackson smiles, says that yeah it's nice, he's really appreciative of it and Mark smiles again and it leaves an awful feeling in Jackson's gut because why, why the fuck is he acting like all these years had never happened and that everything is alright between them again?
For Jackson after they had parted he had ended up on some nights dead drunk, wondering if he could have changed anything then. He had thought of all those nights in their dormitory, with Mark's breathless laughter, Mark lying beneath him with that light in his eyes, Mark's lips beneath his soft and pliant. He remembers Mark crying on stage in Nagoya, he remembers Mark crying to him and him holding him and Mark being there, his body a comfortable weight against his own whenever he felt down and he had thrown it all away and acted like trash towards him afterwards. And then as the years had gone by it had been what if what if what if what if what if that he had tried to forget all about by getting into relationships with a bunch of different people. But Jackson doesn't ask, and if Mark notices anything he doesn't say.
Mark's parents congratulate Jackson on how well he's doing now and Papa Tuan tells Jackson that Mark still updates them about the rest of GOT7 from time to time and that Jaebum came to visit earlier in the year. And Mark smiles, that small smile of his as he looks up at Jackson before looking back at his food again and Jackson starts to apologise about how he's been very busy and Mama Tuan smiles and tells him that it's all okay.
After dessert, Papa Tuan asks if Mark and Jackson are going to stay the night and Mark shakes his head, saying that Jackson already has a hotel room and he'll be driving him back. Jackson nods, and they bid each other farewell soon enough.
Truth is, Jackson doesn't have a hotel room at all. He tells Mark that as they get into Mark's car and Mark is surprised, but then he remarks that he should have known when Jackson had piled his suitcase into his car. Jackson suggests that they go drinking together, and he asks if Mark is living on his own now, and the hesitation is apparent in Mark's eyes before he nods.
So they end up in Mark's flat, it's feels warm but sparse at the same time and they end up together sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, drinking cheap beer together. They talk, and Jackson's all too aware that they're still dancing around each other, or rather he is the one dancing around Mark. That is, until they are through their first six pack of beer and on to the second one when Jackson misses the can and ends up crashing into Mark, pushing him down on to the plush rug.
Jackson's hands fist themselves in the fabric, fuck he's on top of Mark like this, staring down at him and Mark looks up at him, even with the glasses he still looks like he did all those years ago wide eyed cheeks flushed lips parted. 'Mark', he says, voice a breathy exhale and is that panic? Reluctance? In Mark's eyes?
'Jackson, what are you...'
'Mark', Jackson repeats. God it's the alcohol isn't it? Shooting through his veins, making him act like this. He leans in and Mark tugs at the sleeve of his button up shirt.
'Jackson don't, you're with someone aren't you?'
Jackson looks at Mark, biting the inside of his cheek. 'I...'
And then it all tumbles out for Jackson, how he's so fucking sorry for all the shit he had pulled on Mark, how he had been a colossal idiot and how he had treated Mark like trash and how he had been trash and how he had spent the last five years thinking about it from time to time and he doesn't even know why Mark is treating him so nicely like this, how can he even want to talk to him after all this shit and he goes on and on and on with Mandarin to fill the gaps that his English cannot express and throughout it all Mark just looks at him with a stricken sort of expression on his face.
'I'm sorry', Jackson says finally. He repeats it again in Mandarin, and he'll get up now, god Mark probably wants to forget about all this shit that's why he's acting like everything is normal again but here he is being fucking stupid, bringing up painful shit no one wants to remember. 'I'm going back to Hong Kong tomorrow, I won't bother you again.'
But Mark's fingers are still pulling at his sleeve and he is all quiet, his glasses have slipped far too low now and then he looks up at Jackson and cups his cheek. His fingertips are light on Jackson's skin. Mark swallows, and Jackson can see the bob of his adam's apple when he does, and Jackson hardly dares to breathe. Mark licks his lips. 'Will you feel better if we stay like this tonight?' he asks, voice soft.
Jackson swallows hard and fuck, he doesn't trust himself with anything right now. He wants to ask what about you talk to me how do you feel talk to me goddamn it just tell me but the words do not come and instead he nods, struggles to try to speak and only manages a 'yes', voice hoarse.
Mark looks at him, eyes assessing. His gaze softens and his hand slips lower to cup Jackson's neck, pulling him down. 'Okay', he says, and his lips brush against Jackson's.
And all Jackson can do is to give in.
The next day, Jackson wakes up only when Mark wakes him. Jackson is in some weird position on the sofa, and Mark is beside him, shaking him.
'Jackson. Jackson', Mark repeats in that quick way he always says his name so it's almost Jason instead. 'Wake up, don't you have a flight to catch?'
And for a moment Jackson thinks he's in JYP again they're promoting and they're late and he springs up so quickly he almost knocks into Mark. Then everything comes into focus, slowly, and his head hurts and it's from the night before, from drinking with Mark. He's in a flat in Los Angeles and Mark's looking at him worriedly and there is no concert to rush and prepare for, just a flight back home.
'What time is it?' Jackson asks, groaning.
'Twelve in the afternoon. Are you late?'
'Fuck', Jackson swears, and he nearly trips over his feet getting up.
Mark drives Jackson to Los Angeles International Airport. Jackson is half terrified of Mark's driving and half thankful that he has Mark with him, and they make it to the airport in time.
Mark sees Jackson off and Jackson pulls him into a hug like he doesn't want to let go. They haven't resolved much from the night before, after Mark had kissed Jackson that had been most of the night, with Jackson falling asleep soon enough.
'Jackson. Jackson. They're calling for you to board already', Mark says, feeling awkward about still being in Jackson's embrace.
Jackson is, however, babbling on and on about how he doesn't want this to end how he doesn't want this spell to be broken wants to know where they stand now and why is Mark letting him do this when Mark pushes him away lightly.
'Hey', Mark says, hands on Jackson's shoulders. 'We're still friends. Okay?'
Jackson looks at him, uncertain. 'But I... Last night...'
Mark looks at him, silent. His hands do not leave Jackson's shoulders.
Jackson swallows hard, watching Mark closely. 'So you're testing my acting skills now huh, Mark Tuan, is that what this is', he says hotly. There's nothing else he can come up with now, and the silence is driving him insane because god, he needs to hear something, anything from Mark.
And as they stare at each other in silence the announcement for Jackson Wang to board the goddamn flight goes on and on and on and Jackson thinks god this is it again isn't it? Mark not saying anything and Jackson can't read Mark at all, Mark may have kissed him the night before but it doesn't mean anything without Mark saying so. Fuck, it might have been him pitying him for all he knows and Jackson's about to shoot his mouth off again and then Mark looks down, biting his lower lip as Jackson looks on, not daring to breathe as he waits for Mark's answer.
'I'll be in Hong Kong next month', Mark says finally, voice uneasy. He shoves his hands into his jeans now as he talks. 'We can talk again then.'
'Next month', Jackson echoes.
Mark smiles thinly. 'We should take some time off to think.'
'Do you regret last night. Because if you do we can both forget about it and you don't have to see me ever again-'
'No', Mark cuts in. 'But I need to think. You need to think too. Your girlfriend...' Mark trails off.
'Right', Jackson says, and Mark's shoulders look like they sag a little in relief.
'You should go now', Mark says. The announcement for Jackson Wang goes on.
'Tell me when you're going to Hong Kong', Jackson says in a rush, squeezing Mark's shoulder.
Mark nods. 'Have a safe flight', he says, and Jackson nods.
Jackson turns to leave, heads for the departure gate. But he stops halfway, and turns around to see Mark's retreating figure. And all he can think of is Mark leaving on that night in Incheon, leaving him alone in the distance.
Mark drives back on his own, and for some reason he puts GOT7's old music on as he drives. He still sings his parts when they come on, heck, he sings the whole thing when it comes on even though he has forgotten what some of the words mean. And he thinks back to the night before, thinks of how he had kissed Jackson back then and he wonders, god, why the fuck did he do that? What is he trying to do, what is he trying to prove? Their relationship had ended before GOT7 had come to an end. Mark had already accepted it back then, tried so hard to bring it a level where he could have been comfortable to still interact with Jackson without fucking up the group dynamic and then after GOT7 had disbanded, all he had tried to do was to forget about whatever that had gone on then.
But forgetting is a difficult task, and every now and then Jackson still slips back into his thoughts, and it hurts because he'd never really been able to replicate whatever they had with anyone else. That sort of casual intimacy, touching instinctively and feeling the comfortable weight of having someone rest against you, knowing they've got your back.
And now it all comes back, just because of one stupid meeting with Jackson Wang in Hong Kong Disneyland and what are the odds, really and he thinks of the past, those nights in their room when they had both lain awake, silent. The atmosphere had been suffocating, filled with all those things left unsaid, but Mark had no idea how to put what he had been feeling into words. In the beginning it had been okay just to express himself through touch, to tell Jackson that he needed him when he pressed close and Jackson had understood. But as the months went by and when Jackson came back from guesting on all his variety shows it somehow became apparent that Mark was missing something, that Jackson wanted something from him but he had no idea what it was because he had no idea how to reach out and ask. Leaning close and trying to get his attention hadn't been enough, and Mark back then had no way of knowing that, thinking that if he had tried a little harder it would have been alright.
And he had been quiet when he should've said something, cowardly when he should've been brave and he had let it all escalate to the point where Jackson had given up while he had been trying too hard. It had been so good at first, how sometimes all Mark needed to do was to communicate with touch and the comfortable feeling of being together had been filled with warmth but in the end they had chosen to let their problems blow up in their faces instead of trying to solve it. Wrong timing, wrong frequency, and too many people watching for Mark to have ever felt that he could work it out with Jackson.
And here they are, and it has all come to this. Five years has gone by and now the two of them live hours apart in two different ends of the globe. If Mark is completely honest with himself then yes, the main reason why he's still single is because he hadn't quite managed to get over his relationship with Jackson, and how each time he had tried he had either built his walls up too high or pulled them far too low and had gotten hurt instead. Every now and then he catches himself thinking why can't he have something like that back again when he's in a new relationship, and it always ends with a breakup because the last thing Mark wants to do is to turn someone else into a replacement. But then again, how can anything compare to what he had with Jackson? Jackson had been special, an anchor to home when Mark had been in a foreign land, someone familiar to come back to in English and Mandarin, someone who was always willing to draw him out of his shell when he couldn't get up on his own. He's back in America now, and it's all different.
'Stop stop it' comes on and Mark laughs to himself. How apt, isn't it? He should just stop it. He wonders what he's doing because for fuck's sake, Jackson has a girlfriend now even if he's telling Mark all these things and how should Mark know if this isn't some fucked up thing that's delayed guilt or some shit that Jackson has that results in him trying to make this up to him after their chance encounter? As much as Mark doesn't want to admit it yes, he has been keeping tabs on Jackson through social media, checking his twitter and instagram and facebook accounts frequently even though really, he shouldn't. Of course, he justifies it by making sure that he checks up on everyone else as well, and there's Jinyoung who skypes him every now and then and fills him in on what he's missing. And Mark laughs and hums whenever Jinyoung talks about Jackson, and sometimes Jinyoung looks like he wants to say something more, but when Mark asks about it he shakes his head, and says it's nothing.
Mark gets back to a mess in his flat. He has to clear it up, of course, and then he realises that there's a snapback on the floor that looks conspicuously out of place.
He picks it up. After all these years, Jackson still loves his snapbacks.
Mark sighs, and leaves it on his sofa.
On the plane back Jackson thinks of Mark thinks of how Mark had looked in the morning how Mark had looked at the airport how Mark had looked the night before and he feels like he's about to throw up.
(He does, later on after he has landed in Hong Kong. He's puking his guts out in an airport toilet cubicle and he's on the floor and it's fucking gross but it's still definitely better than the horrible feeling he has in his heart.)
Mark goes to Hong Kong as planned. Or rather, not as planned, because he had only said those words at the airport to placate Jackson and now he's stuck in this, on a non-stop flight to Hong Kong to see the one person he had tried so hard to forget all these years.
God, what the fuck is all this. He's not some toyboy of Jackson Wang, for fuck's sake. He massages his temples and he tries to forget about it but when he turns on the inflight entertainment there it is, one of Jackson's flicks that was a smash hit in the cinemas both at home and abroad. There's no running away. But what did Mark expect? After all, he's flying Cathay Pacific.
Needless to say, Mark ends up with Jackson in Hong Kong.
Mark doesn't mean for it to happen. He doesn't mean to be with Jackson like this right off the bat, with Jackson kissing him one hand cradling his head pulling him down on to the bed. He doesn't mean to go this far, with Jackson's fingers trembling as he unbuttons Mark's shirt, as he pulls it off him and presses kisses from his jaw to his neck down to his collarbones.
Jackson's touch is reverent, he touches Mark like he's so fucking afraid that he would break him and god, it's just like all those years ago in their dorm room in JYP, when Jackson would do this to him and they would be so fucking afraid because anyone could walk into the room at any point because the locks didn't work. But at the same time this is different, Jackson moves slowly, so fucking slowly like he's learning and mapping every single part of Mark all over again and part of Mark is fucking exhausted after his flight to Hong Kong but another part of him says yes, god yes, carry on with what you're doing.
And when Jackson reaches for Mark's glasses Mark doesn't know why but he lets him take them off, lets Jackson kiss his eyelids as his hands slide lower down his body.
'Mark', Jackson says, voice rough and Mark looks at him in the dim light. Jackson looks worried, like he's afraid that he'd fuck this one up and Mark smiles, cupping his cheeks with his hands and pulling him closer for a kiss.
'It's okay', Mark murmurs against Jackson's lips.
It's okay.
In the morning, of course, Mark regrets. Okay it's not morning perhaps, all Mark knows is that it is light outside and he has lost all track of time ever since flying here from Los Angeles. He flings an arm out, searching for his glasses and locates it on bedside drawer.
He squints, looking at the bedside clock and it's three in the afternoon. He's having awful jetlag and he's naked in Jackson's ridiculously huge bed in his ridiculously huge penthouse in Victoria Peak and he has absolutely no idea what the fuck he is doing.
Jackson comes back with food minutes after Mark wakes up.
'Hey', Jackson says, flopping down on to the bed. 'You're up. Sorry I didn't wake you, you looked really tired so... Anyway I brought food', he says, thrusting the tray he's holding out at Mark. There are egg tarts amongst other things, and Mark thinks of that showcase they had in Hong Kong one year after debut, when Jackson had told the screaming crowd how they had shared a bed in Jackson's house. More than ten years later and here he is, in the same position, except he isn't a JYP trainee any more.
'Right', Mark says.
'You must be thirsty. Here, water.' Jackson pushes a bottle of water into Mark's hands and Mark catches his wrist.
'Jackson', Mark says, and when Jackson is about to open his mouth to say something again Mark tightens his grip on Jackson's wrist. 'Jackson. Listen. About last night.'
'Last night oh god it's not guilt or anything I swear to god it isn't okay I know I fucked up and I know that it's been years and I didn't say anything and I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me any more because I was such an asshole and I'm sorry but fuck this isn't that Mark I miss you and I really want to make this work again if you'd let me I swear I won't fuck it up again-'
'Jackson', Mark says, reaching for Jackson's shoulder now. He shakes him lightly, and Jackson shuts up, looking chastened. He looks like he's a thirty something like this, in the morning light. So much older now. But he still talks the same way he did when he was twenty, and Mark smiles. 'I know.'
'But you don't have to do this if you don't feel anything for me like you didn't have to come and see me or anything-' Jackson begins again when Mark pulls him into a hug. Jackson is vaguely aware that the tray is tipping sideways, but oh.
'We could try again', Mark says in a rush. 'It's okay.'
Mark finds out that Jackson broke up with his girlfriend after he came back from Los Angeles. Jackson ducks his head, muttering something about how he had realised that he shouldn't be fucking up like this any more. Mark nods because really, he has no idea what to say to that. And sometimes he leaves Jackson's penthouse, takes a taxi on his own to the nearest MTR station and winds up wandering around in Tsim Sha Tsui because really, he's not in Hong Kong for anything. He's only here because of Jackson. He's only here because by now all he needs is closure, and to go five years without it is way too long. He's only here because he wants to know if there's a shot at making up for what they've lost, if there's a way he can change the ending for all this.
But at the same time, he's afraid that the answer might not be the one he's looking for.
They try to talk it out. Communication had fucked them over the first time they had been together, and they had had to hide their relationship from the world, and from those they had lived with as well. Now it's different, so much different, but at the same time what is this? Mark cannot be in Hong Kong indefinitely, and it isn't as if Jackson will up and leave for America any time soon. Would a long distance relationship work? Mark has no idea, and neither does Jackson.
Then again, it isn't as if they can be together now either. At least, not outside, not when they're both men, and Jackson's one of the hottest stars in Hong Kong and Mark is nothing more than a has-been idol. And the days go by, they go on secret dates holding hands beneath the tablecloth in swanky restaurants and Mark is all too aware of how Jackson is paying for everything. Mark pulls out his wallet sometimes, it isn't as if he cannot afford anything but Jackson keeps refusing, telling him that it's okay, he wants to do this, he needs to do this. And Mark doesn't argue because okay, he doesn't want to be the one who fucks this up because of this now. Maybe later when Jackson heads over to Los Angeles… Mark sits in a cafe in Hong Kong waiting for Jackson to come back with coffee and pastries and he wonders, watching the rain fall outside. Will they even make it back to Los Angeles together? When Jackson returns with a smile, thrusting the food out at Mark, Mark doesn't think this should be a question he should ask.
Some nights they cook together in Jackson's kitchen and it's alarming how easily they fall into this routine together, and soon enough Mark is lounging around in Jackson's penthouse in just a tank top and boxers and Jackson is, frankly, absolutely incapable of keeping his hands off Mark. They go from having supper at weird hours in the night at food places with ridiculously cheap prices to Jackson fucking Mark into the mattress on some nights and Mark blowing Jackson when they shower together and of course, Mark almost comes too quickly when one night Jackson straddles him with his calves bracketing his thighs and rides his cock like his life depends on it. Nights spent together watching Jackson's hilarious TVB dramas with Jackson having to explain all the Cantonese jokes to Mark segue into mornings with Mark waking up in Jackson's arms. But some mornings Mark wakes up alone, and it's one of those mornings when it hits Mark that he has absolutely no idea what he's doing here.
Even after so long, even now, even with their feelings for one another, there's something in this that cannot be fixed like this. They've missed too many chances. They're no longer in their twenties, god they're in their thirties now and there are so many things they can't give up. Mark, well, he doesn't have much but Jackson has so much ahead of him and right now Mark doesn't think he should be in this position to take that away from him. Not like this.
It ends with Jackson laughing and crying against Mark saying that god it he fucks up every single goddamn time and Mark chokes up, he wants to say something but like this it's as if he's twenty one in his dorm room and they're back in JYP again and he feels so small and incapable of doing anything. It takes a while before he's able to speak, before he's able to say that he's unable to give up what he has in Los Angeles, it took him five goddamn years to get to where he is now, to be able to stand on his own after GOT7 with some semblance of an idea of what to do and well, he can't just leave like this. And Jackson has his whole career up there, god he can't be this selfish to Jackson.
Jackson laughs, voice harsh and tells Mark that fuck, it's not like this it's not but they both know that they can't be together in public or anything not now, not for a few years at least. And Mark's tired of having to hide, it had taken a huge toll on him back when they were in GOT7 and he doesn't think he'll be able to take it again. It's a whirlwind four weeks and it's now or never.
Mark takes a deep breath, and tells Jackson that he has to go back to Los Angeles.
(The truth is, Mark had never even booked a return flight in the first place. But this is where it all has to end. They've missed too many chances. There is no opportunity left for them to start again. It's time for the curtain to fall; time for this to end.)
Mark finds Jackson's snapback in his flat one morning after having to clean out the place because of the mess his friends had made the night before during their monthly drinking session at his place. He doesn't know why he didn't bring it back to Jackson when he had gone to Hong Kong. He should throw it out now. There's no point in keeping it.
Instead he curls up on the sofa hugging the snapback close, throwing his glasses aside as he sobs.
Jackson's cooking in his kitchen, making omelette and he instinctively turns to ask Mark to pass the salt. He sticks his hand out but the salt never comes, and then he looks up and he remembers that he's alone now, god Mark isn't here anymore and their time is over and this is it, this is the end.
The tears fall into the frying pan, and Jackson turns off the induction cooker because he cannot bring himself to finish his cooking any more. He curls up on the floor, against the kitchen cabinet, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand.
What was it then, that month that Mark had spent in Hong Kong with Jackson? Was it just them trying to make up for whatever it was that they had once upon a time? Was it them trying to tell themselves that no matter what, at whichever point of time they were together they wouldn't work out?
The next few years go by in a blur. It comes as a surprise for everyone that Jackson gets married first, even though Yugyeom had gotten engaged way before Jackson had. Bambam, Jaebum and Jinyoung show up with their girlfriends, Yugyeom with his fiancée of course, whereas Mark and Youngjae are the only ones who show up alone. Youngjae tells Mark that he hasn't found The One yet, but he doesn't intend to find The One anyway, and Mark smiles, saying he's still searching when Youngjae asks.
There's a toast to the bride and groom, and later on the married couple go round to talk to the guests, to take photos and it is then when Mark comes face to face with Jackson again, his first time seeing him after a few years.
'You came', Jackson says, grinning widely.
'I said I would', Mark says, switching to Mandarin. He doesn't trust himself in English now with the rest of his former bandmates here with him.
'I'm grateful', Jackson replies. There's a pause now, like he's not sure what to say.
'I wish you happiness', Mark says. He means it. He really does.
'Thank you', Jackson answers. He pulls Mark into a hug, and Mark makes sure that he pulls away as quickly as he can.
Mark's flight back to Los Angeles is in the wee hours of the morning, directly after Jackson's wedding. He's in the taxi heading towards Hong Kong International Airport when he gets a call on his phone.
It's his boyfriend. Mark picks up the phone, voice tentative. 'Hello?'
'Mark?'
'Yeah?'
'How's the wedding? Are you still there?'
'It was alright. I'm heading to the airport now.'
'Call me when you reach the airport yeah? I'll be coming to pick you up.'
'Okay.'
'Mark?'
'Hmm?'
'Are you alright?'
It hits Mark now, in a taxi to the goddamn airport and it's so stupid, it's all so fucking stupid. 'Yeah', Mark answers, fighting to keep his voice normal as the tears fall.
He's crying but he says 'I'm alright.'
Everyone has a person they love the most in their heart. Perhaps, they might not be the one by your side. For some people, you can only keep them inside your heart.
When you love someone, you don't necessarily have to be together.
--
notes!
-first ever got7 fic!
-inspired by mark and jackson's cover of jay chou's 安静, as well as jj lin's 可惜没如果.
-i'll see you again: in mandarin you say 再见 when it's time to say goodbye but it doesn't mean goodbye, it means see you again so u___u
-title from here and roughly translated, it means maybe you're destined to miss some people.
-last few lines from fuying&sam's 分开以后.
-tysm to m, r and ransom_ransom for your help!
-also, happy 七夕 although this fic is anything but happy...
8135 words
got7 disbands and mark and jackson doesn't work out. 5 years and one chance encounter later, they try again.
--
GOT7 disbands in 2019.
It doesn't come as a surprise. Jackson supposes that they had all seen it coming, but that does little to make him feel better. There is laughter and tears all round and somehow it's only then that how tired everyone looks becomes apparent. The eyebags that never went away, the overwhelming feeling of fatigue everyone tried so hard to hide. Now it is all over, everything is all over.
The last person Jackson turns to is Mark. He looks lost at Incheon, passport in his hand, waiting for his flight. Bambam had flown back to Thailand two days before them, Yugyeom and Youngjae bid them farewell soon enough, leaving Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung and Jaebum. Somehow Jackson and Mark have flights back on the same night, and the night before had ended with the four of them drinking beer together, toasting to whatever lies ahead. Jinyoung had slung an arm over Jackson and Mark and told them to keep in touch, Mark had laughed weakly while Jackson grunted, avoiding Mark's gaze. Jaebum had made an incoherent noise from his position on the sofa and they had all collapsed into a fit of giggles before they had finally fallen asleep in a pile, drunk.
'Good luck', Jackson says in English, holding a hand out to Mark. He wants to say something along the lines of I know you'll get along fine but it doesn't come out. Mark nods, and instead of taking Jackson's hand he pulls him into a hug.
'Thanks', Mark says. The announcement overhead calls for the passengers on his flight to board. He pulls away and looks at Jackson and he hesitates.
'I'll see you again', Jackson says in Mandarin even though he had meant to say goodbye. The words in English didn't come, and the words in Mandarin taste strange on his tongue.
(But in any case, is there even a proper word for goodbye in Mandarin?)
Mark smiles. 'I'll see you again', he repeats after Jackson. He turns around and heads in the direction of his boarding gate and soon enough, he's gone.
It's a sunny July afternoon and Jackson finds himself walking down the streets of Fantasyland. Of course, he isn't alone. His girlfriend tugs at his arm, asking which ride he wants to go on next and he tells her that he's game for anything, really. If he's lucky he'll make it through today without anyone spotting him, but the odds are low since he's still on home soil. She hums, looking at her map and he leans over, peering at the map before looking up to check the signs.
Right there, standing beneath the signpost with a bunch of kids crowding around him is a very familiar face. He has black hair, he wears glasses and has a pair of Minnie Mouse ears with a ribbon on top of his head. The kids around him chatter excitedly - god are they all clad in the same Toy Story aliens shirt that Jackson is pretty sure is a Uniqlo product - and then they disperse, running in all directions. One of them bumps into Jackson, however, before muttering a quick sorry and running off, and this prompts the man to head towards Jackson, looking alarmed.
'I'm so sorry', the man begins in Mandarin, then he looks up, looks properly at Jackson and he does a double take. 'Jackson?'
5 years after GOT7's disbandment, Jackson sees Mark again for the first time in Hong Kong Disneyland.
Jackson ends up sitting down on a park bench beside Mark. His girlfriend had smiled at Mark after their brief introductions and politely excused herself and ducked into one of the shops, and for that Jackson is grateful. He doesn't think he can survive having her watch his reunion with Mark.
'So you've got a girlfriend now', Mark says, smiling, and something constricts inside Jackson.
'Yeah', Jackson answers, looking down at his hands. 'For a couple of months now.'
Thing is, Jackson expects the conversation to fizzle out quickly just like all those years ago. The Mark he knew wasn't exactly incapable of sustaining a conversation, but sometimes the silence was far too comfortable for him and he was mostly content with letting the other party continue filling it while he nodded and smiled.
But this Mark in front of him is not the same Mark of before. This Mark is better at small talk and they lapse into Mandarin and it switches to English soon enough when Mark teases Jackson about still having to hide from fans, and then the Korean comes out too and Jackson looks at Mark, surprised.
Mark laughs, scratching the back of his head as Jackson tries to prod him into saying more and finally Mark gives in and greets 'Come and get it! GOT7! Hello, we are GOT7!' in Korean. Jackson howls with laughter because trust Mark to cop out like this, and Mark punches him playfully on his arm, saying that it's only coming back because he's here talking to Jackson.
Jackson's voice catches in his throat when he hears that but he plays it down by clearing his throat instead. And for a moment there's a glow in Mark's eyes like he had noticed when Jackson had slipped, but it disappears soon enough. And Jackson cannot help but think that this is just like all those years ago, at some random fansign event and fans would give Mark gift after gift and Mark would end up with either a flower crown or some huge ribbon or cat ears on his head and Mark laughs, touching his Minnie Mouse ears self-consciously as he remarks that yeah, it's almost as if nothing has changed.
(But everything has changed, and Jackson is all too aware of it as Mark's glasses slip down his nose when he leans forward)
Jackson has absolutely no idea what he's doing. He nods as Mark tells him about his life after GOT7 (and Jackson wants to ask him why the hell did he drop off the goddamn earth like that afterwards when the others had surfaced, but he holds his tongue because he knows it will sound far too accusatory or bitter and that's the last thing he wants right now) and that he had gone to community college at first in an attempt to get himself to college afterwards but in the end he wound up in the property business. Jackson catches on to that quickly to tease Mark about having to talk for hours on end for it and Mark laughs, saying that he works the end with more paperwork than talking. It's comforting in a way, Jackson supposes, to know that all these years have gone by but Mark is still the same. And Mark says he's working it out, he's still not too sure but he's getting a clearer idea of where he wants to go and what he wants to do and what he wants.
And Jackson looks at him, mouth dry.
Jackson remembers how Mark couldn't verbalise how he felt in the past and god, Jackson regrets all the fucking hurtful things he did, on camera and off camera and acting up in hopes of getting a reaction. But what the fuck had he been hoping for when he couldn't even open his goddamn mouth to address the issue directly? Before he had been comfortable with what he had with Mark, and for all his claims that winding up with Mark in their room was a result of shit happening, ultimately he had been grateful for the arrangement. Mark had been the closest thing to home, and Jackson remembers how whenever he had tried to teach him a little Cantonese he would struggle to string the words together and Jackson never knew whether to laugh or to cry. With Mark he had all the words he needed to say what he wanted to say, and by then it hadn't just been skinship played up for the fans, it had been more - a reassuring touch, a soft reminder that home can also be a feeling and not just a physical place. Somehow along the way Jackson had fallen, and so had Mark, and the first time Mark had kissed him Jackson felt as if all the air had been knocked out of his lungs.
But after moving out from their dorm room and seeing the world, Jackson had started to realise that what they had wasn't enough. It had been a realisation that punched Jackson in the gut with its intensity, how much he needed to know that their relationship wasn't just about him needing Mark, and that Mark needed him too. Maybe it had been because of the stupid questions Eric and Kevin kept asking on After School Club that had planted it in his head, but along with Mark's reply of how Jackson always seemed to have a lot of questions, from then on Jackson had wondered, what if it wasn't what he had always thought it was? What if it had always been Mark being so fucking nice to him when he had been nothing but annoying? What if their relationship was built on the easy feeling of familiarity and nothing more than that?
So he kept up the Mark is a wall I can't get anything out of him line, he had given Mark the cold shoulder to see how he would react but with Mark... Mark would choke up whenever Jackson had his outbursts and at the end of the day Jackson would leave their room shaking. God they were twenty and so fucking stupid. Jackson had needed and wanted far too much from Mark, and looking back now Jackson realises that he probably wasn't what Mark needed back then either. And he had given in in the end, had given up trying to work things out. The skinship was done for the fans when he could bring himself to because he had been far too obvious to be able to pretend, nothing more.
He had let it slip, let it go. He had pushed Mark away and the dynamics in the group changed, bless Jaebum and Bambam for trying to work something out but there had been some things that they could not have possibly hoped to fix.
It had only been afterwards, after that night in Incheon airport when his flight had been delayed and Mark had gone off first when he had realised how fucking stupid and childish he had been. Mark had tried, he had tried so fucking hard to reach out to him afterwards but all he had done was push him away. So many years of friendship, and in the last few years of GOT7, Jackson had fucked it all up.
And now Mark is here in front of him, holding one of those slushies that looks fucking cold in his hand and the condensation from the plastic cup is dripping on to Mark's jeans and Jackson gestures towards the wet stain on Mark's thigh that is slowly forming and Mark yelps, rubbing at it with a serviette. Jackson has to resist doing it for him because god, they're not twenty in GOT7 any more, they're fucking thirty now, property agent Mark and rising Hong Kong star Jackson with a solid career in entertainment and two blockbusters to his name and one more going up for the Cannes Film Festival.
But here Jackson is, looking at Mark and well, by now Mark looks as average as average can get by idol standards but his smile shines brighter than the sun (as it always had), and Jackson cannot bring himself to look into Mark's eyes because he still remembers that after the adoration, after the affection, it had dissolved into wounded looks, of pain and hurt that he had tried so hard to play it down later on.
Afterwards, Mark leans over and pats Jackson on his arm, tells him that it's great about what he has achieved and Jackson laughs and shoots his mouth off about what he's doing the way he used to (and it all comes back in a painful rush, how Mark used to look at him with that light in his eyes, content to listen to him talk no matter what language he was using and it's been so long god it shouldn't hurt like this again) and Mark nods and listens. He adds something self-deprecating about how he still has to wear his snapbacks all the time, he's wearing one now anyway and it's all because otherwise his face looks too big. And then he goes on and jokes about that flick in which he had acted in as some baseball star and how the caps had been written in into his contract and Mark laughs like he always had when he had been thoroughly amused and Jackson realises that god, he has missed this so much. Mark doesn't reach for his hair like he would in the past when Jackson takes his cap off to push it down into his eyes, but then again Jackson wouldn't have expected him to do it too. But still. It's like the last few years had never happened. It's like everything between them is alright again. It's like Jackson had never shoved the earth off its axis and it's still spinning as it used to back then.
Jackson barely notices when a girl comes up to the both of them, bumping into Mark's leg. The girl has the same shirt as Mark, and she calls Mark uncle Mark very loudly and demands for her drink, tugging at Mark's shirt and Mark laughs, handing it to her. The girl turns to Jackson, eyes narrowing, and Jackson thinks that she looks a lot like Mark and then she turns back to Mark, demanding to know who Jackson is. And Jackson feels that awful feeling spread in his gut and he doesn't even know what that is, god why the hell is Mark's answer to this question by a child even this important to him anyway? It isn't as if they're together again, this is just him meeting an old friend, nothing more-
'He was my bandmate from years ago. Come on, call Uncle Jackson', Mark says, and the girl pouts, but she obliges anyway.
'Hey', Jackson says, and he tries for a wave but the girl doesn't look too satisfied. And it's there, the horrible feeling in his gut that is threatening to overwhelm him and he doesn't know what it is.
'Uncle Mark', the girl whines, and then she's demanding that Mark carry her and come back with the rest of them for The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Mark smiles, ruffles her hair and gets up quickly. But before that he takes out another serviette, and Jackson wonders how and why he's even carrying that around as he scribbles something on it.
'Hey Jackson?' Mark turns and Jackson gets up quickly from the bench. Mark looks so much different now, with a kid in his arms clinging to him. Mark holds out the serviette, and Jackson realises that there's a number scrawled on it. Jackson takes the serviette, silent and he almost jumps when Mark reaches for him and squeezes his hand lightly. 'Don't be a stranger.'
'I should be the one saying that', Jackson snorts, and Mark grins, eyes crinkling. Then Mark's niece is demanding that Mark hurry up and Mark nods and off he goes, running off as his niece shrieks with delight.
Jackson watches Mark disappear into the crowd. That feeling is still there and it makes him want to throw up. After all these years of trying to let go, Mark Tuan shows up again and reminds him that no, some things are meant to stay in your head forever.
Fast forward a few weeks and Jackson heads to Los Angeles for filming. It's a short segment for some TVB travel programme, and Jackson had managed to extend his stay for a few days. He had told his manager that he needed a break, and his girlfriend had looked at him, concerned, and he had shrugged it off, saying that he needed some time on his own.
Thing is, Jackson's hoping for something else. He has Mark's number saved in his phone, all he has to do is to make that call, or just send a text, whichever and just...
hey i heard you'll be in LA. wanna meet up?
Jackson nearly drops his phone. He's waiting to board his flight in Hong Kong International Airport, and there are people around him giving him curious looks. He fumbles with his phone and there are a million questions running through his mind where did you get my number from how did you know I would be in Los Angeles why are you talking to me again god I haven't even apologised for the shit I pulled on you why would you want to see me again what am I going to do but he ends up replying that yes, he'd love to meet up and asks Mark when he'd be free to hang out.
Jackson doesn't expect Mark to invite him to his house. Or at least, his parents' house, and it looks just as it did when they had visited years ago. They had always visited whenever GOT7 made a stop in Los Angeles.
Mark's parents greet Jackson warmly, telling him welcome home. Something constricts again inside Jackson, and he tries to hide it as he leans in to hug them. He hands over a paper bag full of souvenirs from Hong Kong and they tell him that he shouldn't have and Mark smiles at him.
They sit at the dining table and it's just the four of them, Joey has moved out now and Mark has as well, except that he had thought that it'd be nice for Jackson to come back for dinner like this again. And Jackson smiles, says that yeah it's nice, he's really appreciative of it and Mark smiles again and it leaves an awful feeling in Jackson's gut because why, why the fuck is he acting like all these years had never happened and that everything is alright between them again?
For Jackson after they had parted he had ended up on some nights dead drunk, wondering if he could have changed anything then. He had thought of all those nights in their dormitory, with Mark's breathless laughter, Mark lying beneath him with that light in his eyes, Mark's lips beneath his soft and pliant. He remembers Mark crying on stage in Nagoya, he remembers Mark crying to him and him holding him and Mark being there, his body a comfortable weight against his own whenever he felt down and he had thrown it all away and acted like trash towards him afterwards. And then as the years had gone by it had been what if what if what if what if what if that he had tried to forget all about by getting into relationships with a bunch of different people. But Jackson doesn't ask, and if Mark notices anything he doesn't say.
Mark's parents congratulate Jackson on how well he's doing now and Papa Tuan tells Jackson that Mark still updates them about the rest of GOT7 from time to time and that Jaebum came to visit earlier in the year. And Mark smiles, that small smile of his as he looks up at Jackson before looking back at his food again and Jackson starts to apologise about how he's been very busy and Mama Tuan smiles and tells him that it's all okay.
After dessert, Papa Tuan asks if Mark and Jackson are going to stay the night and Mark shakes his head, saying that Jackson already has a hotel room and he'll be driving him back. Jackson nods, and they bid each other farewell soon enough.
Truth is, Jackson doesn't have a hotel room at all. He tells Mark that as they get into Mark's car and Mark is surprised, but then he remarks that he should have known when Jackson had piled his suitcase into his car. Jackson suggests that they go drinking together, and he asks if Mark is living on his own now, and the hesitation is apparent in Mark's eyes before he nods.
So they end up in Mark's flat, it's feels warm but sparse at the same time and they end up together sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, drinking cheap beer together. They talk, and Jackson's all too aware that they're still dancing around each other, or rather he is the one dancing around Mark. That is, until they are through their first six pack of beer and on to the second one when Jackson misses the can and ends up crashing into Mark, pushing him down on to the plush rug.
Jackson's hands fist themselves in the fabric, fuck he's on top of Mark like this, staring down at him and Mark looks up at him, even with the glasses he still looks like he did all those years ago wide eyed cheeks flushed lips parted. 'Mark', he says, voice a breathy exhale and is that panic? Reluctance? In Mark's eyes?
'Jackson, what are you...'
'Mark', Jackson repeats. God it's the alcohol isn't it? Shooting through his veins, making him act like this. He leans in and Mark tugs at the sleeve of his button up shirt.
'Jackson don't, you're with someone aren't you?'
Jackson looks at Mark, biting the inside of his cheek. 'I...'
And then it all tumbles out for Jackson, how he's so fucking sorry for all the shit he had pulled on Mark, how he had been a colossal idiot and how he had treated Mark like trash and how he had been trash and how he had spent the last five years thinking about it from time to time and he doesn't even know why Mark is treating him so nicely like this, how can he even want to talk to him after all this shit and he goes on and on and on with Mandarin to fill the gaps that his English cannot express and throughout it all Mark just looks at him with a stricken sort of expression on his face.
'I'm sorry', Jackson says finally. He repeats it again in Mandarin, and he'll get up now, god Mark probably wants to forget about all this shit that's why he's acting like everything is normal again but here he is being fucking stupid, bringing up painful shit no one wants to remember. 'I'm going back to Hong Kong tomorrow, I won't bother you again.'
But Mark's fingers are still pulling at his sleeve and he is all quiet, his glasses have slipped far too low now and then he looks up at Jackson and cups his cheek. His fingertips are light on Jackson's skin. Mark swallows, and Jackson can see the bob of his adam's apple when he does, and Jackson hardly dares to breathe. Mark licks his lips. 'Will you feel better if we stay like this tonight?' he asks, voice soft.
Jackson swallows hard and fuck, he doesn't trust himself with anything right now. He wants to ask what about you talk to me how do you feel talk to me goddamn it just tell me but the words do not come and instead he nods, struggles to try to speak and only manages a 'yes', voice hoarse.
Mark looks at him, eyes assessing. His gaze softens and his hand slips lower to cup Jackson's neck, pulling him down. 'Okay', he says, and his lips brush against Jackson's.
And all Jackson can do is to give in.
The next day, Jackson wakes up only when Mark wakes him. Jackson is in some weird position on the sofa, and Mark is beside him, shaking him.
'Jackson. Jackson', Mark repeats in that quick way he always says his name so it's almost Jason instead. 'Wake up, don't you have a flight to catch?'
And for a moment Jackson thinks he's in JYP again they're promoting and they're late and he springs up so quickly he almost knocks into Mark. Then everything comes into focus, slowly, and his head hurts and it's from the night before, from drinking with Mark. He's in a flat in Los Angeles and Mark's looking at him worriedly and there is no concert to rush and prepare for, just a flight back home.
'What time is it?' Jackson asks, groaning.
'Twelve in the afternoon. Are you late?'
'Fuck', Jackson swears, and he nearly trips over his feet getting up.
Mark drives Jackson to Los Angeles International Airport. Jackson is half terrified of Mark's driving and half thankful that he has Mark with him, and they make it to the airport in time.
Mark sees Jackson off and Jackson pulls him into a hug like he doesn't want to let go. They haven't resolved much from the night before, after Mark had kissed Jackson that had been most of the night, with Jackson falling asleep soon enough.
'Jackson. Jackson. They're calling for you to board already', Mark says, feeling awkward about still being in Jackson's embrace.
Jackson is, however, babbling on and on about how he doesn't want this to end how he doesn't want this spell to be broken wants to know where they stand now and why is Mark letting him do this when Mark pushes him away lightly.
'Hey', Mark says, hands on Jackson's shoulders. 'We're still friends. Okay?'
Jackson looks at him, uncertain. 'But I... Last night...'
Mark looks at him, silent. His hands do not leave Jackson's shoulders.
Jackson swallows hard, watching Mark closely. 'So you're testing my acting skills now huh, Mark Tuan, is that what this is', he says hotly. There's nothing else he can come up with now, and the silence is driving him insane because god, he needs to hear something, anything from Mark.
And as they stare at each other in silence the announcement for Jackson Wang to board the goddamn flight goes on and on and on and Jackson thinks god this is it again isn't it? Mark not saying anything and Jackson can't read Mark at all, Mark may have kissed him the night before but it doesn't mean anything without Mark saying so. Fuck, it might have been him pitying him for all he knows and Jackson's about to shoot his mouth off again and then Mark looks down, biting his lower lip as Jackson looks on, not daring to breathe as he waits for Mark's answer.
'I'll be in Hong Kong next month', Mark says finally, voice uneasy. He shoves his hands into his jeans now as he talks. 'We can talk again then.'
'Next month', Jackson echoes.
Mark smiles thinly. 'We should take some time off to think.'
'Do you regret last night. Because if you do we can both forget about it and you don't have to see me ever again-'
'No', Mark cuts in. 'But I need to think. You need to think too. Your girlfriend...' Mark trails off.
'Right', Jackson says, and Mark's shoulders look like they sag a little in relief.
'You should go now', Mark says. The announcement for Jackson Wang goes on.
'Tell me when you're going to Hong Kong', Jackson says in a rush, squeezing Mark's shoulder.
Mark nods. 'Have a safe flight', he says, and Jackson nods.
Jackson turns to leave, heads for the departure gate. But he stops halfway, and turns around to see Mark's retreating figure. And all he can think of is Mark leaving on that night in Incheon, leaving him alone in the distance.
Mark drives back on his own, and for some reason he puts GOT7's old music on as he drives. He still sings his parts when they come on, heck, he sings the whole thing when it comes on even though he has forgotten what some of the words mean. And he thinks back to the night before, thinks of how he had kissed Jackson back then and he wonders, god, why the fuck did he do that? What is he trying to do, what is he trying to prove? Their relationship had ended before GOT7 had come to an end. Mark had already accepted it back then, tried so hard to bring it a level where he could have been comfortable to still interact with Jackson without fucking up the group dynamic and then after GOT7 had disbanded, all he had tried to do was to forget about whatever that had gone on then.
But forgetting is a difficult task, and every now and then Jackson still slips back into his thoughts, and it hurts because he'd never really been able to replicate whatever they had with anyone else. That sort of casual intimacy, touching instinctively and feeling the comfortable weight of having someone rest against you, knowing they've got your back.
And now it all comes back, just because of one stupid meeting with Jackson Wang in Hong Kong Disneyland and what are the odds, really and he thinks of the past, those nights in their room when they had both lain awake, silent. The atmosphere had been suffocating, filled with all those things left unsaid, but Mark had no idea how to put what he had been feeling into words. In the beginning it had been okay just to express himself through touch, to tell Jackson that he needed him when he pressed close and Jackson had understood. But as the months went by and when Jackson came back from guesting on all his variety shows it somehow became apparent that Mark was missing something, that Jackson wanted something from him but he had no idea what it was because he had no idea how to reach out and ask. Leaning close and trying to get his attention hadn't been enough, and Mark back then had no way of knowing that, thinking that if he had tried a little harder it would have been alright.
And he had been quiet when he should've said something, cowardly when he should've been brave and he had let it all escalate to the point where Jackson had given up while he had been trying too hard. It had been so good at first, how sometimes all Mark needed to do was to communicate with touch and the comfortable feeling of being together had been filled with warmth but in the end they had chosen to let their problems blow up in their faces instead of trying to solve it. Wrong timing, wrong frequency, and too many people watching for Mark to have ever felt that he could work it out with Jackson.
And here they are, and it has all come to this. Five years has gone by and now the two of them live hours apart in two different ends of the globe. If Mark is completely honest with himself then yes, the main reason why he's still single is because he hadn't quite managed to get over his relationship with Jackson, and how each time he had tried he had either built his walls up too high or pulled them far too low and had gotten hurt instead. Every now and then he catches himself thinking why can't he have something like that back again when he's in a new relationship, and it always ends with a breakup because the last thing Mark wants to do is to turn someone else into a replacement. But then again, how can anything compare to what he had with Jackson? Jackson had been special, an anchor to home when Mark had been in a foreign land, someone familiar to come back to in English and Mandarin, someone who was always willing to draw him out of his shell when he couldn't get up on his own. He's back in America now, and it's all different.
'Stop stop it' comes on and Mark laughs to himself. How apt, isn't it? He should just stop it. He wonders what he's doing because for fuck's sake, Jackson has a girlfriend now even if he's telling Mark all these things and how should Mark know if this isn't some fucked up thing that's delayed guilt or some shit that Jackson has that results in him trying to make this up to him after their chance encounter? As much as Mark doesn't want to admit it yes, he has been keeping tabs on Jackson through social media, checking his twitter and instagram and facebook accounts frequently even though really, he shouldn't. Of course, he justifies it by making sure that he checks up on everyone else as well, and there's Jinyoung who skypes him every now and then and fills him in on what he's missing. And Mark laughs and hums whenever Jinyoung talks about Jackson, and sometimes Jinyoung looks like he wants to say something more, but when Mark asks about it he shakes his head, and says it's nothing.
Mark gets back to a mess in his flat. He has to clear it up, of course, and then he realises that there's a snapback on the floor that looks conspicuously out of place.
He picks it up. After all these years, Jackson still loves his snapbacks.
Mark sighs, and leaves it on his sofa.
On the plane back Jackson thinks of Mark thinks of how Mark had looked in the morning how Mark had looked at the airport how Mark had looked the night before and he feels like he's about to throw up.
(He does, later on after he has landed in Hong Kong. He's puking his guts out in an airport toilet cubicle and he's on the floor and it's fucking gross but it's still definitely better than the horrible feeling he has in his heart.)
Mark goes to Hong Kong as planned. Or rather, not as planned, because he had only said those words at the airport to placate Jackson and now he's stuck in this, on a non-stop flight to Hong Kong to see the one person he had tried so hard to forget all these years.
God, what the fuck is all this. He's not some toyboy of Jackson Wang, for fuck's sake. He massages his temples and he tries to forget about it but when he turns on the inflight entertainment there it is, one of Jackson's flicks that was a smash hit in the cinemas both at home and abroad. There's no running away. But what did Mark expect? After all, he's flying Cathay Pacific.
Needless to say, Mark ends up with Jackson in Hong Kong.
Mark doesn't mean for it to happen. He doesn't mean to be with Jackson like this right off the bat, with Jackson kissing him one hand cradling his head pulling him down on to the bed. He doesn't mean to go this far, with Jackson's fingers trembling as he unbuttons Mark's shirt, as he pulls it off him and presses kisses from his jaw to his neck down to his collarbones.
Jackson's touch is reverent, he touches Mark like he's so fucking afraid that he would break him and god, it's just like all those years ago in their dorm room in JYP, when Jackson would do this to him and they would be so fucking afraid because anyone could walk into the room at any point because the locks didn't work. But at the same time this is different, Jackson moves slowly, so fucking slowly like he's learning and mapping every single part of Mark all over again and part of Mark is fucking exhausted after his flight to Hong Kong but another part of him says yes, god yes, carry on with what you're doing.
And when Jackson reaches for Mark's glasses Mark doesn't know why but he lets him take them off, lets Jackson kiss his eyelids as his hands slide lower down his body.
'Mark', Jackson says, voice rough and Mark looks at him in the dim light. Jackson looks worried, like he's afraid that he'd fuck this one up and Mark smiles, cupping his cheeks with his hands and pulling him closer for a kiss.
'It's okay', Mark murmurs against Jackson's lips.
It's okay.
In the morning, of course, Mark regrets. Okay it's not morning perhaps, all Mark knows is that it is light outside and he has lost all track of time ever since flying here from Los Angeles. He flings an arm out, searching for his glasses and locates it on bedside drawer.
He squints, looking at the bedside clock and it's three in the afternoon. He's having awful jetlag and he's naked in Jackson's ridiculously huge bed in his ridiculously huge penthouse in Victoria Peak and he has absolutely no idea what the fuck he is doing.
Jackson comes back with food minutes after Mark wakes up.
'Hey', Jackson says, flopping down on to the bed. 'You're up. Sorry I didn't wake you, you looked really tired so... Anyway I brought food', he says, thrusting the tray he's holding out at Mark. There are egg tarts amongst other things, and Mark thinks of that showcase they had in Hong Kong one year after debut, when Jackson had told the screaming crowd how they had shared a bed in Jackson's house. More than ten years later and here he is, in the same position, except he isn't a JYP trainee any more.
'Right', Mark says.
'You must be thirsty. Here, water.' Jackson pushes a bottle of water into Mark's hands and Mark catches his wrist.
'Jackson', Mark says, and when Jackson is about to open his mouth to say something again Mark tightens his grip on Jackson's wrist. 'Jackson. Listen. About last night.'
'Last night oh god it's not guilt or anything I swear to god it isn't okay I know I fucked up and I know that it's been years and I didn't say anything and I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me any more because I was such an asshole and I'm sorry but fuck this isn't that Mark I miss you and I really want to make this work again if you'd let me I swear I won't fuck it up again-'
'Jackson', Mark says, reaching for Jackson's shoulder now. He shakes him lightly, and Jackson shuts up, looking chastened. He looks like he's a thirty something like this, in the morning light. So much older now. But he still talks the same way he did when he was twenty, and Mark smiles. 'I know.'
'But you don't have to do this if you don't feel anything for me like you didn't have to come and see me or anything-' Jackson begins again when Mark pulls him into a hug. Jackson is vaguely aware that the tray is tipping sideways, but oh.
'We could try again', Mark says in a rush. 'It's okay.'
Mark finds out that Jackson broke up with his girlfriend after he came back from Los Angeles. Jackson ducks his head, muttering something about how he had realised that he shouldn't be fucking up like this any more. Mark nods because really, he has no idea what to say to that. And sometimes he leaves Jackson's penthouse, takes a taxi on his own to the nearest MTR station and winds up wandering around in Tsim Sha Tsui because really, he's not in Hong Kong for anything. He's only here because of Jackson. He's only here because by now all he needs is closure, and to go five years without it is way too long. He's only here because he wants to know if there's a shot at making up for what they've lost, if there's a way he can change the ending for all this.
But at the same time, he's afraid that the answer might not be the one he's looking for.
They try to talk it out. Communication had fucked them over the first time they had been together, and they had had to hide their relationship from the world, and from those they had lived with as well. Now it's different, so much different, but at the same time what is this? Mark cannot be in Hong Kong indefinitely, and it isn't as if Jackson will up and leave for America any time soon. Would a long distance relationship work? Mark has no idea, and neither does Jackson.
Then again, it isn't as if they can be together now either. At least, not outside, not when they're both men, and Jackson's one of the hottest stars in Hong Kong and Mark is nothing more than a has-been idol. And the days go by, they go on secret dates holding hands beneath the tablecloth in swanky restaurants and Mark is all too aware of how Jackson is paying for everything. Mark pulls out his wallet sometimes, it isn't as if he cannot afford anything but Jackson keeps refusing, telling him that it's okay, he wants to do this, he needs to do this. And Mark doesn't argue because okay, he doesn't want to be the one who fucks this up because of this now. Maybe later when Jackson heads over to Los Angeles… Mark sits in a cafe in Hong Kong waiting for Jackson to come back with coffee and pastries and he wonders, watching the rain fall outside. Will they even make it back to Los Angeles together? When Jackson returns with a smile, thrusting the food out at Mark, Mark doesn't think this should be a question he should ask.
Some nights they cook together in Jackson's kitchen and it's alarming how easily they fall into this routine together, and soon enough Mark is lounging around in Jackson's penthouse in just a tank top and boxers and Jackson is, frankly, absolutely incapable of keeping his hands off Mark. They go from having supper at weird hours in the night at food places with ridiculously cheap prices to Jackson fucking Mark into the mattress on some nights and Mark blowing Jackson when they shower together and of course, Mark almost comes too quickly when one night Jackson straddles him with his calves bracketing his thighs and rides his cock like his life depends on it. Nights spent together watching Jackson's hilarious TVB dramas with Jackson having to explain all the Cantonese jokes to Mark segue into mornings with Mark waking up in Jackson's arms. But some mornings Mark wakes up alone, and it's one of those mornings when it hits Mark that he has absolutely no idea what he's doing here.
Even after so long, even now, even with their feelings for one another, there's something in this that cannot be fixed like this. They've missed too many chances. They're no longer in their twenties, god they're in their thirties now and there are so many things they can't give up. Mark, well, he doesn't have much but Jackson has so much ahead of him and right now Mark doesn't think he should be in this position to take that away from him. Not like this.
It ends with Jackson laughing and crying against Mark saying that god it he fucks up every single goddamn time and Mark chokes up, he wants to say something but like this it's as if he's twenty one in his dorm room and they're back in JYP again and he feels so small and incapable of doing anything. It takes a while before he's able to speak, before he's able to say that he's unable to give up what he has in Los Angeles, it took him five goddamn years to get to where he is now, to be able to stand on his own after GOT7 with some semblance of an idea of what to do and well, he can't just leave like this. And Jackson has his whole career up there, god he can't be this selfish to Jackson.
Jackson laughs, voice harsh and tells Mark that fuck, it's not like this it's not but they both know that they can't be together in public or anything not now, not for a few years at least. And Mark's tired of having to hide, it had taken a huge toll on him back when they were in GOT7 and he doesn't think he'll be able to take it again. It's a whirlwind four weeks and it's now or never.
Mark takes a deep breath, and tells Jackson that he has to go back to Los Angeles.
(The truth is, Mark had never even booked a return flight in the first place. But this is where it all has to end. They've missed too many chances. There is no opportunity left for them to start again. It's time for the curtain to fall; time for this to end.)
Mark finds Jackson's snapback in his flat one morning after having to clean out the place because of the mess his friends had made the night before during their monthly drinking session at his place. He doesn't know why he didn't bring it back to Jackson when he had gone to Hong Kong. He should throw it out now. There's no point in keeping it.
Instead he curls up on the sofa hugging the snapback close, throwing his glasses aside as he sobs.
Jackson's cooking in his kitchen, making omelette and he instinctively turns to ask Mark to pass the salt. He sticks his hand out but the salt never comes, and then he looks up and he remembers that he's alone now, god Mark isn't here anymore and their time is over and this is it, this is the end.
The tears fall into the frying pan, and Jackson turns off the induction cooker because he cannot bring himself to finish his cooking any more. He curls up on the floor, against the kitchen cabinet, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand.
What was it then, that month that Mark had spent in Hong Kong with Jackson? Was it just them trying to make up for whatever it was that they had once upon a time? Was it them trying to tell themselves that no matter what, at whichever point of time they were together they wouldn't work out?
The next few years go by in a blur. It comes as a surprise for everyone that Jackson gets married first, even though Yugyeom had gotten engaged way before Jackson had. Bambam, Jaebum and Jinyoung show up with their girlfriends, Yugyeom with his fiancée of course, whereas Mark and Youngjae are the only ones who show up alone. Youngjae tells Mark that he hasn't found The One yet, but he doesn't intend to find The One anyway, and Mark smiles, saying he's still searching when Youngjae asks.
There's a toast to the bride and groom, and later on the married couple go round to talk to the guests, to take photos and it is then when Mark comes face to face with Jackson again, his first time seeing him after a few years.
'You came', Jackson says, grinning widely.
'I said I would', Mark says, switching to Mandarin. He doesn't trust himself in English now with the rest of his former bandmates here with him.
'I'm grateful', Jackson replies. There's a pause now, like he's not sure what to say.
'I wish you happiness', Mark says. He means it. He really does.
'Thank you', Jackson answers. He pulls Mark into a hug, and Mark makes sure that he pulls away as quickly as he can.
Mark's flight back to Los Angeles is in the wee hours of the morning, directly after Jackson's wedding. He's in the taxi heading towards Hong Kong International Airport when he gets a call on his phone.
It's his boyfriend. Mark picks up the phone, voice tentative. 'Hello?'
'Mark?'
'Yeah?'
'How's the wedding? Are you still there?'
'It was alright. I'm heading to the airport now.'
'Call me when you reach the airport yeah? I'll be coming to pick you up.'
'Okay.'
'Mark?'
'Hmm?'
'Are you alright?'
It hits Mark now, in a taxi to the goddamn airport and it's so stupid, it's all so fucking stupid. 'Yeah', Mark answers, fighting to keep his voice normal as the tears fall.
He's crying but he says 'I'm alright.'
Everyone has a person they love the most in their heart. Perhaps, they might not be the one by your side. For some people, you can only keep them inside your heart.
When you love someone, you don't necessarily have to be together.
--
notes!
-first ever got7 fic!
-inspired by mark and jackson's cover of jay chou's 安静, as well as jj lin's 可惜没如果.
-i'll see you again: in mandarin you say 再见 when it's time to say goodbye but it doesn't mean goodbye, it means see you again so u___u
-title from here and roughly translated, it means maybe you're destined to miss some people.
-last few lines from fuying&sam's 分开以后.
-tysm to m, r and ransom_ransom for your help!
-also, happy 七夕 although this fic is anything but happy...