Random thoughts
All I see are browns and golds; yellow pools of light streaming down through tiny dewdrops of transcendence poised mid-air. Standing in the cold depths of Sydney rain is a wonder in of itself. You can marvel the coarseness of the roads, paved in white lines to guide those in misdirection. Bulbs of white light, line upon line, make up the lower half of this busy city. The architecture of stone and wood, of doors and panes and tin roofs reels me back to old times.
Nearby cars trail by and their motors rumble through the darkness, in and out of my view. It's night. And oh the smell. You know that strange scent of rain off gravel? I greets my nose with a wave of gritty streets, past presence and fills me up wholly. I'm reminded back to my school days, but push on. Not even the views of the Sydney Harbor Bridge and Sydney Opera House reeling into my view all of a sudden can deter me from my quest.
And it's here I feel alive. Throwing away all caution to the wind, I run down through cold bitter wind, past the stragglers and the homeless skipping over sketchy pavements, greyish-charcoal rocks and through alleyways daring to be explored. I stand, listen and wait for a “sign”. Nothing. I move to the waters' edge, and the salty smell of the sea hits me hard. I breathe it in, suck in the smells of this other more natural world and close my eyes, a smile gently crawling onto my face.
Down here, down under in a world thats oft forgotten and more than never categorised by its animals, I feel like my true self. I can run around the streets and curbways, free to be myself, despite the cold bitter chills up my spine. Damn this rain. But then again, it's the one constant in life that, when it hits me, I literally feel alive. Ad my hair begins to cling to my face, I understand now. It hits me, it hurts, it makes me feel alive.
And then reality kicks in. The deadlines, obligations and responsibilities, some social, others not so.
That was me tonight, and for just a moment, I was in bliss.
Since my previous post I've been doing a lot of thinking. Of whether I should bother pursuing relationships or wait for them to come my way. But now, I begin to understand love life and the pursuit of happiness is not something that can be won. The biggest muscles will never conceal the tiniest brain, just as the booksmarts can never hide self-placed limitations.
Perhaps this is my maturation, my time to emerge as a butterfly. I'm beginning to get over the sorrow and the pain at failure and take in what's there for what it is.
I have failed, I'll admit it. I can't pickup a girl, I'm not that kind of confident. I'm a spontatneous guy, but I like my little square box at times. But I'm not going to give in any more to what I perceive to be right - ie that picking up girls is "easy", tokenising the whole art of lovers as a vending machine.
I only wish I knew where I could look to find someone who I can just talk to and be with. My twin's great - we can talk about anything when the situation calls for it. But, I don't know - I need that other in my life, and I don't want to wait around for it but at the same time I don't want to bow to preconceptions.
Gah I'm getting way too bogged down. But what are we but mortals when it comes to it all. For all the emotion and feeling andexperience it goes to show we are only truly human, and for that I can be happy.
Thanks Meg and Vixx, appreciate your messages. It's good to know someone's listening :)
If you do read this, I ask you learn from my mistakes of not trying hard enough, and ask yourself this question:
Do you love yourself enough, first, to be able to find someone else who loves you more?