i'll take any scraps that you can give
the thing about insomnia is it gives those thoughts you've been keeping at bay because if you dwell on them too long you will literally go insane a chance to break into your head.
maybe i should have just stuck with the sociology major. yeah, it was kind of dull, which is why i fled it for the more exciting pastures of history of science, only to flee to english when it turned out other classes were not nearly as interesting as the intro class. and okay: because it was too hard and i couldn't figure out what was going on or what i was supposed to be learning in either of the classes i enrolled in and i couldn't figure out how to think in the ways they wanted me to think and i couldn't figure out what those ways even were. and because it was a lot of work and i had learned about myself at that point that i was never going to care about classes enough to make it worth it.
but you know, i learned about myself IN HIGH SCHOOL that i can't think about english classes too long without dissolving into hysterical tears, which is something i maybe should have taken into account.
but so, i was thinking just now about the way i always follow up any comments any comments i make in class with "i mean, i don't know," or "sorry, i don't know if that makes sense," or "i mean, i'm not sure." usually i prefaced them that way too. and the last time i didn't do that - the last time i most of the time felt like what i was saying made sense and had a decent chance of being true and at least i believed it was worth considering - was in the two sociology classes i took. and: maybe that's because it was the last semester i was anything resembling mentally stable. but the other classes i took that semester:
-statistics: no opinions involved.
-history of science: i loved the material but i don't even remember anything about discussion sections except how adorably enthusiastic my TF was... i don't recall having a ton to say but who knows
-protest lit: this i did feel pretty comfortable in after literally not saying anything the first two weeks because i was too busy trying not to throw up because i was so scared to be in an english class again. but that class was kind of like if english had a baby with sociology anyway. it was an english class that was directly connected to the real world and actual events and people.
i guess i also felt pretty okay in my southern lit section the next semester, though i eventually failed the class because i had a nervous breakdown and never turned in the final project. but that class also spent a lot of time talking about the real world, and culture outside of just the books we were talking about.
but sociology i felt like i had a handle on. in the methods class that was because that also was not a class where you ever needed to have an opinion on anything. and actually, that was pretty true in theory also. i don't know, i was just remembering my theory class, which i did really well in up to the final paper, and the fact that my TF for that class really liked me. like, effusive praise style of liking me. when i started having a nervous breakdown and needed an extension on the final paper, he sent me an email saying this: "You clearly have had a good grasp on the material and have at times shown a sophistication in your thought that makes you stand out as a student. You’ve definitely made teaching this course a lot more fun for me." like, what a sweetie! (he also just generally ruled). and i mean, i was good at that class. i don't want to say i got all of it because social theory makes my head hurt. but i felt pretty secure.
basically i just should have majored in anything but a humanities major. and if i was going to major in english, i definitely shouldn't have been stupid enough to take any more classes that were heavy on 20th century texts after the 20th century american novel class i took in the spring. which to be fair, i also hated because i thought the professor was completely full of shit, and had kind of terrible taste in literature besides. i recently had a conversation with someone else who thought the professor was full of shit and it was the best thing ever because... well because I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE OPINIONS ON CERTAIN THINGS UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE VALIDATES THEM FOR ME. certain things... mostly being literature, i guess, WHY DID I THINK MAJORING IN ENGLISH WOULD BE AN OKAY IDEA HOW AM I SO STUPID. which is maddening, and every now and then i have this flash like - "dude, this is actually a very fucked up aspect of your personality." but it's also one i don't see ever going away.
i'm just so sick of feeling stupid and i don't see it going away anytime soon. i mean it hasn't gone away in the past 8 years, why stop now! i feel like maybe it'll always be with me, if only in the very far reaches of my head that only surface at 3 a.m. i don't really have anything to say which was always the problem, when i had a problem, is i don't understand how people can think of things to say on command. it's just not a thing i'm capable of. either i have a thing to say or i don't and if i don't, i'm just fucked.
bleghhhh whatever i'm going to go knit some more because knitting is a thing i can actually do.
maybe i should have just stuck with the sociology major. yeah, it was kind of dull, which is why i fled it for the more exciting pastures of history of science, only to flee to english when it turned out other classes were not nearly as interesting as the intro class. and okay: because it was too hard and i couldn't figure out what was going on or what i was supposed to be learning in either of the classes i enrolled in and i couldn't figure out how to think in the ways they wanted me to think and i couldn't figure out what those ways even were. and because it was a lot of work and i had learned about myself at that point that i was never going to care about classes enough to make it worth it.
but you know, i learned about myself IN HIGH SCHOOL that i can't think about english classes too long without dissolving into hysterical tears, which is something i maybe should have taken into account.
but so, i was thinking just now about the way i always follow up any comments any comments i make in class with "i mean, i don't know," or "sorry, i don't know if that makes sense," or "i mean, i'm not sure." usually i prefaced them that way too. and the last time i didn't do that - the last time i most of the time felt like what i was saying made sense and had a decent chance of being true and at least i believed it was worth considering - was in the two sociology classes i took. and: maybe that's because it was the last semester i was anything resembling mentally stable. but the other classes i took that semester:
-statistics: no opinions involved.
-history of science: i loved the material but i don't even remember anything about discussion sections except how adorably enthusiastic my TF was... i don't recall having a ton to say but who knows
-protest lit: this i did feel pretty comfortable in after literally not saying anything the first two weeks because i was too busy trying not to throw up because i was so scared to be in an english class again. but that class was kind of like if english had a baby with sociology anyway. it was an english class that was directly connected to the real world and actual events and people.
i guess i also felt pretty okay in my southern lit section the next semester, though i eventually failed the class because i had a nervous breakdown and never turned in the final project. but that class also spent a lot of time talking about the real world, and culture outside of just the books we were talking about.
but sociology i felt like i had a handle on. in the methods class that was because that also was not a class where you ever needed to have an opinion on anything. and actually, that was pretty true in theory also. i don't know, i was just remembering my theory class, which i did really well in up to the final paper, and the fact that my TF for that class really liked me. like, effusive praise style of liking me. when i started having a nervous breakdown and needed an extension on the final paper, he sent me an email saying this: "You clearly have had a good grasp on the material and have at times shown a sophistication in your thought that makes you stand out as a student. You’ve definitely made teaching this course a lot more fun for me." like, what a sweetie! (he also just generally ruled). and i mean, i was good at that class. i don't want to say i got all of it because social theory makes my head hurt. but i felt pretty secure.
basically i just should have majored in anything but a humanities major. and if i was going to major in english, i definitely shouldn't have been stupid enough to take any more classes that were heavy on 20th century texts after the 20th century american novel class i took in the spring. which to be fair, i also hated because i thought the professor was completely full of shit, and had kind of terrible taste in literature besides. i recently had a conversation with someone else who thought the professor was full of shit and it was the best thing ever because... well because I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE OPINIONS ON CERTAIN THINGS UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE VALIDATES THEM FOR ME. certain things... mostly being literature, i guess, WHY DID I THINK MAJORING IN ENGLISH WOULD BE AN OKAY IDEA HOW AM I SO STUPID. which is maddening, and every now and then i have this flash like - "dude, this is actually a very fucked up aspect of your personality." but it's also one i don't see ever going away.
i'm just so sick of feeling stupid and i don't see it going away anytime soon. i mean it hasn't gone away in the past 8 years, why stop now! i feel like maybe it'll always be with me, if only in the very far reaches of my head that only surface at 3 a.m. i don't really have anything to say which was always the problem, when i had a problem, is i don't understand how people can think of things to say on command. it's just not a thing i'm capable of. either i have a thing to say or i don't and if i don't, i'm just fucked.
bleghhhh whatever i'm going to go knit some more because knitting is a thing i can actually do.