gimme sympathy after all of this is gone
the original title of my kradambigbang fic was "gimme sympathy" which is funny to me now because OH WOW, DOES THAT LINE I QUOTED IN THE TITLE OF THIS ENTRY EVER DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS ON THIS FIC NOW.
i think i've realized a fair amount of my doubts about this story - aside from how much trouble i'm having with the prose, which i'm just setting aside with a strict "no editing this draft till it's done" rule via the magic of compartmentalization - stem from the fact that actually, in a weird way, it is - or will wind up being - the thing i like best that i've written so far. maybe - probably - not the thing i'm proudest of (that would probably still be ask her if the fire hurts aka the katy fic) - but the thing i like best in that it's by far closest to being one of the kinds of stories i love to read both in fic and in published fiction.
like, i don't know if "people fall in love in NYC" is a genre, but i feel like i have a couple of those stories i like, and i have like 11k of an original YA novel (lol omg it feels so pretentious saying that but that's what it is in my head, i've fantasized for years about actually um finishing it but i can't figure out how i want it to go) that is basically that, and nick & norah's infinite playlist is legitimately one of my favorite books of all time, and it's exactly about that, so: it's a thing i like, and basically a thing this is, people falling in love in NYC with an undercurrent of complicated feelings.
which: good, right? except that i feel like i'm second-guessing myself more because of that, because it feels more like i'm writing to cater to my own weird quirky tastes, which feels self-indulgent. except, who cares, because this is fanfiction omg self-indulgent is in the definition.
it's not exactly a slow burn type story, because they're together from the get-go, but there are just a lot of scenes from their relationship, some of which feel "necessary" but i can't really justify beyond "i like this scene a lot." but i mean... sometimes in stories i like to read scenes like that, that are just us getting more of an impression of characters even if it doesn't show us anything explicitly new. and in this fic i feel like, since the whole idea of it is this relationship being life-changing for kris, i really need it to come alive. there are ways to do that in a more summary-style way (like this incredible remus/sirius story) but... this isn't that story. heh.
so: there are a lot of scenes. there is also a ton of dialogue, because... because, especially in what is basically a romance, i like dialogue, man. i like dialogue that (hopefully) shows chemistry, i like dialogue with lots of short lines (but i always get self-conscious about seeing it take so much scrolling, even though it's hardly any words) and dialogue with one person doing all the talking because the other person is just listening (even though i get self-conscious about seeing blocks of text). i like and maybe can't justify beyond that dialogue that isn't exactly necessary but is fun.
so: this fic is a bunch of things i ♥. excessively drawn-out depiction of people falling in love just so we can see it happening as it passes, check. dialogue that serves little purpose besides fun and cuteness, check. scenes that are well into ficlet-length, check. using NYC practically like a character, check. a plot that is actually not a plot at all, that is just a character having feelings all over the place, check. me PROJECTING ALL OVER THE PLACE, like this keeps happening accidentally and then i'll be like, "uh oh hai me in the head of a fictional version of this dude, how's things," and i want to think it's in-character enough not to feel OOC? but also, it is me projecting. which i like, because i am narcissistic. and because of this i am torn between being like "yay me doing everything i love" and being like "except no one will want to read this ever except me because it is going to end up massive and by the time anyone gets like a fourth through they'll be like 'weird this feels like it was written with one person in the whole world in mind and that person sure ain't me.'"
and... i am leaning, now that i've put my finger on this, towards not caring? because fic is self-indulgent by its nature? and because omg since when do i care if people read this, i spent 5 months writing about katy motherfucking allen fully expecting maybe like 5 people to read it ever but being all dammit i wanna write this story and make it how it's supposed to be in my head, so like... obvs, not a concern of mine! i think maybe because it's for a fest i'm getting weirded out, like all these people are doing such cool interesting plots with like action happening and mine is gonna seem super boring in comparison. but... oh whatever maybe i should just make my peace with that. and also once again because fanfiction.
in conclusion: i whine more than i actually write. lol.
i think i've realized a fair amount of my doubts about this story - aside from how much trouble i'm having with the prose, which i'm just setting aside with a strict "no editing this draft till it's done" rule via the magic of compartmentalization - stem from the fact that actually, in a weird way, it is - or will wind up being - the thing i like best that i've written so far. maybe - probably - not the thing i'm proudest of (that would probably still be ask her if the fire hurts aka the katy fic) - but the thing i like best in that it's by far closest to being one of the kinds of stories i love to read both in fic and in published fiction.
like, i don't know if "people fall in love in NYC" is a genre, but i feel like i have a couple of those stories i like, and i have like 11k of an original YA novel (lol omg it feels so pretentious saying that but that's what it is in my head, i've fantasized for years about actually um finishing it but i can't figure out how i want it to go) that is basically that, and nick & norah's infinite playlist is legitimately one of my favorite books of all time, and it's exactly about that, so: it's a thing i like, and basically a thing this is, people falling in love in NYC with an undercurrent of complicated feelings.
which: good, right? except that i feel like i'm second-guessing myself more because of that, because it feels more like i'm writing to cater to my own weird quirky tastes, which feels self-indulgent. except, who cares, because this is fanfiction omg self-indulgent is in the definition.
it's not exactly a slow burn type story, because they're together from the get-go, but there are just a lot of scenes from their relationship, some of which feel "necessary" but i can't really justify beyond "i like this scene a lot." but i mean... sometimes in stories i like to read scenes like that, that are just us getting more of an impression of characters even if it doesn't show us anything explicitly new. and in this fic i feel like, since the whole idea of it is this relationship being life-changing for kris, i really need it to come alive. there are ways to do that in a more summary-style way (like this incredible remus/sirius story) but... this isn't that story. heh.
so: there are a lot of scenes. there is also a ton of dialogue, because... because, especially in what is basically a romance, i like dialogue, man. i like dialogue that (hopefully) shows chemistry, i like dialogue with lots of short lines (but i always get self-conscious about seeing it take so much scrolling, even though it's hardly any words) and dialogue with one person doing all the talking because the other person is just listening (even though i get self-conscious about seeing blocks of text). i like and maybe can't justify beyond that dialogue that isn't exactly necessary but is fun.
so: this fic is a bunch of things i ♥. excessively drawn-out depiction of people falling in love just so we can see it happening as it passes, check. dialogue that serves little purpose besides fun and cuteness, check. scenes that are well into ficlet-length, check. using NYC practically like a character, check. a plot that is actually not a plot at all, that is just a character having feelings all over the place, check. me PROJECTING ALL OVER THE PLACE, like this keeps happening accidentally and then i'll be like, "uh oh hai me in the head of a fictional version of this dude, how's things," and i want to think it's in-character enough not to feel OOC? but also, it is me projecting. which i like, because i am narcissistic. and because of this i am torn between being like "yay me doing everything i love" and being like "except no one will want to read this ever except me because it is going to end up massive and by the time anyone gets like a fourth through they'll be like 'weird this feels like it was written with one person in the whole world in mind and that person sure ain't me.'"
and... i am leaning, now that i've put my finger on this, towards not caring? because fic is self-indulgent by its nature? and because omg since when do i care if people read this, i spent 5 months writing about katy motherfucking allen fully expecting maybe like 5 people to read it ever but being all dammit i wanna write this story and make it how it's supposed to be in my head, so like... obvs, not a concern of mine! i think maybe because it's for a fest i'm getting weirded out, like all these people are doing such cool interesting plots with like action happening and mine is gonna seem super boring in comparison. but... oh whatever maybe i should just make my peace with that. and also once again because fanfiction.
in conclusion: i whine more than i actually write. lol.