I hate the end of my trips home....
Everyone wants to see me right before i go home. My dad feels neglected. my sister and i have finally started talking. Im torn between wanting to go back and wanting to just stay here. Mike and I want on emore last date. I need to spend my last night here with my family.... ugh. everytime i come out here the last few days before i leave someone gets disappointed.... and now mike is on the phone and not making me feel any better. whatever. i hate this. i hate it because no one in my family or my boyfriend understands how it is to pick up everything you know and just leave it. Try to start new and then every so often get thrown get thrown back into the life you left. I feel like school, soccer, my friends in ca.... all of it was a dream. that i have only been gone for a weekend and that everything should be just how it was. But its not. and is never going to be. I get comfortable in california and then i get thrown back into my life in arizona. fuck this. you know, when im out there i miss home and when im home i miss out there. its this vicious little circle that i cant seem to get out of. i couldnt make my boyfriend happy. I would hang out with my other friends, who are guys, and we would give me shit. he would tell me "when you were with them you couldve been with me." Not understanding that i DONT get to come home EVERY weekend and see them. that sometimes things just happen. that i love him more than anything but i cant make him my entire life so i hang out with other people and get made feel like crap for it. you know, i want to hang out with my dad, but i dont know how to do that. He gets off work and watches tv all night. im not going to just sit and watch tv with him. and trying to go out and do something requires money which he doesnt like spending. i didnt bring my cleats and gloves so i couldnt go out and practice with him. i dont want to do anything the rest of the trip and just tell everyone to screw off. Then no one can be mad at me because i did something and they wanted me to do something else. you know last night, i was suppose to hang with drew but i didnt because mike was done with his meeting at nine and thats when drew got off work. So when drew called i ignored it. Mike came over after his meeting and left 15 minutes later. Because he went to a birthday party. I didnt say anything to him. first because i didnt want to ruin his party and aslo because he wouldve given me shit for hanging out with a guy. I want to get back to school and find a job and start getting money and set back into my rountine.
Fuck drama. Fuck Chris. Fuck soccer. Fuck Tab. Fuck the soccer girls. Fuck the people who think they know my life.
Welcome to the internal world of me.
oh, ps. Nicole, matt doesnt like you. dont get pissed off because he thinks i look good. grow up.. you think you are so mature. Bullshit. The more you look down on other people is the more it is showing how little you really know in this world. I think you have had your heartbroken by him too many times and need to just leave him out of your life until you can talk to him and not be bitter. My new favorite quote- somethings fal apart just so others can fall together. you and him are a perfect example. you just need to open up and let the things fall together.
with <3 as always,
~!Me!~
Fuck drama. Fuck Chris. Fuck soccer. Fuck Tab. Fuck the soccer girls. Fuck the people who think they know my life.
Welcome to the internal world of me.
oh, ps. Nicole, matt doesnt like you. dont get pissed off because he thinks i look good. grow up.. you think you are so mature. Bullshit. The more you look down on other people is the more it is showing how little you really know in this world. I think you have had your heartbroken by him too many times and need to just leave him out of your life until you can talk to him and not be bitter. My new favorite quote- somethings fal apart just so others can fall together. you and him are a perfect example. you just need to open up and let the things fall together.
with <3 as always,
~!Me!~