Letting go

[spookysqueek]

I need to get the hang of this single thing. I really suck at it. I'm bored and have no clue what to do with myself. The stupid thing is when I was in a relationship I'd probably have been sitting in this very spot doing something rather similar while my boy slept or played on his computer, but just knowing he was there I could focus on my things. Somehow just knowing he isn't there distracts me. I really need to start studying more, that would be the perfect thing to occupy my time right now, but I just can't seem to stay focused. I find myself going back to the relationship and rehashing all the good and the bad. Today I remembered a moment when we went to Hueco Tanks and he showed me the cave he used to go to and I thought to myself, "If he asked me to marry him right now, I'd say yes." Then I thought of how things were before the break up. It's really frustrating that everything that's happened has fucked things up beyond repair and that it took all of that for me to really understand the value of what I had. I only hope it's a lesson I can hold on to.

I know it takes time to let these things go, but I need to find a way to at least focus some of the time and not feel so stressed out. I've dropped 15 pounds since the breakup and my grades are suffering. When I'm actually in class or at work I do fine, but at home left to my own devices not so much. It makes me think back to when I was younger, what the hell did I do with myself then? I guess I just couldn't miss something I'd never had before.

I'm going to go make an attempt at this studying business and try not to let myself fall asleep this early.