Benbow Part II
(transcribed from the paper journal)
6/4/2005
Early Morning
Feeling awake
I had strange dreams all night. In one my father was incredibly drunk and began to pull the earrings James had bought me as gifts from my ears. He was very violent about it and the entire time I could feel my heart aching. I wonder what it means. Sometimes I wish that Kioshte hadn't been inspired by me to move to Southern California. He was incredible at dream interpretation and even taught a class on the subject at some University somewhere long before he knew me. I found one of his cards in a book I had brought with me to read obviously left and forgotten from the time in which I used many of them as place holders:
Dream Medicine
KIOSHTE
Michael Melville, MA
Counselor
(707)468-9500
P.O. Box 678, Ukiah, CA 95482
email: kioshte@yahoo.com
The information is outdated and on the side is stylized artwork depicting a rattlesnake and a coyote-- his spirit animals. I am a raven. When I met him I had ravens following me everywhere. He found this interesting; his 'adopted' son, Paul, was also a raven. Paul is beautiful to look at and very dark; secretive. I had an instant attraction to him that always made James a little uncomfortable. Paul is a wanderer, though, and last time I saw him was one summer ago after he left the ashram where he was studying healing and headed north. He knocked on my door in the late morning and spent the day telling me of his adventures and meditating in my back garden. I miss him; I hope we find each other again.
Kioshte was my uncle. He explained this to me one day telling me of Native American familial relationships and how an uncle works as a mentor, a life teacher if you will. I was hurt because he claimed to feel as if James were his son and wanted to go through the adoption ceremony with him. I grew jealous of James because I wanted a father, a man to love me, and nothing I did inclined Kioshte to feel that way toward me. I was desperate and fucked up at the time but I consoled myself with the thought that he seemed to be grooming James in order to get into his pants and James was never entirely comfortable with him. It was good he left when he did though I felt devastated by the news. He had saved me from myself and showed me incredible things and I will always miss his presence for those reasons. I wonder if he misses me.
Memories are strange things. I've been flooded with them since I started seeing auras again. I feel like it's all working up to something but I'd rather consider where I might find some coffee than ponder this right now.
6/4/2005
Early Morning
Feeling awake
I had strange dreams all night. In one my father was incredibly drunk and began to pull the earrings James had bought me as gifts from my ears. He was very violent about it and the entire time I could feel my heart aching. I wonder what it means. Sometimes I wish that Kioshte hadn't been inspired by me to move to Southern California. He was incredible at dream interpretation and even taught a class on the subject at some University somewhere long before he knew me. I found one of his cards in a book I had brought with me to read obviously left and forgotten from the time in which I used many of them as place holders:
Dream Medicine
KIOSHTE
Michael Melville, MA
Counselor
(707)468-9500
P.O. Box 678, Ukiah, CA 95482
email: kioshte@yahoo.com
The information is outdated and on the side is stylized artwork depicting a rattlesnake and a coyote-- his spirit animals. I am a raven. When I met him I had ravens following me everywhere. He found this interesting; his 'adopted' son, Paul, was also a raven. Paul is beautiful to look at and very dark; secretive. I had an instant attraction to him that always made James a little uncomfortable. Paul is a wanderer, though, and last time I saw him was one summer ago after he left the ashram where he was studying healing and headed north. He knocked on my door in the late morning and spent the day telling me of his adventures and meditating in my back garden. I miss him; I hope we find each other again.
Kioshte was my uncle. He explained this to me one day telling me of Native American familial relationships and how an uncle works as a mentor, a life teacher if you will. I was hurt because he claimed to feel as if James were his son and wanted to go through the adoption ceremony with him. I grew jealous of James because I wanted a father, a man to love me, and nothing I did inclined Kioshte to feel that way toward me. I was desperate and fucked up at the time but I consoled myself with the thought that he seemed to be grooming James in order to get into his pants and James was never entirely comfortable with him. It was good he left when he did though I felt devastated by the news. He had saved me from myself and showed me incredible things and I will always miss his presence for those reasons. I wonder if he misses me.
Memories are strange things. I've been flooded with them since I started seeing auras again. I feel like it's all working up to something but I'd rather consider where I might find some coffee than ponder this right now.