(no subject)
Charlie died tonight.. I'm starting to come up with ways how it was my fault... But what i'm trying to understand; is that while his death may have been my fault, he went in a good way.. My mom and I held him until he passed.. It's so sad to start thinking back on his life. It's sad because I know everything isnt permanant.. everything eventually dies and fades away.. I'll really miss him. Usually he's hiding and sleeping somewhere, so his dissappearance will just seem like he's under the bed huddled in some clothes when in reality.. he's not. I think the worst part is looking at him and not seeing his stomach softly moving up and down.. And that I put him in a box outside. Which now it's raining.. and in my head i'm second guessing his death and he could just be cold and wet in the rain.. I hate this. I want him back :[ I'm glad we got Chi chi. I think everything happens for a purpose and every move we make will eventually effect the future. Zoe got lost for a reason.. We bought Chi Chi to help Charles cope, but really we bought her so Zoe can cope with Charles being gone.. But the way he left this world was amazing.. I got to be with him and hopefully being there comforted him a little bit. I told him I loved him, and how I was going to miss him.. and then he eventually left us.. I'll miss him and burying him will be so hard.. Which we're going to tomorrow night after work..
I called shelby.. saying in my own way that I needed some one to talk to. .And she did nothing. She hasn't talked to me unless you count the "what do you want to eat at my party" question..She said shes sorry about charles. But thats what she always says. Thats seriously her response every single time anything vaguely catastrophic or bad happens to me and I tell her.. What does she say? I'm sorry. Thats it. I'm done. I don't want friends anymore. Am I wrong to wish I had a friend that went all out? I think its a bit pathetic how sad I am over Charles, but a good friend would realize that and want to be around to help me through this.. Even Tina took the time to say something that meant more to me and I never talk to the broad. I don't know.. I feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't know what to do about it..
Okay, theres my update.. bye.