Guilt, bitterness, and regret
I wonder why I never feel the urge to write anything here unless I'm either bored, irritated, unhappy, or otherwise occupied with unpleasant emotions?
Today, I'm just plain irritated at myself and at the world in general. Only one of the two things mentioned actually deserves it...I'll leave you to guess whom.
Most, if not all, of the irritation really stems from my frustration at the fact that my grandmother is ill. I swear up and down that I don't care about her but deep down, I know that I do. She and I never really got along...in fact, the only one of us that she did get along with was my brother. But that doesn't mean that I never wanted to get along with her. I did. She just made it so difficult.
I suppose I'm trying to justify myself...to excuse my actions...to explain why I rarely ever called her, why I never made an effort to really get to know her, why I tried my best to keep her at a distance emotionally. And I feel guilty b/c now she may be dying...and I still don't want to call her, I still don't want to make an effort to really get to know her and I still try my best to keep her at a distance emotionally-- and I hate myself for it.
I don't know...it's all so frustrating and confusing, honestly. I feel very lost right now. I keep thinking that if I'd done things differently, maybe I could've actually had a good relationship with her.
But at the same time, I really doubt it. There was too much standing between us...her relationship with my mother (or rather the lack of it), her fanaticism with religion, her constant demands on everybody's time and patience, her pointed remarks that were intended to make others feel guilty for not doing what she thought they should be doing. It's exhausting, to be honest. And I feel horrible for saying that, b/c she's my grandmother and she has gone through a lot in life...but it's the truth.
I guess what all this boils down to is that I wish things were different. I wish that I wasn't who I am and she wasn't who she is. I wish I could've had a good relationship with her and that things weren't ending like this.
Today, I'm just plain irritated at myself and at the world in general. Only one of the two things mentioned actually deserves it...I'll leave you to guess whom.
Most, if not all, of the irritation really stems from my frustration at the fact that my grandmother is ill. I swear up and down that I don't care about her but deep down, I know that I do. She and I never really got along...in fact, the only one of us that she did get along with was my brother. But that doesn't mean that I never wanted to get along with her. I did. She just made it so difficult.
I suppose I'm trying to justify myself...to excuse my actions...to explain why I rarely ever called her, why I never made an effort to really get to know her, why I tried my best to keep her at a distance emotionally. And I feel guilty b/c now she may be dying...and I still don't want to call her, I still don't want to make an effort to really get to know her and I still try my best to keep her at a distance emotionally-- and I hate myself for it.
I don't know...it's all so frustrating and confusing, honestly. I feel very lost right now. I keep thinking that if I'd done things differently, maybe I could've actually had a good relationship with her.
But at the same time, I really doubt it. There was too much standing between us...her relationship with my mother (or rather the lack of it), her fanaticism with religion, her constant demands on everybody's time and patience, her pointed remarks that were intended to make others feel guilty for not doing what she thought they should be doing. It's exhausting, to be honest. And I feel horrible for saying that, b/c she's my grandmother and she has gone through a lot in life...but it's the truth.
I guess what all this boils down to is that I wish things were different. I wish that I wasn't who I am and she wasn't who she is. I wish I could've had a good relationship with her and that things weren't ending like this.