If I know I'm right, why does it still hurt?
So I was joking with some people I know today about younger female siblings and their attractiveness. One guy said that he would never show us pictures of his sister to any of us because he knew we'd stalk her. Everyone else kind of laughed, but I was completely silent. As usual, the ol' "Sean, it's just a joke. Calm down." ensued, but this time, it's really gotten to me. Those of you who went to middle school with me might remember why the mention of me "stalking" a girl really cuts deep, but for those who didn't, here's the story:
So, back in 6th grade, there were these twins I liked. Kendra and Megan Leckie. I liked Kendra a bit more because she seemed the "nerdier" and more reserved type, sort of like me. Well, being the fool I was/am/will be, I tried to get her attention, and for a while, I was being cool about it. You know that stupid shit we all try to get a girl's attention: Sitting near her at lunch, helping her out in class, etc. I thought I was getting somewhere. That is, until I wrote her that fucking letter. That god damn 2 page ramblefest on yellow lined legal paper I borrowed from my dad. I fucking went on and on about how much I liked her, but I didn't know what to do, and I thought she hated me, etc.
Well, that fucked stuff up. She became distant almost immediately. Rumors started flying. People mocked me endlessly for liking her. I became insanely jealous when she started "dating" Shane Seaver (y'know, the one week long relationship oh so typical of those days). I don't even remember what I did after that. I think I tried convincing her that Shane was an ass (he *was* then, at least to me) and go out with someone else, namely me. I began to obsess about her. I think I wrote more notes. Then I gave it up because someone, I don't remember who, clued me in that she was creeped out by me. That scared the hell out of me. What scared me even more was when I found out she did an entire English class journal about being afraid of me and what I was doing. Even worse was that she was in Ms. Schamblain's (sp?) class, a teacher well known for her anti-man opinions expressed daily in class. Well, people, that more or less sealed the deal for me. I think after that, I became poisoned to every one else who knew me. And the worst part is, I didn't realize what I was doing until someone told me. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit. In fact, this probably affected me more than it should have. I really keep my distance from women now. I joke around but instantly feel guilty or wrong while doing so.
I dunno. I feel like I shouldn't even be TALKING to girls for fear I'll pull that kind of shit again. So horribly emo, but it's the truth. I've become crippled because of short-sighted actions I took almost 8 years ago. I really don't know *what* to do about it, but at least I know the cause. This is one of the reasons I sometimes feel I should give up. I know the problem, I know there is a solution, but I can never get to it. No matter how hard I work, no answers ever come.
I'll stop now, because I think that's enough whining.
So, back in 6th grade, there were these twins I liked. Kendra and Megan Leckie. I liked Kendra a bit more because she seemed the "nerdier" and more reserved type, sort of like me. Well, being the fool I was/am/will be, I tried to get her attention, and for a while, I was being cool about it. You know that stupid shit we all try to get a girl's attention: Sitting near her at lunch, helping her out in class, etc. I thought I was getting somewhere. That is, until I wrote her that fucking letter. That god damn 2 page ramblefest on yellow lined legal paper I borrowed from my dad. I fucking went on and on about how much I liked her, but I didn't know what to do, and I thought she hated me, etc.
Well, that fucked stuff up. She became distant almost immediately. Rumors started flying. People mocked me endlessly for liking her. I became insanely jealous when she started "dating" Shane Seaver (y'know, the one week long relationship oh so typical of those days). I don't even remember what I did after that. I think I tried convincing her that Shane was an ass (he *was* then, at least to me) and go out with someone else, namely me. I began to obsess about her. I think I wrote more notes. Then I gave it up because someone, I don't remember who, clued me in that she was creeped out by me. That scared the hell out of me. What scared me even more was when I found out she did an entire English class journal about being afraid of me and what I was doing. Even worse was that she was in Ms. Schamblain's (sp?) class, a teacher well known for her anti-man opinions expressed daily in class. Well, people, that more or less sealed the deal for me. I think after that, I became poisoned to every one else who knew me. And the worst part is, I didn't realize what I was doing until someone told me. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit. In fact, this probably affected me more than it should have. I really keep my distance from women now. I joke around but instantly feel guilty or wrong while doing so.
I dunno. I feel like I shouldn't even be TALKING to girls for fear I'll pull that kind of shit again. So horribly emo, but it's the truth. I've become crippled because of short-sighted actions I took almost 8 years ago. I really don't know *what* to do about it, but at least I know the cause. This is one of the reasons I sometimes feel I should give up. I know the problem, I know there is a solution, but I can never get to it. No matter how hard I work, no answers ever come.
I'll stop now, because I think that's enough whining.