why do I do the things I do???
Life is weird. I like it though...usually. Last night, got in a pseudo-fight with Jordan... I take total blame/responsibility for it. Even when we are just joking around, I told him that it would be cool to get into a fight...ok, I know that makes no sense, but I feel like I get to know a person better when I fight with them, and work through it, because I feel like he walks on egg shells around me, afraid to make me angry. That's cool that he doesn't want me mad at him...because if he did want me mad at him it'd be weird, but I don't want him stressing about making me angry. I want him to be real and himself with me. So that was my motivation for saying that...but then I kind of said something to the affect that he gets stressed out too much, and he lets little things bother him, and he runs away from his problems...and it's not that I said those things, because he knows that they are true, but it's the fact that I was telling him he shouldn't be that way. Yeah, I know, I know--totally not my place, and I'm a jerk. I know that. I just don't want him stressed out all the time. I want him to be happy. I guess I should mind my own business though. I need to stop trying to make the world follow what works for me, because people are different...and that doesn't make it wrong. I know.
But after that we both apologized, even though I was the one who was wrong. I need to not hurt him anymore. I need to grow a heart I guess. But then we just decided to not fight. That's what we do. It works well.
I think I was just in one of those 'moods' last night. Cuz I'm not usually like that. I really was in the mood to argue though. I am a sick twisted bastard sometimes.
I think he's too nice and sweet for me. I know that I don't deserve someone who's as caring and wonderful as him. I just hope I don't try to sabotage it subconciously, cuz that's totally something that I would do.
Bummer.
My emotions (even though I claim not to have any) are fluctuating like crazy. Like, everything in my life is perfect, and I am generally happy...but in a lot of ways I feel like what I'm doing now isn't doing much to prepare me for my future. I know it's too soon to tell, but even though I think Jordan and I will be together for awhile, I don't think it'll lead to marriage. I know...I don't mean to scare anyone with that word. Frick, I mean I'm 20, right? Even though some people are married by this time, we all know that I'm not destined to be married anytime soon...but still I think about it. Doesn't everyone think about the future of their relationship(s)? Like, in a lot of ways I am definitely happier with Jordan than I have been with anyone else, but there are some things that make us so not compatible...like the way we view the world. I don't mind conflict, and sometimes I seek it out, just to get things figured out...where as he runs away from it. Our first fight will be me seeking him out to talk things out, I'll say things that upset him, and he'll run away never to be seen by me again. Bummer.
I don't let things bother me. He gets stressed.
He's a Republican. (eek)
He's super sweet, and I can be a total jerk.
I like to read. He likes to play video games. (ok, I like to play video games too...)
He likes baseball...I like hockey:) Ok, n/m...anyway. I can see us being together for awhile...but I don't see us getting married. Yeah, I know I said that. I need to stop thinking about this. I'm dumb. Ok.
Off to study for a possible philosophy quiz. Whee!!
But after that we both apologized, even though I was the one who was wrong. I need to not hurt him anymore. I need to grow a heart I guess. But then we just decided to not fight. That's what we do. It works well.
I think I was just in one of those 'moods' last night. Cuz I'm not usually like that. I really was in the mood to argue though. I am a sick twisted bastard sometimes.
I think he's too nice and sweet for me. I know that I don't deserve someone who's as caring and wonderful as him. I just hope I don't try to sabotage it subconciously, cuz that's totally something that I would do.
Bummer.
My emotions (even though I claim not to have any) are fluctuating like crazy. Like, everything in my life is perfect, and I am generally happy...but in a lot of ways I feel like what I'm doing now isn't doing much to prepare me for my future. I know it's too soon to tell, but even though I think Jordan and I will be together for awhile, I don't think it'll lead to marriage. I know...I don't mean to scare anyone with that word. Frick, I mean I'm 20, right? Even though some people are married by this time, we all know that I'm not destined to be married anytime soon...but still I think about it. Doesn't everyone think about the future of their relationship(s)? Like, in a lot of ways I am definitely happier with Jordan than I have been with anyone else, but there are some things that make us so not compatible...like the way we view the world. I don't mind conflict, and sometimes I seek it out, just to get things figured out...where as he runs away from it. Our first fight will be me seeking him out to talk things out, I'll say things that upset him, and he'll run away never to be seen by me again. Bummer.
I don't let things bother me. He gets stressed.
He's a Republican. (eek)
He's super sweet, and I can be a total jerk.
I like to read. He likes to play video games. (ok, I like to play video games too...)
He likes baseball...I like hockey:) Ok, n/m...anyway. I can see us being together for awhile...but I don't see us getting married. Yeah, I know I said that. I need to stop thinking about this. I'm dumb. Ok.
Off to study for a possible philosophy quiz. Whee!!