my biggest fear
my mom and i don't talk a lot. i've always envied people who are best friends with their moms, and talk about everything with them. I know she misses me a lot, and she wishes i would stay in touch better. i wish that i stayed in touch better too. but more than that, i wish that we could talk about things more than we do. ive been trying to figure out why i dont feel comfortable talking to her. i think it has to do with the fact that shes constantly criticizing me.
my biggest fear is disappointing my parents.
Ever since i can remember, ive had them in my ear telling me what the best decision was, what my priorities should be, and what they expected from me. I can't thank them enough for that. i wouldn't be where i am today without them supporting me in everything i did, but also telling me when i was about to make a huge mistake. they always want whats best for me.
but what happens when they don't know whats best for me?
This is the result of spending less tiime around each other, me relying less on them, and me beginning to create my own values and beliefs. This is whats happening now. What do you do when you value your relationships with friends more than getting ahead in your career? What about when your goal in life is to enjoy yourself rather than make as much money as you can? Is it bad that im not super passionate about my career path right now? I like it, yes, but is it bad that thats not the most enjoyable thing for me to be doing? I dont think thats necessarily a bad thing, but I would attribute my sometimes lack of motivation towards school to that fact.
I'd rather be playing basketball or spending quality time with friends than i would being an engineer.
my motivation in school began from me being shown that getting good grades is positive and makes you and your family happy. Later, probably sometime in high school, that postive motivation turned negative; i started to think to myself, i have to get A's or else my parents will be mad because they know i can do better. And thats the way its been, ive wanted to do well to try to stay on top of my class, for the competition of it, not cuz i wanted to learn as much as possible, not cuz i had a passion for school, or anything like that. I did well because i feared my dad giving me the talk about how i got B, and that could have been an A. yea dad, i know it could have been an A, but guess what, i want to have a life too.
Part of me is glad I had that fear in high school, because it helped me be successful. My parents always reinforced the notion that academics comes first, over sports, over activities, over everything. and i realized that the reason i had the opportunity to play sports and be on all the teams i was on was because i got good grades. i guess thats how kids have to be motivated.
but im not a kid anymore.
I don't need the pep talks about how its important to study hard. I don't need to hear about how C's are bad. No Shit C's are bad. I know that. The more relevant question is do i care? Do I care that I got a C but i also made a great new friend, helped out someone when they needed it, and enjoyed my life a little for a change? The answer is NO. If i spent the rest of my life helping people, and i never became engineer, I think i'd be ok with that. my parents on the other hand, probably would have to take a while to get used to that.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to be what they want me to be. I'm tired of conforming my goals to ones that are acceptable to them. I'm tired of worrying about what they'll think. I'm tired of being criticized. I'm tired of crying.
Let me do what i want to do without hearing about why you don't like it. If you don't like it, then don't associate with me. I highly doubt you disagree with what im doing so much that you'd do that, so why make me feel guilty? If you care enough about me to worry, then do me a favor and just encourage me. Help me. Don't criticize me. Ask why I feel the way I do, or why Im making the decisions I am.
Why haven't you ever asked me why????
I think you're afraid to find out. Well guess what. If you ever do ask, im gonna be afraid to tell you. but i will anyway.
Maybe ill ask you why. why do you miss me so much? we don't talk that much or spend that much time together when im home either for these same reasons. maybe if i ask that we'll finally get somewhere.
Why am i always the one who asks the hard questions? probablly cuz i hate not knowing the truth.
The truth can certainly be scary...but its our only means of measuring change. and its the only way we can grow. thats my story and im stickin' to it.
After thinking today, ive concluded that my biggest fear isnt disappointing my parebts, but disappointing myself. I have high expectations for myself, and i intend on living life to its fullest. and i'll tell you this. making the most money possible is not on the top of my list of things to do. If your lucky, you just might find out what is on the top.
however, now im really tired, so im gonna go to bed. glad we had this chat. it feels good to get some of this shit off my mind.
my biggest fear is disappointing my parents.
Ever since i can remember, ive had them in my ear telling me what the best decision was, what my priorities should be, and what they expected from me. I can't thank them enough for that. i wouldn't be where i am today without them supporting me in everything i did, but also telling me when i was about to make a huge mistake. they always want whats best for me.
but what happens when they don't know whats best for me?
This is the result of spending less tiime around each other, me relying less on them, and me beginning to create my own values and beliefs. This is whats happening now. What do you do when you value your relationships with friends more than getting ahead in your career? What about when your goal in life is to enjoy yourself rather than make as much money as you can? Is it bad that im not super passionate about my career path right now? I like it, yes, but is it bad that thats not the most enjoyable thing for me to be doing? I dont think thats necessarily a bad thing, but I would attribute my sometimes lack of motivation towards school to that fact.
I'd rather be playing basketball or spending quality time with friends than i would being an engineer.
my motivation in school began from me being shown that getting good grades is positive and makes you and your family happy. Later, probably sometime in high school, that postive motivation turned negative; i started to think to myself, i have to get A's or else my parents will be mad because they know i can do better. And thats the way its been, ive wanted to do well to try to stay on top of my class, for the competition of it, not cuz i wanted to learn as much as possible, not cuz i had a passion for school, or anything like that. I did well because i feared my dad giving me the talk about how i got B, and that could have been an A. yea dad, i know it could have been an A, but guess what, i want to have a life too.
Part of me is glad I had that fear in high school, because it helped me be successful. My parents always reinforced the notion that academics comes first, over sports, over activities, over everything. and i realized that the reason i had the opportunity to play sports and be on all the teams i was on was because i got good grades. i guess thats how kids have to be motivated.
but im not a kid anymore.
I don't need the pep talks about how its important to study hard. I don't need to hear about how C's are bad. No Shit C's are bad. I know that. The more relevant question is do i care? Do I care that I got a C but i also made a great new friend, helped out someone when they needed it, and enjoyed my life a little for a change? The answer is NO. If i spent the rest of my life helping people, and i never became engineer, I think i'd be ok with that. my parents on the other hand, probably would have to take a while to get used to that.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to be what they want me to be. I'm tired of conforming my goals to ones that are acceptable to them. I'm tired of worrying about what they'll think. I'm tired of being criticized. I'm tired of crying.
Let me do what i want to do without hearing about why you don't like it. If you don't like it, then don't associate with me. I highly doubt you disagree with what im doing so much that you'd do that, so why make me feel guilty? If you care enough about me to worry, then do me a favor and just encourage me. Help me. Don't criticize me. Ask why I feel the way I do, or why Im making the decisions I am.
Why haven't you ever asked me why????
I think you're afraid to find out. Well guess what. If you ever do ask, im gonna be afraid to tell you. but i will anyway.
Maybe ill ask you why. why do you miss me so much? we don't talk that much or spend that much time together when im home either for these same reasons. maybe if i ask that we'll finally get somewhere.
Why am i always the one who asks the hard questions? probablly cuz i hate not knowing the truth.
The truth can certainly be scary...but its our only means of measuring change. and its the only way we can grow. thats my story and im stickin' to it.
After thinking today, ive concluded that my biggest fear isnt disappointing my parebts, but disappointing myself. I have high expectations for myself, and i intend on living life to its fullest. and i'll tell you this. making the most money possible is not on the top of my list of things to do. If your lucky, you just might find out what is on the top.
however, now im really tired, so im gonna go to bed. glad we had this chat. it feels good to get some of this shit off my mind.