oh seriously, you're going to make mistakes, you're young
so apparently i can't do show week and be a functional student at the same time, as evidenced by my currently late paper and my lack of clean clothes and the fact that i didn't go to either of my classes today because I was in the theater until 3:50 putting contact paper on the stage. this upsets me maybe more than it should. okay. i'm letting it go now.
wait not yet. i really wanted to go to both of those classes. one i have a midterm in on thursday (but the lecture videos are put online so hopefully that will happen before thursday). the other one is my favorite class. as in i actually care about it. and we're reading the great gatsby this week.
alright. letting go for real now.
but there's one other thing - on sunday night victoria suggested i direct a scene for the opera scenes concert in the spring (i produced last spring & am producing this fall). i had brought this up with her because a mutual friend of ours had suggested it at dinner and i had wondered if she had told him to tell me this. which was admittedly overly suspicious on my part. but my reaction, after we parted ways for the evening, to the suggestion that i would ever be able to direct anything was just to break down and cry and spend the next day feeling shitty until i got to work (working with six-year-olds is so magical for my mood).
i mean what is that? my reaction to people saying nice things about me is to cry hysterically and feel awful? i don't know. i don't like it when people are really strongly convinced i have capabilities that i have never exhibited - and i mean i really legitimately can't think of why anyone i know would ever think i should direct anything, much less opera which i don't even know anything about or particularly care for (oops). if i ever did want to direct, it'd be straight theater because i'll be honest: i would get too frustrated working with opera singers who often just don't know really basic stage-presentation things or anything at all about acting. and anyway acting is a pretty huge part of what i love about watching theater. but i wouldn't direct that either because i don't get interesting ideas like people who direct do. i just don't relate to pieces (and especially not snippets of operas) this way. and it weirdly upsets me that people (and there have been at least like five people to make this suggestion, generally independently of each other) would think that i could.
i think maybe because i suspect what's happening is a process like "i like creative people - i like you - therefore you are probably a creative person." which upsets me to think about happening because it upsets me sometimes, still, that i'm not a creative person even though that's really fucking dumb because, who really gives a fuck? i mean not to say creativity doesn't matter in the world, it does, but having it doesn't make people like inherently superior any more than having a talent for science or being good with kids does. the only things i think are even close to universally important are kindness, i guess, and maybe open-mindedness to a certain degree. so why does this bother me and why do i care at all even?
i think after the next opera i'm stage managing (yes i am stage managing two full operas in one year, GOD I AM A CRAZY PERSON) i may be done with opera at harvard. it's given me a lot of fun/learning experiences but i think i might want to try other things. like sleeping. or exploring boston. or sleep, that sounds pretty terrific right about now.
okay so, good news time. my job is good. & i think i have been permanently moved to the kinder & 1st group which is nice because it's more hands on, also the children are so adorable holy jesus. also my new laptop arrived! i am naming it tina (after tina majorino, who played mac on veronica mars) & its presence makes me happier really than it ought.
wait not yet. i really wanted to go to both of those classes. one i have a midterm in on thursday (but the lecture videos are put online so hopefully that will happen before thursday). the other one is my favorite class. as in i actually care about it. and we're reading the great gatsby this week.
alright. letting go for real now.
but there's one other thing - on sunday night victoria suggested i direct a scene for the opera scenes concert in the spring (i produced last spring & am producing this fall). i had brought this up with her because a mutual friend of ours had suggested it at dinner and i had wondered if she had told him to tell me this. which was admittedly overly suspicious on my part. but my reaction, after we parted ways for the evening, to the suggestion that i would ever be able to direct anything was just to break down and cry and spend the next day feeling shitty until i got to work (working with six-year-olds is so magical for my mood).
i mean what is that? my reaction to people saying nice things about me is to cry hysterically and feel awful? i don't know. i don't like it when people are really strongly convinced i have capabilities that i have never exhibited - and i mean i really legitimately can't think of why anyone i know would ever think i should direct anything, much less opera which i don't even know anything about or particularly care for (oops). if i ever did want to direct, it'd be straight theater because i'll be honest: i would get too frustrated working with opera singers who often just don't know really basic stage-presentation things or anything at all about acting. and anyway acting is a pretty huge part of what i love about watching theater. but i wouldn't direct that either because i don't get interesting ideas like people who direct do. i just don't relate to pieces (and especially not snippets of operas) this way. and it weirdly upsets me that people (and there have been at least like five people to make this suggestion, generally independently of each other) would think that i could.
i think maybe because i suspect what's happening is a process like "i like creative people - i like you - therefore you are probably a creative person." which upsets me to think about happening because it upsets me sometimes, still, that i'm not a creative person even though that's really fucking dumb because, who really gives a fuck? i mean not to say creativity doesn't matter in the world, it does, but having it doesn't make people like inherently superior any more than having a talent for science or being good with kids does. the only things i think are even close to universally important are kindness, i guess, and maybe open-mindedness to a certain degree. so why does this bother me and why do i care at all even?
i think after the next opera i'm stage managing (yes i am stage managing two full operas in one year, GOD I AM A CRAZY PERSON) i may be done with opera at harvard. it's given me a lot of fun/learning experiences but i think i might want to try other things. like sleeping. or exploring boston. or sleep, that sounds pretty terrific right about now.
okay so, good news time. my job is good. & i think i have been permanently moved to the kinder & 1st group which is nice because it's more hands on, also the children are so adorable holy jesus. also my new laptop arrived! i am naming it tina (after tina majorino, who played mac on veronica mars) & its presence makes me happier really than it ought.