(no subject)
Sometimes when you start to feel good about something, things happen and bring you back down.
My parents have a bid on a house in the marina already. Yep, I'm not even gone and they're having/going to open houses and looking to move. At Thanksgiving, I may be staying in the guest room of a house I've never seen before.
My mom told me a while ago that they were going to wait a year or two to sell the house, so that I could settle into college and such. Now it feels like they're rushing into it as fast as they can and they don't even care whether or not I mind. I've never lived in another house and when I go off to college and am surrounded by unfamiliar things, I feel like I can't even be sure of the one thing I've always known to be a constant.
There are just so many things I want to tell people, especially my parents, and so many things I don't want to have to deal with that keep making their way into my mind. But I can't. I've never felt close enough or open enough with my parents and I just want to talk to them sometimes but I can't because that's not how our relationship works and it sucks. I wish I had one of those really close families and I wish I could be sure of things but I can't. And I hate it. It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to deal with things like this.
Everyone is always like "Your mom is so cool though!" Which I guess she is, but I always doubt myself when I'm with her and I feel like I can't tell her anything. And this is a time when I really need to be confident and I really need to be sure that I'm doing the right things and I can't do it. And maybe it'll be fine, but I don't want to have to doubt myself because I've done it for too long. I can't even cry anymore, I don't think I know how. I just feel resentful and hopeless.
And people always say they'll be there for you, and even if they are there's only so much they can do other than listen and feel helpless. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who to talk to or who can help me. I always have my friends, but there are certain things that you just can't do. You can't make insecurity go away, you can't change people, you can't tell them what to do. And I don't want to lose anyone by burdening them with my problems. It's not fair to them and it might drive them further from me.
So thanks for your concern, but I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not me.
My parents have a bid on a house in the marina already. Yep, I'm not even gone and they're having/going to open houses and looking to move. At Thanksgiving, I may be staying in the guest room of a house I've never seen before.
My mom told me a while ago that they were going to wait a year or two to sell the house, so that I could settle into college and such. Now it feels like they're rushing into it as fast as they can and they don't even care whether or not I mind. I've never lived in another house and when I go off to college and am surrounded by unfamiliar things, I feel like I can't even be sure of the one thing I've always known to be a constant.
There are just so many things I want to tell people, especially my parents, and so many things I don't want to have to deal with that keep making their way into my mind. But I can't. I've never felt close enough or open enough with my parents and I just want to talk to them sometimes but I can't because that's not how our relationship works and it sucks. I wish I had one of those really close families and I wish I could be sure of things but I can't. And I hate it. It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to deal with things like this.
Everyone is always like "Your mom is so cool though!" Which I guess she is, but I always doubt myself when I'm with her and I feel like I can't tell her anything. And this is a time when I really need to be confident and I really need to be sure that I'm doing the right things and I can't do it. And maybe it'll be fine, but I don't want to have to doubt myself because I've done it for too long. I can't even cry anymore, I don't think I know how. I just feel resentful and hopeless.
And people always say they'll be there for you, and even if they are there's only so much they can do other than listen and feel helpless. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who to talk to or who can help me. I always have my friends, but there are certain things that you just can't do. You can't make insecurity go away, you can't change people, you can't tell them what to do. And I don't want to lose anyone by burdening them with my problems. It's not fair to them and it might drive them further from me.
So thanks for your concern, but I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not me.