talking to myself in public
it's been two months since i've updated, and there hasn't been a friend update on my friends page since about april (or at least it feels that way), so i've basically concluded that we've given up on LJ. but i have an urge to update and to get things off my chest and out of my system, so behold (and forgive) the impending word vomit.
i'm in a really awkward position right now. my friend situations are expandingly awkward and i'm realizing more and more that i need to be honest with myself and reevaluate my friendships. i think i've been considering some people my friends when we're just not anymore, or at least not to the same degree as we once were. a lot of it is because i haven't been very forthcoming with my news and i haven't been making a huge effort to be a friend, but the big problem is that it's a two way street with most of my friends. it's like neither of us want to put the effort into it anymore... and when two people stop putting effort into something, it pretty much dies.
the big problem is that i either haven't spoken to my friends in months or even years, or i dont like how my friends have changed. i really just need to make some new friends that reflect who i am now, friends that fit this version of myself. i'm just busy and i find it difficult to get people to be my friend. like with cara and shristhi, we fell into it pretty effortlessly. same with the holy child friends. but now those relationships are faded, dullened or expired, and i just have to suck it up and find some new people to hang out with.
i've been feeling this way for a while. but the good news is that i'm not really upset or blaming myself for things any more. the way i see it, everyone grows and matures and changes. and we all go through things differently. and whether its imagined or real, the fact that i haven't graduated college this spring has impacted a lot of my relationships. i dont know if people think i relate to them less since i'm still in undergrad or whatever, but to be honest, i'm pretty much done worrying about that now. because i'm really, really happy at mercy, actually. it's a great college-- great professors, great atmosphere, awesome people, interesting classes, outstanding opportunities. and i've brought people there or mentioned it in conversation, and i get snide little comments about how it's not as good as their college, or "just mercy", or (and this is a direct quote) "everyone who's gone to mercy has fucked up in one way or another". but regardless of what my friends or family might think about mercy (and i'll be the first to admit, it's not harvard or yale, and there are plenty of dumb people there), i love the school, and i feel happier and more fulfilled than i EVER did at washington college or even holy child. it sucks that people around me put down something that has literally turned my life around like mercy college. whatever. i hate that people judge me or think less of me when i say that mercy college is the perfect place for me, but i love the person i am and am becoming. i am more confident than i ever was. i'm improving as an individual, growing up, expanding my ideas and opinions and social circles and influence. and most, if not all, of the positive growth has been at this school. so how bad could it be?
also, my relationship with john is still perfect. yes, i'm bragging. haha. he's perfect for me. i can't wait to graduate and marry him. he understands me, he tells me when i'm being a pain in the ass, he tells me i'm beautiful, he encourages me, guides me, teaches me, listens to me, helps me, holds me, has me forever. what i have with him is better than anything i could have ever dreamed of or hoped for, and that's as true now as it was on day 1. the only setback to the relationship is the distance, and as soon as i graduate that'll be fixed. i seriously can't wait. <3
and ill probably be graduating next summer. i'm not walking, i've already decided... i don't really care about the ceremony, and i just want to get it done. i'll make a big deal about my masters, though, you can be sure of that. haha. hopefully i'll be able to get my degree magna or summa cum laude and get my acceptance into the english honors program. if i can pull up my gpa to a 3.8 i'll get inducted to alpha chi but i dont think it's gonna happen. i'm just going to have to have major level honors and maybe write myself an honors thesis and distinction in my minor. i'm not really worried about it. i just want to make sure i'll be able to work next semester... i thought i'd be good to work on thursdays and fridays, but now i might have to work fridays and saturdays since i'm staying on as editor of the paper and we meet thursday afternoons. and a work schedule like that basically means i'll never see john everrrrrr. unless my coworker crystal will be interested in splitting some days with me, instead of working 8 hour shifts. i really dont want to leave this job, its so great. ugh.
i'll probably update again soon. but it's 340am and i can't think of anything else to say, so that's about it for me tonight. :)
i'm in a really awkward position right now. my friend situations are expandingly awkward and i'm realizing more and more that i need to be honest with myself and reevaluate my friendships. i think i've been considering some people my friends when we're just not anymore, or at least not to the same degree as we once were. a lot of it is because i haven't been very forthcoming with my news and i haven't been making a huge effort to be a friend, but the big problem is that it's a two way street with most of my friends. it's like neither of us want to put the effort into it anymore... and when two people stop putting effort into something, it pretty much dies.
the big problem is that i either haven't spoken to my friends in months or even years, or i dont like how my friends have changed. i really just need to make some new friends that reflect who i am now, friends that fit this version of myself. i'm just busy and i find it difficult to get people to be my friend. like with cara and shristhi, we fell into it pretty effortlessly. same with the holy child friends. but now those relationships are faded, dullened or expired, and i just have to suck it up and find some new people to hang out with.
i've been feeling this way for a while. but the good news is that i'm not really upset or blaming myself for things any more. the way i see it, everyone grows and matures and changes. and we all go through things differently. and whether its imagined or real, the fact that i haven't graduated college this spring has impacted a lot of my relationships. i dont know if people think i relate to them less since i'm still in undergrad or whatever, but to be honest, i'm pretty much done worrying about that now. because i'm really, really happy at mercy, actually. it's a great college-- great professors, great atmosphere, awesome people, interesting classes, outstanding opportunities. and i've brought people there or mentioned it in conversation, and i get snide little comments about how it's not as good as their college, or "just mercy", or (and this is a direct quote) "everyone who's gone to mercy has fucked up in one way or another". but regardless of what my friends or family might think about mercy (and i'll be the first to admit, it's not harvard or yale, and there are plenty of dumb people there), i love the school, and i feel happier and more fulfilled than i EVER did at washington college or even holy child. it sucks that people around me put down something that has literally turned my life around like mercy college. whatever. i hate that people judge me or think less of me when i say that mercy college is the perfect place for me, but i love the person i am and am becoming. i am more confident than i ever was. i'm improving as an individual, growing up, expanding my ideas and opinions and social circles and influence. and most, if not all, of the positive growth has been at this school. so how bad could it be?
also, my relationship with john is still perfect. yes, i'm bragging. haha. he's perfect for me. i can't wait to graduate and marry him. he understands me, he tells me when i'm being a pain in the ass, he tells me i'm beautiful, he encourages me, guides me, teaches me, listens to me, helps me, holds me, has me forever. what i have with him is better than anything i could have ever dreamed of or hoped for, and that's as true now as it was on day 1. the only setback to the relationship is the distance, and as soon as i graduate that'll be fixed. i seriously can't wait. <3
and ill probably be graduating next summer. i'm not walking, i've already decided... i don't really care about the ceremony, and i just want to get it done. i'll make a big deal about my masters, though, you can be sure of that. haha. hopefully i'll be able to get my degree magna or summa cum laude and get my acceptance into the english honors program. if i can pull up my gpa to a 3.8 i'll get inducted to alpha chi but i dont think it's gonna happen. i'm just going to have to have major level honors and maybe write myself an honors thesis and distinction in my minor. i'm not really worried about it. i just want to make sure i'll be able to work next semester... i thought i'd be good to work on thursdays and fridays, but now i might have to work fridays and saturdays since i'm staying on as editor of the paper and we meet thursday afternoons. and a work schedule like that basically means i'll never see john everrrrrr. unless my coworker crystal will be interested in splitting some days with me, instead of working 8 hour shifts. i really dont want to leave this job, its so great. ugh.
i'll probably update again soon. but it's 340am and i can't think of anything else to say, so that's about it for me tonight. :)