How Are Things on the West Coast? I Hear You're Moving Real Fine.
Ten months ago, I made the decision to run away. To flee the scene of all my emotional fuckups, to avoid the confrontations I had determined would pain me. Instead with a blissful numbness and eager sense of adventure I jumped on a plane and escaped, my heart bursting with anticipation and little regret for what I was leaving behind. I was content to believe that those that meant the most to me would understand my need to fly free and would be prepared to accept me when I returned a better, happier, healthier person. Realizing now how self-obsessed this plan truly was, I am thankful that my confidence was restored and my relationships came full circle. My best friends have forgiven my absence and welcomed the reemergence of the self-possessed woman they knew before last year's minuscule spiral into momentary confusion.
Ireland taught me a multitude about people, but more specifically about myself. I am more in tune with my own needs, wants and faults than I have ever been before. Where before I frequently came across as harsh, brash, unyielding and unforgiving; the time I spent in a nation torn apart by its stubbornness and unwillingness to concede gave me the gift of reconciliation. Even on a small, personal scale, being capable of realizing and conquering problems and differences without hatred and vindication has proved to be the greatest lesson learnt over the past few months.
However, the descent to Earlham is proving to not be a gentle drop in elevation. The period when I returned home from the Emerald Isle was tempered by the start of brand new journey. The distractions were plentiful. Of course I felt and still feel the pangs of melancholy and joy when I relive those life-altering moments. I can taste the sea-salt breezes whipping past atop a cliff at Corrymeela. I can feel the sticky, haphazard Guinness puddles left on my favorite pub's wooden paneling by a gaggle of merry drunkards. The tingle of new sensations and warm, worn hands, still radiates through my every limb when glimpses of a lopsided grin and tentative goodnight moments replay in my mind. But I recognize these all to be sweet, unclouded memories of a nearly perfect time in my history. Rather than let them impede on my forward momentum, I have utilized them to my advantage and have been steadily been gaining more and more positive life experiences. Aided and abetted by a group of amazingly capable, beautiful, unique and special women, I have continued to tread a path of awareness and affirmation.
Earlham, though, poses a threat to that balance. No, that is probably not a fair assessment after all. Earlham promises nothing less of being the spectacular place I fell in love with nearly three years ago, but it does harbor an interesting assortment of obstacles. While I have come to the conclusion that I am strong enough to askew these obstacles with a firm hand, this capability does not satiate my anxiety or itch to run again.
But running is what I did last time and it was a purely selfish play. It represented nothing but my own desire to transform myself into something else. I have transformed from the experience, there is no doubt in my mind, but with that transformation came the realization that the person I am is strong. The person I am does not flee. The person I am stands up and fights. The person I am takes risks. The person I am is tenacious. The person I am forgives. The person I am loves. The person I am empathizes. The person I am enjoys the wonderment of children. The person I am has a gleam in her eye. The person I am is the proud owner of an unrivaled collection of storybooks. The person I am learns from their mistakes rather than repeating them.
And most importantly, the person I am becoming includes all these things and more. I have nothing to fear in the world. The world is mine to enjoy.
Ireland taught me a multitude about people, but more specifically about myself. I am more in tune with my own needs, wants and faults than I have ever been before. Where before I frequently came across as harsh, brash, unyielding and unforgiving; the time I spent in a nation torn apart by its stubbornness and unwillingness to concede gave me the gift of reconciliation. Even on a small, personal scale, being capable of realizing and conquering problems and differences without hatred and vindication has proved to be the greatest lesson learnt over the past few months.
However, the descent to Earlham is proving to not be a gentle drop in elevation. The period when I returned home from the Emerald Isle was tempered by the start of brand new journey. The distractions were plentiful. Of course I felt and still feel the pangs of melancholy and joy when I relive those life-altering moments. I can taste the sea-salt breezes whipping past atop a cliff at Corrymeela. I can feel the sticky, haphazard Guinness puddles left on my favorite pub's wooden paneling by a gaggle of merry drunkards. The tingle of new sensations and warm, worn hands, still radiates through my every limb when glimpses of a lopsided grin and tentative goodnight moments replay in my mind. But I recognize these all to be sweet, unclouded memories of a nearly perfect time in my history. Rather than let them impede on my forward momentum, I have utilized them to my advantage and have been steadily been gaining more and more positive life experiences. Aided and abetted by a group of amazingly capable, beautiful, unique and special women, I have continued to tread a path of awareness and affirmation.
Earlham, though, poses a threat to that balance. No, that is probably not a fair assessment after all. Earlham promises nothing less of being the spectacular place I fell in love with nearly three years ago, but it does harbor an interesting assortment of obstacles. While I have come to the conclusion that I am strong enough to askew these obstacles with a firm hand, this capability does not satiate my anxiety or itch to run again.
But running is what I did last time and it was a purely selfish play. It represented nothing but my own desire to transform myself into something else. I have transformed from the experience, there is no doubt in my mind, but with that transformation came the realization that the person I am is strong. The person I am does not flee. The person I am stands up and fights. The person I am takes risks. The person I am is tenacious. The person I am forgives. The person I am loves. The person I am empathizes. The person I am enjoys the wonderment of children. The person I am has a gleam in her eye. The person I am is the proud owner of an unrivaled collection of storybooks. The person I am learns from their mistakes rather than repeating them.
And most importantly, the person I am becoming includes all these things and more. I have nothing to fear in the world. The world is mine to enjoy.