Dear Doctor 'Drew,'
I've been watching the show, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1 lately. I think the show is much more meaningful if you can relate the experiences of the addicts in that show to people you know in your own life that are dealing with or have dealt with addiction. This show hits home every time I watch it and makes me think about my personal experiences with addiction in my family. It hurts and it can ruin lives. Every time I watch the show the feeling of tragedy and sadness overwhelms me and often leaves me with a few tear stains on my shirt or sleeve. Addiction is a very hard thing to deal with, even if you don't have to deal with it yourself. In my life, I've had to deal with addiction, thought I didn't know it, my father had been addicted to alcohol and illegal drugs for most of my childhood. My mother did an incredible job keeping it hidden from us, so that we wouldn't grow up to be scarred individuals with pain and resentment and bitterness in our hearts toward our parents that have caused us mental or physical abuse. I thank my mom and appreciate her bravery for taking on the burden of knowing what my father had been doing throughout my entire childhood and keeping us from knowing the extent to which he had been endangering our lives. My most vivid memory of my father's many addictions come from when he used to drive us around to fall asleep for a nap during the middle of the day on the weekends. He would drive us around and drink his 'diet coke' in the big 7-11 cups and throw away mysterious bottles in our neighbors' trash cans before we got home. He would always tell us not to tell our mom that he was throwing away his trash in other people's trash cans. That would be 'bad.' We didn't. We were on our dad's side. When our mother tried to pry us away from him, we resisted, thinking and accusing her of being a mean mom. She knew better. We would only see my father on the weekends. His attention was our drug. He loved us very much, but he cared far too much about himself to actually share his life with us and give up the drinking and drugs.
to be cont'd...
Dear Doctor ARA,
Though I often try to pretend, and sometimes quite successfully, that my 'love life' is not important to me, it is, I've made a habit of lying to myself. I tell myself that a love life is not important to me, when in reality I cannot bear to think about what my life is like without someone to share it with. I have this desire to feel like I am above it all, that I can ignore my personal needs for love and intimacy just as many religions tell us to ignore our sexual desires completely until marriage. Now, people actualize an exciting and fulfilling sex life as a need on the same level as food and water. I don't necessarily agree but I am lonely and seek someone who can share my life with me whether or not sexuality is part of the relationship. I claim to be independent and busy myself with career goals that are very ambitious. If I have ambitious goals that I want to focus on, I won't have time to focus on any other part of my life, especially my romantic life. While it may be my own personal insecurities that cause me to want to be with someone, it may also be a basic human need to share one's life with another person and be involved with them romantically. I have good instincts when it comes to romance. I like to think of myself as a great romancer, and by the account of many of the women I've dated, that fact can be affirmed. But sometimes I get a little too carried away. I come off as taking a relationship more seriously than it is in reality, when actually, I just care about that someone a whole lot. to be cont'd.
For some reason, after months of being out of contact with you, I still can't get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. I've gone on dates with other women, I've busied myself with school work, a social life and the beginnings of a career; I've even resorted to praying that God would help me to put you out of my mind. He is, after all, the only one who can change hearts and wills. I want to be the strong independent man that I see myself as, and I want to have the strength I need and just get over you, but so far, it's been a losing battle. What I'm getting to is, I'm still absolutely, illogically against all forms of reason, crazy about you. I think you're perfect in every way just how you are. I think about you and our past interactions every day; all of the witty things you said, your clever observations, your adorable facial expressions, your darling sarcasm. I think about the way you kiss, how oversized the beer mugs from the goat hill looked in your dainty little hands. Your intoxicating giggle makes me melt. I miss the way your hair smells, I miss how involved you get watching the Chargers as if they're your own little brothers. I almost fainted when I heard you play guitar for the first time, I was jealous of how you commanded the piano keys, and it took my breath away when you kissed me for the first time sitting on the bench in seaport village. We clicked. When we were together I felt so comfortable but the experience was so exciting, and I don't think all of the excitement can be attributed to the newness of the relationship. Every day, the words you said that night you ended our relationship ring in my head. How I've gone over them time and time again, analyzing your tone of voice, your inflection, your choice of words. I had even written out and outlined what I wanted to say to you, but those crushing phrases suffocated every last breath of reason from my chest and choked every last hope that stood on its toes in my heart with a pent-up anxiousness. I was sad. Crushed. "Bummed."
I knew you were right.
That was the worst part. I knew that trying to have a long distance relationship would never have worked, it would have eaten me alive, especially in consideration of how much I like(d) you. That first night we went out in San Diego, I was driving back Orange County and I thought to myself, "I can't get involved with this girl." Not only did I realize that I am far too young to have met someone who I'd want to be serious with, but I also knew that it would be so painful and tragic if I fell for you when you live hours away from me. I knew I'd miss you. I knew I'd have an insatiable longing to see you or talk to you all day long, all week long, all month long. I'll continue this later, but every day I'm just reminded of how much I miss YOU. Not the 'idea of you,' I can find any pretty girl to be in a relationship with, there are plenty that come in to starbucks, I can find any intelligent girl, I've already met one that majored in Psych at Biola, I can meet any girl that shares my sense of humor, my friends Alba and Royale do, I can date some other girl that can play and write music, but still, no one could ever compare to you, ARA. You are one of a kind and, if nothing else, it was the best month of my life getting to know you. I'd just love to be around you, even if for some reason you couldn't interact with me, as in some kind of a Christmas Carol type of fantasy. YOU and everything about you, everything that is a part of you, is entrancing to me. I hope with all my heart the stars will figuratively align someday and we can be together. Sooner rather than later would be nice. I've deemed this year my year of risk-taking, therefore I'm thinking about to moving to San Diego this summer and live with my uncle. I'd be 20 minutes away and there will be no hindrances that have to sit on top of 'distance.' I'll let you know I'm there and at that point, the ball would totally be in your court, and who knows, maybe I'll end up spending the whole summer there without ever hearing back from you, but it will have been worth three or four months living in a city where I know no one just for the chance that you might one day reply back and agree to grab a beer and firecracker wings with me. I realize there was more than just distance involved in why you felt we couldn't be together, but I hope you'll be willing to take a chance. That's my prayer. I'm not a needy guy, well, with someone like you I might be a little more needy than usual. Hopefully it will not be considered creepy in any way, I'm just a guy who's crazy about you.
to be cont'd...
Dear Doctor ARA,
Though I often try to pretend, and sometimes quite successfully, that my 'love life' is not important to me, it is, I've made a habit of lying to myself. I tell myself that a love life is not important to me, when in reality I cannot bear to think about what my life is like without someone to share it with. I have this desire to feel like I am above it all, that I can ignore my personal needs for love and intimacy just as many religions tell us to ignore our sexual desires completely until marriage. Now, people actualize an exciting and fulfilling sex life as a need on the same level as food and water. I don't necessarily agree but I am lonely and seek someone who can share my life with me whether or not sexuality is part of the relationship. I claim to be independent and busy myself with career goals that are very ambitious. If I have ambitious goals that I want to focus on, I won't have time to focus on any other part of my life, especially my romantic life. While it may be my own personal insecurities that cause me to want to be with someone, it may also be a basic human need to share one's life with another person and be involved with them romantically. I have good instincts when it comes to romance. I like to think of myself as a great romancer, and by the account of many of the women I've dated, that fact can be affirmed. But sometimes I get a little too carried away. I come off as taking a relationship more seriously than it is in reality, when actually, I just care about that someone a whole lot. to be cont'd.
For some reason, after months of being out of contact with you, I still can't get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. I've gone on dates with other women, I've busied myself with school work, a social life and the beginnings of a career; I've even resorted to praying that God would help me to put you out of my mind. He is, after all, the only one who can change hearts and wills. I want to be the strong independent man that I see myself as, and I want to have the strength I need and just get over you, but so far, it's been a losing battle. What I'm getting to is, I'm still absolutely, illogically against all forms of reason, crazy about you. I think you're perfect in every way just how you are. I think about you and our past interactions every day; all of the witty things you said, your clever observations, your adorable facial expressions, your darling sarcasm. I think about the way you kiss, how oversized the beer mugs from the goat hill looked in your dainty little hands. Your intoxicating giggle makes me melt. I miss the way your hair smells, I miss how involved you get watching the Chargers as if they're your own little brothers. I almost fainted when I heard you play guitar for the first time, I was jealous of how you commanded the piano keys, and it took my breath away when you kissed me for the first time sitting on the bench in seaport village. We clicked. When we were together I felt so comfortable but the experience was so exciting, and I don't think all of the excitement can be attributed to the newness of the relationship. Every day, the words you said that night you ended our relationship ring in my head. How I've gone over them time and time again, analyzing your tone of voice, your inflection, your choice of words. I had even written out and outlined what I wanted to say to you, but those crushing phrases suffocated every last breath of reason from my chest and choked every last hope that stood on its toes in my heart with a pent-up anxiousness. I was sad. Crushed. "Bummed."
I knew you were right.
That was the worst part. I knew that trying to have a long distance relationship would never have worked, it would have eaten me alive, especially in consideration of how much I like(d) you. That first night we went out in San Diego, I was driving back Orange County and I thought to myself, "I can't get involved with this girl." Not only did I realize that I am far too young to have met someone who I'd want to be serious with, but I also knew that it would be so painful and tragic if I fell for you when you live hours away from me. I knew I'd miss you. I knew I'd have an insatiable longing to see you or talk to you all day long, all week long, all month long. I'll continue this later, but every day I'm just reminded of how much I miss YOU. Not the 'idea of you,' I can find any pretty girl to be in a relationship with, there are plenty that come in to starbucks, I can find any intelligent girl, I've already met one that majored in Psych at Biola, I can meet any girl that shares my sense of humor, my friends Alba and Royale do, I can date some other girl that can play and write music, but still, no one could ever compare to you, ARA. You are one of a kind and, if nothing else, it was the best month of my life getting to know you. I'd just love to be around you, even if for some reason you couldn't interact with me, as in some kind of a Christmas Carol type of fantasy. YOU and everything about you, everything that is a part of you, is entrancing to me. I hope with all my heart the stars will figuratively align someday and we can be together. Sooner rather than later would be nice. I've deemed this year my year of risk-taking, therefore I'm thinking about to moving to San Diego this summer and live with my uncle. I'd be 20 minutes away and there will be no hindrances that have to sit on top of 'distance.' I'll let you know I'm there and at that point, the ball would totally be in your court, and who knows, maybe I'll end up spending the whole summer there without ever hearing back from you, but it will have been worth three or four months living in a city where I know no one just for the chance that you might one day reply back and agree to grab a beer and firecracker wings with me. I realize there was more than just distance involved in why you felt we couldn't be together, but I hope you'll be willing to take a chance. That's my prayer. I'm not a needy guy, well, with someone like you I might be a little more needy than usual. Hopefully it will not be considered creepy in any way, I'm just a guy who's crazy about you.