My Bottom Ten
Inspired by Sir Strong Bad, the iconic emailographer, cartographer and philolographer of our times, I present to you, dear readers and people who found this blawg by happen-stance, my Bottom Ten.
10. Bullying Advice from Teachers
If someone is picking on you, walk right up to them and say "Don't bully me". Somehow your eye contact will completely disable all the parts of the bully's brain that are capable of wedgies.
9. Unskipable, Repeating Cutscenes
Playing a game once and having the scenes as unskipable is fine most of the time*. But when you're playing it again it's a real punch in the crotch to have to sit through through it all.
*Seriously, who needed to see Tidus and Yuna doing that laughing bit? No one, that's who.
8. The Masters of Horror Series
You can always tell if a movie budget was lower than Pete Steel's voice when shots last for two minutes. If Dario Argento wanted to make a porno, he should have just made a porno. Also, The Pit And The Pendulum was terrible.
7. Autobots
If they really wanted to make progress they'd stop taking little Jimmy Everyteen on missions. He gets kidnapped by flying Deceptacons EVERY TIME.
6. Channel V
Once, a channel with original, likeable hosts and music you actually gave a shit about, now a festering cesspool of cliché plastic. All sound and fury signifying nothing.
5. Spoilers on Regular Cars
Do you drive to the shops at 250ks an hour? No? Then take off that fucking spoiler, you're not driving a Plymouth Superbird, you infant.
4. Southern Cross Tattoos
Nothing says "I beat up foreigners at Cronulla" like a Southern Cross tattoo.
(I'm not too fond of the Eureka Stockade flag either. I know it's meant to be symbol of workers' rights and a fair go, but whenever I see it I think of the Australian version of the American Hick.)
3. Election Years
Election Year is when most citizens partake in nation-wide Double-Think. Most people would tell you that they wouldn't trust a politician with their broken wheelbarrow, but when it comes time to vote people will passionately back their team and everything said by the team captain like a bunch of well-trained monkeys, albeit monkeys who throw poo.
I'm sick of people saying "why would they lie to the public about that?"
2. Any Combination of Vampires, Teens and High School
Now Angst is a superpower! All vampire teens are upgraded with +5 Moping, +4 Lurking and a whopping +18 Egocentricity!!!
And coming in at a fuming number one...
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
118 minutes of bullshit film. It pisses me off that people (Chris Brinker, Don Carmody and Troy Duffy) can bring out movies like this- shitty, shitty sequels. With rumours of a shitty number three to follow!
The naked scene at the start was completely unnecessary. This is meant to be a guys movie. What guy wants to see the butts of two other guys?
My ears are still screaming from the awful southern accent and 'sexy' carefree attitude attempted by Julie Benz (Dexter's girlfriend).
The three cops couldn't even make me laugh AT them with their shitty acting and Three Stooges gimmick.
STEREOTYPES! The brothers' Mexican pal, Romeo, has the kind of dialogue you'd expect from a black guy in an American teen movie in the 90s. He says "ese", "viva la Mexico", "merry christmas mother fucker" and "ding dong mother fucker". These are not signs of a competent writer, Mr Duffy.
Oh yeah, and the Itailans say "capish."
What was with the worlds largest desert eagles? They looked STUPID. Not badass. STUPID. Much like the whole movie. Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus must be aaaaaaaall out of money if they did this movie. Likewise, Troy Duffy. You don't write films like this so you can win awards. Or respect.
So, what's everyone else's Bottom Ten?
10. Bullying Advice from Teachers
If someone is picking on you, walk right up to them and say "Don't bully me". Somehow your eye contact will completely disable all the parts of the bully's brain that are capable of wedgies.
9. Unskipable, Repeating Cutscenes
Playing a game once and having the scenes as unskipable is fine most of the time*. But when you're playing it again it's a real punch in the crotch to have to sit through through it all.
*Seriously, who needed to see Tidus and Yuna doing that laughing bit? No one, that's who.
8. The Masters of Horror Series
You can always tell if a movie budget was lower than Pete Steel's voice when shots last for two minutes. If Dario Argento wanted to make a porno, he should have just made a porno. Also, The Pit And The Pendulum was terrible.
7. Autobots
If they really wanted to make progress they'd stop taking little Jimmy Everyteen on missions. He gets kidnapped by flying Deceptacons EVERY TIME.
6. Channel V
Once, a channel with original, likeable hosts and music you actually gave a shit about, now a festering cesspool of cliché plastic. All sound and fury signifying nothing.
5. Spoilers on Regular Cars
Do you drive to the shops at 250ks an hour? No? Then take off that fucking spoiler, you're not driving a Plymouth Superbird, you infant.
4. Southern Cross Tattoos
Nothing says "I beat up foreigners at Cronulla" like a Southern Cross tattoo.
(I'm not too fond of the Eureka Stockade flag either. I know it's meant to be symbol of workers' rights and a fair go, but whenever I see it I think of the Australian version of the American Hick.)
3. Election Years
Election Year is when most citizens partake in nation-wide Double-Think. Most people would tell you that they wouldn't trust a politician with their broken wheelbarrow, but when it comes time to vote people will passionately back their team and everything said by the team captain like a bunch of well-trained monkeys, albeit monkeys who throw poo.
I'm sick of people saying "why would they lie to the public about that?"
2. Any Combination of Vampires, Teens and High School
Now Angst is a superpower! All vampire teens are upgraded with +5 Moping, +4 Lurking and a whopping +18 Egocentricity!!!
And coming in at a fuming number one...
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
118 minutes of bullshit film. It pisses me off that people (Chris Brinker, Don Carmody and Troy Duffy) can bring out movies like this- shitty, shitty sequels. With rumours of a shitty number three to follow!
The naked scene at the start was completely unnecessary. This is meant to be a guys movie. What guy wants to see the butts of two other guys?
My ears are still screaming from the awful southern accent and 'sexy' carefree attitude attempted by Julie Benz (Dexter's girlfriend).
The three cops couldn't even make me laugh AT them with their shitty acting and Three Stooges gimmick.
STEREOTYPES! The brothers' Mexican pal, Romeo, has the kind of dialogue you'd expect from a black guy in an American teen movie in the 90s. He says "ese", "viva la Mexico", "merry christmas mother fucker" and "ding dong mother fucker". These are not signs of a competent writer, Mr Duffy.
Oh yeah, and the Itailans say "capish."
What was with the worlds largest desert eagles? They looked STUPID. Not badass. STUPID. Much like the whole movie. Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus must be aaaaaaaall out of money if they did this movie. Likewise, Troy Duffy. You don't write films like this so you can win awards. Or respect.
So, what's everyone else's Bottom Ten?