Trying to be positive
I'm trying my hardest not to get depressed but it's so damn hard. I feel down right now. I feel sad. I'm trying to tell myself though that there's nothing to feel sad about. I'm thinking too much about past events that I can't change. It's like this old Eddie Money song---"I wanna go back and do it all over but I can't go back I know." So many regrets and so many things that I wish were different. I need to let it all go. I've been trying to. The thing is that when you put so much credence in the past you find that you can't let go--it becomes a part of you somehow. I tell myself that she is married with a child no less and that the girl I loved with all my heart is someone who no longer exists...She's gone. Let it go...Let it go. But I hold on to this piece and I hold on to a lot of my hatred and fears and I don't know why. Is it because there is comfort in what is known? I have known this feeling for so long that letting it go feels unusual. I don't know.
Maybe it's because I am alone right now stranded in my little apartment in Creve Coeur, Missouri . I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. I haven't been able to sleep recently. I just feel so tired. I go to work and I've been trying to put my all into it. Work's been hard and it's been incredibly aggravating but I've been handling it with good humour. I've always been a very sensitive individual. I'm the only man I know who isn't afraid to cry. On the bright side I haven't cried since that night I was thrown in the psych ward a month ago. I know I'm doing better. When work gets me down I find myself laughing in the face of it because it's so ridiculous. I realize that apparently I have a reputation around my work as a good worker insomuch that my clients apparently rave about me. I don't know why. I don't see how I do anything differently than other people. Still I have for once accepted a compliment and realized that it's true. That is hard for me. I never believed compliments about myself until recently. I've been in a more poaitive mood set and I am trying hard to maintain that. I'm a little down right now and a little sad and lonely but I'm not letting it get to me. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity or listen to sad songs and sing and cry along to it. What good does that do?
I looked at myself closely in the mirror just a few minutes ago. I've always believed I am ugly because frankly it was something I've been led to believe practically my whole life. I took a look at myself and realized that I'm really not that bad. Lose 50-60 lbs and do something to my teeth and i'd look pretty good. I have beautiful blue eyes...See? I can say something positive about how I look. Amazing...
Well I'm a little down but I'll survive. I think I'll go by my old standby--a good comedy. Nothing beats the blues like a good comedy. Laughter is the best medicine.
Maybe it's because I am alone right now stranded in my little apartment in Creve Coeur, Missouri . I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. I haven't been able to sleep recently. I just feel so tired. I go to work and I've been trying to put my all into it. Work's been hard and it's been incredibly aggravating but I've been handling it with good humour. I've always been a very sensitive individual. I'm the only man I know who isn't afraid to cry. On the bright side I haven't cried since that night I was thrown in the psych ward a month ago. I know I'm doing better. When work gets me down I find myself laughing in the face of it because it's so ridiculous. I realize that apparently I have a reputation around my work as a good worker insomuch that my clients apparently rave about me. I don't know why. I don't see how I do anything differently than other people. Still I have for once accepted a compliment and realized that it's true. That is hard for me. I never believed compliments about myself until recently. I've been in a more poaitive mood set and I am trying hard to maintain that. I'm a little down right now and a little sad and lonely but I'm not letting it get to me. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity or listen to sad songs and sing and cry along to it. What good does that do?
I looked at myself closely in the mirror just a few minutes ago. I've always believed I am ugly because frankly it was something I've been led to believe practically my whole life. I took a look at myself and realized that I'm really not that bad. Lose 50-60 lbs and do something to my teeth and i'd look pretty good. I have beautiful blue eyes...See? I can say something positive about how I look. Amazing...
Well I'm a little down but I'll survive. I think I'll go by my old standby--a good comedy. Nothing beats the blues like a good comedy. Laughter is the best medicine.