Making sense of things
I just wanted to thank everyone for the support from the last couple of posts. I know I've been an Angsty Annie lately, and for newbies on my flist, I'm usually a lot more upbeat, I swear! But right now, it's just a rough patch.
For now, trying to concentrate on the good news.
Good news number 1: I have a gig coming up on the first week in January. It is unpaid, but it is a big freaking deal because it's an Artwalk event at the Jacksonville Public Library, and this could open doors for paid gigs in the future if it goes well. It's an All-Mozart Program and I will be playing French Horn Concerto No. 3 with my friend Shaun, as well as Fantasia No. 3 in D Minor, Sonata No. whatthefuckever in C Major and another short sonata in B-Flat Major. This is also one of my stressors, so I'm really having to watch how I pace myself with the practicing, because it has been known to be panic-attack inducing. I was going to do a really cool Trio for French Horn and Clarinet, but it was just way too much music to learn in a few months, so I had to back out of that and regroup. We'll be playing Artwalk in Jacksonville January 3.
Also, last weekend I went out to lunch with my friend Shaun at a place called Hamburger Mary's in Jacksonville, and I had something called Buffy the Burger Slayer. I had to order it for the name ALONE, and it was DELISH! Definitely want to go back there because they had a dirty martini called The Karen Walker and a Cosmo called the Carrie Bradshaw. My kinda place. :)
More good news is that Spooky's vet appointment turned up no red flags. The vet thinks it's just his skin allergies bothering him, and since I de-fogged the place, he does seem to be a lot more content. I also switched to canned food, but it's given him a bout of diarrhea, and he insists that his bowl is empty and that I must fill it at all times. Po' kitty.
And last but certainly not least, I have an interview tomorrow, but the bad news is it's the same kind of job I failed at for the radio station, but if I get actual training, then perhaps it might not be such a bad thing this time.
So, despite the fact that there are good things going on, I am still pretty much always having a hard time reminding myself why I actually need to get up every day. There is a constant tightness in my chest, which I am fairly certain is not medically related (breathing is normal, I can walk around without any issues) and my stomach's been jumpy, which also tells me it's anxiety-related. I am still fighting off panic attacks pretty much around the clock, which is aggravating as all hell.
I have been borrowing my mom's Klonopin as a result and have just decided to cave and take Lexapro which has expired a year ago because that's the best I can do right now, and I have to do something. I have an appointment with my shrink in two weeks, but I honestly don't think I can wait that long. I'm not quite in the depths of despair at this point, but I can definitely, definitely see myself getting to a really dark place if things do not improve. I don't go out unless I have to, although yesterday I went for sushi, and that helped with the mood. All I want to do is sleep and eat, and being in the middle of PMS certainly doesn't help, but I'm not normally this angsty about things around my time of the month. With PMS exercise is the last thing I want to do, but I really need to get back to my old routine.
I think part of it may have to do with October, which is kind of traumatic for me. Halloween 1996 I had an Ovarian Cyst rupture and nearly bled to death. Halloween 2001 I was in the hospital for heart failure, about to undergo Heart Surgery Number 3. Some Octobers are fine. Some, not so much, and I think the stress of being under-employed coupled with the stress going on at work (which I will explain later) coupled with absolutely no support system IRL to speak of meant that my sanity-levels were pretty much a house of cards, and when I didn't get the job I really needed, that was pretty much all it took.
Fangirl squeeing has helped somewhat this week, at least. It was fun seeing Dr. Horrible on TV and Felicia Day livetweeting throughout the whole thing was adorable. I thought HIMYM and Castle were excellent last week, as was OuaT and The New Normal, which I will delve into when I have my thoughts more organized on the subject matter. I still have thoughts to assimilate as a reaction to The dreaded Break-Up ep.
For now, trying to concentrate on the good news.
Good news number 1: I have a gig coming up on the first week in January. It is unpaid, but it is a big freaking deal because it's an Artwalk event at the Jacksonville Public Library, and this could open doors for paid gigs in the future if it goes well. It's an All-Mozart Program and I will be playing French Horn Concerto No. 3 with my friend Shaun, as well as Fantasia No. 3 in D Minor, Sonata No. whatthefuckever in C Major and another short sonata in B-Flat Major. This is also one of my stressors, so I'm really having to watch how I pace myself with the practicing, because it has been known to be panic-attack inducing. I was going to do a really cool Trio for French Horn and Clarinet, but it was just way too much music to learn in a few months, so I had to back out of that and regroup. We'll be playing Artwalk in Jacksonville January 3.
Also, last weekend I went out to lunch with my friend Shaun at a place called Hamburger Mary's in Jacksonville, and I had something called Buffy the Burger Slayer. I had to order it for the name ALONE, and it was DELISH! Definitely want to go back there because they had a dirty martini called The Karen Walker and a Cosmo called the Carrie Bradshaw. My kinda place. :)
More good news is that Spooky's vet appointment turned up no red flags. The vet thinks it's just his skin allergies bothering him, and since I de-fogged the place, he does seem to be a lot more content. I also switched to canned food, but it's given him a bout of diarrhea, and he insists that his bowl is empty and that I must fill it at all times. Po' kitty.
And last but certainly not least, I have an interview tomorrow, but the bad news is it's the same kind of job I failed at for the radio station, but if I get actual training, then perhaps it might not be such a bad thing this time.
So, despite the fact that there are good things going on, I am still pretty much always having a hard time reminding myself why I actually need to get up every day. There is a constant tightness in my chest, which I am fairly certain is not medically related (breathing is normal, I can walk around without any issues) and my stomach's been jumpy, which also tells me it's anxiety-related. I am still fighting off panic attacks pretty much around the clock, which is aggravating as all hell.
I have been borrowing my mom's Klonopin as a result and have just decided to cave and take Lexapro which has expired a year ago because that's the best I can do right now, and I have to do something. I have an appointment with my shrink in two weeks, but I honestly don't think I can wait that long. I'm not quite in the depths of despair at this point, but I can definitely, definitely see myself getting to a really dark place if things do not improve. I don't go out unless I have to, although yesterday I went for sushi, and that helped with the mood. All I want to do is sleep and eat, and being in the middle of PMS certainly doesn't help, but I'm not normally this angsty about things around my time of the month. With PMS exercise is the last thing I want to do, but I really need to get back to my old routine.
I think part of it may have to do with October, which is kind of traumatic for me. Halloween 1996 I had an Ovarian Cyst rupture and nearly bled to death. Halloween 2001 I was in the hospital for heart failure, about to undergo Heart Surgery Number 3. Some Octobers are fine. Some, not so much, and I think the stress of being under-employed coupled with the stress going on at work (which I will explain later) coupled with absolutely no support system IRL to speak of meant that my sanity-levels were pretty much a house of cards, and when I didn't get the job I really needed, that was pretty much all it took.
Fangirl squeeing has helped somewhat this week, at least. It was fun seeing Dr. Horrible on TV and Felicia Day livetweeting throughout the whole thing was adorable. I thought HIMYM and Castle were excellent last week, as was OuaT and The New Normal, which I will delve into when I have my thoughts more organized on the subject matter. I still have thoughts to assimilate as a reaction to The dreaded Break-Up ep.