My Favorite Mistake
so here i am. drunk on a sunday night. by myself. classy.
i should be out and about. new club opening tonite after all. but i'm here when i should be there. why? is it because i'm too tired? maybe its because i'm sick? oh come now, let's not be foolish. we all know that i'm a trooper and that i will more oftne thatn not tough it out and go out heavily medicated before i let any kind of physical ailment interfere in my social life. the fact of thr matter is that i can't go out . i can't run the risk of running into someone that i willingly removed from my life.
here we are three years later, after dating off and on for about a year. i have finally gathered the strength to realize that it can't work out. it never could. i don't even know what let it progress as far as it did. was i that persistant that he gavfe in and dated me briefly to assuage my wantings and shut me up? maybe he was truly attracted to me. i like to hang on to that notion. he did recently admit to being attracted to me.... just not physically?
not physically? wut the fuck? i won't even touch on that subject.
the truth is, i know we had something close to perfection. we were complete opposites but created a perfect balance. evrything seemed so right. so how did it get so wrong? after everything i did to save it....
obviously it just never needed to happen. it could have spared my pain, his pain, and pain in all the other people around us that it has effected. so i finally, after a year of taking him back decided that i need to move on. no more "I changed my mind" no more "I'll do it right this time" not even another "Let's just be friends". This time i move on and move out.
i did the right thing.
i did what was good for me.
so why does it feel so wrong?
why do i have such guilt seeing him hurt?
why does it hurt him anyway?!? is the fact that it hurts him what makes his motives sincere? was i wrong?
I made this decision over a month ago. i knew it would be hard to uphold, but i have. and i am now starting to shake. i'm heading straight into a breakdown at 100mph. but i am steadfast in knowing that i can't give up. but what am i holding on to? is this justified? i can't watch him hurt anymore because it hurts me more than it hurts him. i miss him. i still always and forever will love him.
he hurt me more than anyone ever could have and yet, i still wake in the night and hold my pillow, wishing it was him.... what a sickness to endure.
i don't know how much more i can take. every moment of every day is consumed by thoughts of him. i hold my phone wand want to call him so badly. but the more i want him near, the more i push him away. maybe my passion is finally being put to good use?
this is all a mistake.
he was a mistake.
he was my favorite mistake............
i should be out and about. new club opening tonite after all. but i'm here when i should be there. why? is it because i'm too tired? maybe its because i'm sick? oh come now, let's not be foolish. we all know that i'm a trooper and that i will more oftne thatn not tough it out and go out heavily medicated before i let any kind of physical ailment interfere in my social life. the fact of thr matter is that i can't go out . i can't run the risk of running into someone that i willingly removed from my life.
here we are three years later, after dating off and on for about a year. i have finally gathered the strength to realize that it can't work out. it never could. i don't even know what let it progress as far as it did. was i that persistant that he gavfe in and dated me briefly to assuage my wantings and shut me up? maybe he was truly attracted to me. i like to hang on to that notion. he did recently admit to being attracted to me.... just not physically?
not physically? wut the fuck? i won't even touch on that subject.
the truth is, i know we had something close to perfection. we were complete opposites but created a perfect balance. evrything seemed so right. so how did it get so wrong? after everything i did to save it....
obviously it just never needed to happen. it could have spared my pain, his pain, and pain in all the other people around us that it has effected. so i finally, after a year of taking him back decided that i need to move on. no more "I changed my mind" no more "I'll do it right this time" not even another "Let's just be friends". This time i move on and move out.
i did the right thing.
i did what was good for me.
so why does it feel so wrong?
why do i have such guilt seeing him hurt?
why does it hurt him anyway?!? is the fact that it hurts him what makes his motives sincere? was i wrong?
I made this decision over a month ago. i knew it would be hard to uphold, but i have. and i am now starting to shake. i'm heading straight into a breakdown at 100mph. but i am steadfast in knowing that i can't give up. but what am i holding on to? is this justified? i can't watch him hurt anymore because it hurts me more than it hurts him. i miss him. i still always and forever will love him.
he hurt me more than anyone ever could have and yet, i still wake in the night and hold my pillow, wishing it was him.... what a sickness to endure.
i don't know how much more i can take. every moment of every day is consumed by thoughts of him. i hold my phone wand want to call him so badly. but the more i want him near, the more i push him away. maybe my passion is finally being put to good use?
this is all a mistake.
he was a mistake.
he was my favorite mistake............