crazy bitch!
i had a freaky dream last night. Hurricane kate was a zombie and she pulled her heart out of her chest and went around hitting people on the forehead with it. Whoever she hit got slain in the spirit and a bunch of compassionate black ladies who were screaming hallelujah would catch them. then i was an escort, but the johns were all my friends in men's bodies, including hurricane kate. it was ... intense. like camping.
bloody sex dreams usually mean that i'm going to bleed. that will be nice.
i came to a realization last night. I don't recognize people being possessive cuz nobody's ever been possessive of me before. It's a thing me and pj are working on. I miss her an awful lot right now. i'm moping around the house, holding myself totally accountable for this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and trying to talk myself down from eating everything in the kitchen.
later, jen and i are going to the harold washington library. i'm bringing money and making copies. My friend katy is making a zine and my friends at DePall (hah, funny.) are making a zine and jake is making a zine and i don't want to have anything to do with them, but there's an undeniable gritty, sexy look to the sight of xeroxed things. who am i to refuse?
I liked hurricane kate a lot. I liked that she was kind of my friend and not pjs. I liked that she was independent (sort of... we come to discover new things later, but hindsight is always 20/15) i liked kind of what she stood for, in my head, as a temporary outlet of a severely intimate relationship.
There's nothing wrong with my relationship. At all. In fact, it's pretty much amazing, but it's very very intimate. And liking someone else for a hot minute takes the glare of that spotlight off me. I have a very secure faith in it lasting for a long time, but the intensity tends to wear me down really quickly. some days i just want my own goddamn burrito. But 9 out of 10, i don't mind sharing, in fact i like it. All this intimacy breeds an inescapable kind of honesty. It's like checks and balances system i set in place to keep myself from becoming mentally corrupt, which was well on it's way to happening. In some ways it still is.
all said, i still sort of like the idea that hurricane kate stands for, but i think it's one of those lonely trips i'm going to have to take by myself. I'm absolutely shattered by the idea that i don't get to like anyone ever again. I am of course, very over emotional at this particular time of day, but it breaks my heart. I am only 22. that's awfully soon to be off the market.
I don't really want to do the gee eff relationship with anyone else but if i never get to have a crush again, i'll die. True story. I'll shrivel up into a tiny ball and internally combust.
but how does that fit with my intense desire to spend the rest of my life being faithful to what's her bucket, the love of my life?
it was going to work like this, we're gonna be together forever (maybe) but we know that in that (long) time we're gonna get crushed out on other people. to have those crushes, okay. To act on them together, fine. To act on them separately, not so cool. (very bad.) Where does this leave me?
With hurricane kate, in a bad spot. While it's okay to have that crush, it's not okay to have that crush on a crazy storm cloud that is tearing through your city/friends. I wanna know what is going on in your head! i want to know if you're oblivious to what you're doing, or if you know. But i'm not allowed to find out. which is fine, but there is this big insincere black hole of awkward when we all are in the same place at the same time. i know your insincere voice and i know my sense of discomfort and my girlfriend's injured and angry face and i know that i am sick of all of this. something is sitting incredibly not right with me.
i'm going to abstain from communication as much as i can, because if i don't, in five weeks, pj will move to new york with out me. how do you like them apples?
on my way to the library!
bloody sex dreams usually mean that i'm going to bleed. that will be nice.
i came to a realization last night. I don't recognize people being possessive cuz nobody's ever been possessive of me before. It's a thing me and pj are working on. I miss her an awful lot right now. i'm moping around the house, holding myself totally accountable for this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and trying to talk myself down from eating everything in the kitchen.
later, jen and i are going to the harold washington library. i'm bringing money and making copies. My friend katy is making a zine and my friends at DePall (hah, funny.) are making a zine and jake is making a zine and i don't want to have anything to do with them, but there's an undeniable gritty, sexy look to the sight of xeroxed things. who am i to refuse?
I liked hurricane kate a lot. I liked that she was kind of my friend and not pjs. I liked that she was independent (sort of... we come to discover new things later, but hindsight is always 20/15) i liked kind of what she stood for, in my head, as a temporary outlet of a severely intimate relationship.
There's nothing wrong with my relationship. At all. In fact, it's pretty much amazing, but it's very very intimate. And liking someone else for a hot minute takes the glare of that spotlight off me. I have a very secure faith in it lasting for a long time, but the intensity tends to wear me down really quickly. some days i just want my own goddamn burrito. But 9 out of 10, i don't mind sharing, in fact i like it. All this intimacy breeds an inescapable kind of honesty. It's like checks and balances system i set in place to keep myself from becoming mentally corrupt, which was well on it's way to happening. In some ways it still is.
all said, i still sort of like the idea that hurricane kate stands for, but i think it's one of those lonely trips i'm going to have to take by myself. I'm absolutely shattered by the idea that i don't get to like anyone ever again. I am of course, very over emotional at this particular time of day, but it breaks my heart. I am only 22. that's awfully soon to be off the market.
I don't really want to do the gee eff relationship with anyone else but if i never get to have a crush again, i'll die. True story. I'll shrivel up into a tiny ball and internally combust.
but how does that fit with my intense desire to spend the rest of my life being faithful to what's her bucket, the love of my life?
it was going to work like this, we're gonna be together forever (maybe) but we know that in that (long) time we're gonna get crushed out on other people. to have those crushes, okay. To act on them together, fine. To act on them separately, not so cool. (very bad.) Where does this leave me?
With hurricane kate, in a bad spot. While it's okay to have that crush, it's not okay to have that crush on a crazy storm cloud that is tearing through your city/friends. I wanna know what is going on in your head! i want to know if you're oblivious to what you're doing, or if you know. But i'm not allowed to find out. which is fine, but there is this big insincere black hole of awkward when we all are in the same place at the same time. i know your insincere voice and i know my sense of discomfort and my girlfriend's injured and angry face and i know that i am sick of all of this. something is sitting incredibly not right with me.
i'm going to abstain from communication as much as i can, because if i don't, in five weeks, pj will move to new york with out me. how do you like them apples?
on my way to the library!