Getting lost (or in other words, finding my way)
Mervyn related his particularly heart-wrenching history to the group over this weekend. Twice, I found myself on the brink of tears, completely exposed in a sterile blank room sitting awkwardly on rigid community centre loveseats. The acute awareness of the emotions filling that contained space were suffocating; it felt closer to drowning than anything I have ever experienced.
And when he said that we did not know how fortunate we are to be on this journey, I did not rise in righteous indignation as I frequently do when someone calls into question my lack of humility. No, with every fiber of my soul, I believed him.
I am enamored. I am grateful. I am learning. I am singing. I am smiling. I am dancing. I am merry. I am grand. I am wonderful. I am happy. I am scared. I am empowered. I am lost. I am found. I am confused. I am intelligent. I am adventurous. I am catholic. I am protestant. I am supportive. I am dubious. I am optimistic. I am crushed.
The range of emotions that comes with this place are endless. Everyday my heart beats with anticipation, my brain wraps itself around something new and my body quivers with the chill of self-doubt (and the gale force winds blowing off the foyle.) To be allowed this self-discovery on a daily basis makes me truly one of the luckiest people in the world.
I glow here. Regardless of the group tensions, the unnecessary gossip, the uncomfortable interactions and the mild ailments that come with long walks in the bitter cold, the experience I am getting and the lessons I am learning transcend any negative aspect of my life for the next three months. There are unbelievable amounts of support behind me and an even stronger force inside propelling me forward.
The world is open to me, and I have every opportunity to make something of it. Lurking around each corner is another part of the ever developing me, and the hunt has already begun.
On a slightly more ridiculous note, Peter keeps texting me. I think that a real, actual date is unavoidable :)