Time flies
The days are getting shorter. I tried to ignore it, tell myself it was too early to be noticing that and it was surely in my head. Why, summer's hardly even kicked into gear, I thought. Sure, we had some hot days, but so much rain too, more like spring around here than summer. This morning though I couldn't deny it. As I sat and waited to leave work I noticed it wasn't nearly so light outside and it had been at that time before. Then I walked outside and I wasn't greeted by the soggy blanket of warm air I've come to expect, but a damp chill instead. Ok, so it was probably still like 70 degrees out there, but that's a little chilly to me.
I don't do well at all with cold weather. I can enjoy it sometimes, but it's the exception. I hate being cold and I hate never seeing the sun and getting to play outside in the lovely, warm weather. I already work night shift, so I see little enough of the day as it is without sunrise and sunset slowly creeping nearer and nearer to one another as if in some conspiracy to never let me be warm and happy again.
I've had a strange melancholy all this past week. I don't know if this summer ending thing is the root cause of my discontent, or merely a contributing factor as I also seem to have this odd grieving for my last relationship. Maybe before I got into this new relationship I was simply too busy distracting myself to properly grieve for the old one, or maybe I just underestimated the time it would take. They say after a death, the first year is the hardest. You have to wade through all the anniversaries and holidays and all that. Now, no one died here, fortunately, but it's a loss just the same and I bigger one than I ever expected when I left. I don't doubt that I did the right thing, but it still makes me sad that I couldn't just be happy. Maybe the new relationship itself is triggering some of this. I have something to be afraid for again. Letting yourself get up enough to start hoping gives you somewhere to fall from again. It doesn't help that on top of my jitters everything is so different this time. I remind myself that that is quite probably a good thing given where all my other relationships ended up, but it's still scary. There's no head over heels all engulfing puppy love this time and it leaves room for all kinds of worries and doubts and what ifs in the quiet moments.
I don't do well at all with cold weather. I can enjoy it sometimes, but it's the exception. I hate being cold and I hate never seeing the sun and getting to play outside in the lovely, warm weather. I already work night shift, so I see little enough of the day as it is without sunrise and sunset slowly creeping nearer and nearer to one another as if in some conspiracy to never let me be warm and happy again.
I've had a strange melancholy all this past week. I don't know if this summer ending thing is the root cause of my discontent, or merely a contributing factor as I also seem to have this odd grieving for my last relationship. Maybe before I got into this new relationship I was simply too busy distracting myself to properly grieve for the old one, or maybe I just underestimated the time it would take. They say after a death, the first year is the hardest. You have to wade through all the anniversaries and holidays and all that. Now, no one died here, fortunately, but it's a loss just the same and I bigger one than I ever expected when I left. I don't doubt that I did the right thing, but it still makes me sad that I couldn't just be happy. Maybe the new relationship itself is triggering some of this. I have something to be afraid for again. Letting yourself get up enough to start hoping gives you somewhere to fall from again. It doesn't help that on top of my jitters everything is so different this time. I remind myself that that is quite probably a good thing given where all my other relationships ended up, but it's still scary. There's no head over heels all engulfing puppy love this time and it leaves room for all kinds of worries and doubts and what ifs in the quiet moments.