its really cold.
well...since im far too lazy to go through and delete any old journal entries, or at least hide them, i guess ill just start back up again randomly.
lets see...whats new in the life of rachel..?
pretty much nothing good.
i feel like shit, im fucking freezing, im catching a cold, and im just about ready to pass out from this stress and frustration as result of a best friend and a boyfriend.
i feel like such a jerk.
where to start?
alejandro. best friend for a year now. smart, funny, incredibly ridiculous...all around awesome guy. this boy kicks some major ass, and i just wish he would realize it. but no. he wont, because hes too busy being extremely hard on himself about everything, all of which is usually my fault. you see, this boy has liked me for a long time, and i recently began to reciprocate those feelings. good idea? no. because i have a boyfriend.
joey. this is the boyfriend in which i speak. hes a real sweetheart and has made me feel very loved. itll be 6 months on the 28th.
i dont know what to do anymore. alex worries me so much, i cant help but think about him constantly. and this upsets joseph because he feels like i pay no attention to him. what the fuck am i supposed to do now? both of them are such beautiful people, and they are so similar in so many ways.
when joey is sad, he tries to get very close to me. he does it on purpose when alex is around...it kind of pisses me off sometimes. but i cant really blame him. and when alex is sad, he becomes really distant. and it hurts.
all i want is for everyone to just be happy, and it kills me inside because i know that i cant make alex happy. no matter how hard i try, i cant do it. im never going to forgive myself for it. that boy has done so much for me, he really has no idea. i love him more than he could ever imagine, and i just want him to feel good. i want him to finally be happy, but i dont know how to make that possible. and god it fucking sucks.
tonight, me, will, kelly, alex, and joey went to see the new harry potter and then went to EA. bad idea. i tried asking joey to stay home from the movies becaues i didnt want it to bother alex, but he really didnt want to. oh, did i mention i cheated on him? yeah, that sort of breaks any kind of trust whatsoever. fucked from the get-go.
so i go to pick up joey. im late, as usual, and if we dont leave soon, well never get seats. and what happens? hes sick. looks like shit, his eyes are watery, he looks like hes in pain. but he goes anyway...because alex is there. so that made me feel pretty shitty. i mean, its cute that he wants to go and be there with me, but i know the main reason behind it.
so we get to the movie, and everything is fine...until about the second half of the movie. alex gets all quiet again. and then the crappy feelings pour over me again. what do i do? do i give him a hug? nope. joeys there. so what do i do? the most i did tonight was put my hand on his shoulder. oh man, im sure that was comforting. goddamn i wish i was a better friend.
fuck this.
i didnt think there would be so much to explain.
in a nutshell:
alex liked me for a long time. i finally admitted that i felt the same. but i had a boyfriend, joey. me and joey broke up for, like, a day. me and alex were officially together. but then i made the mistake of seeing joey rather than giving it time, and we ended up back together again. not saying thats bad, just saying that it could have gone better...cause i felt like a complete ass for doing that to alejandro. this lead into the bouts of sadness and awkward silences. oh, and alexs parents still think the two of us are going out. nice. okay, skip ahead a bit..i cheated on joey with alex. kissed him. yep. what a fucking dumbass i am, right? something like that is enough to screw all of us up. joey forgives me, but all that trust is gone. scaring him like that twice. i never planned for something like that to happen. i feel like such a fucking jerk still. i dont want joey thinking i dont care about him, or that i care about alex more. its just that hes my best friend, and i cant help but worry about someone so quiet, someone that seems so fragile...but only to himself. my god he scares the shit outta me sometimes, saying terrible things about himself. i have no idea what i would ever do without him. i would have to die.
done explaining shit. too much stuff to write. too confused and tired to write it.
i just wish i wasnt so indecisive, sensitive, hypocritical, bitchy, and all around hurtful. this fucking sucks.
i just want everyone to be happy.
p.s. alex, please try to get some sleep. im worried to death about you. youll never get any better if you get so little sleep. ill talk to you tomorrow, sleep well, and have sweet dreams. i love you. goodnight.
<3 rachel
lets see...whats new in the life of rachel..?
pretty much nothing good.
i feel like shit, im fucking freezing, im catching a cold, and im just about ready to pass out from this stress and frustration as result of a best friend and a boyfriend.
i feel like such a jerk.
where to start?
alejandro. best friend for a year now. smart, funny, incredibly ridiculous...all around awesome guy. this boy kicks some major ass, and i just wish he would realize it. but no. he wont, because hes too busy being extremely hard on himself about everything, all of which is usually my fault. you see, this boy has liked me for a long time, and i recently began to reciprocate those feelings. good idea? no. because i have a boyfriend.
joey. this is the boyfriend in which i speak. hes a real sweetheart and has made me feel very loved. itll be 6 months on the 28th.
i dont know what to do anymore. alex worries me so much, i cant help but think about him constantly. and this upsets joseph because he feels like i pay no attention to him. what the fuck am i supposed to do now? both of them are such beautiful people, and they are so similar in so many ways.
when joey is sad, he tries to get very close to me. he does it on purpose when alex is around...it kind of pisses me off sometimes. but i cant really blame him. and when alex is sad, he becomes really distant. and it hurts.
all i want is for everyone to just be happy, and it kills me inside because i know that i cant make alex happy. no matter how hard i try, i cant do it. im never going to forgive myself for it. that boy has done so much for me, he really has no idea. i love him more than he could ever imagine, and i just want him to feel good. i want him to finally be happy, but i dont know how to make that possible. and god it fucking sucks.
tonight, me, will, kelly, alex, and joey went to see the new harry potter and then went to EA. bad idea. i tried asking joey to stay home from the movies becaues i didnt want it to bother alex, but he really didnt want to. oh, did i mention i cheated on him? yeah, that sort of breaks any kind of trust whatsoever. fucked from the get-go.
so i go to pick up joey. im late, as usual, and if we dont leave soon, well never get seats. and what happens? hes sick. looks like shit, his eyes are watery, he looks like hes in pain. but he goes anyway...because alex is there. so that made me feel pretty shitty. i mean, its cute that he wants to go and be there with me, but i know the main reason behind it.
so we get to the movie, and everything is fine...until about the second half of the movie. alex gets all quiet again. and then the crappy feelings pour over me again. what do i do? do i give him a hug? nope. joeys there. so what do i do? the most i did tonight was put my hand on his shoulder. oh man, im sure that was comforting. goddamn i wish i was a better friend.
fuck this.
i didnt think there would be so much to explain.
in a nutshell:
alex liked me for a long time. i finally admitted that i felt the same. but i had a boyfriend, joey. me and joey broke up for, like, a day. me and alex were officially together. but then i made the mistake of seeing joey rather than giving it time, and we ended up back together again. not saying thats bad, just saying that it could have gone better...cause i felt like a complete ass for doing that to alejandro. this lead into the bouts of sadness and awkward silences. oh, and alexs parents still think the two of us are going out. nice. okay, skip ahead a bit..i cheated on joey with alex. kissed him. yep. what a fucking dumbass i am, right? something like that is enough to screw all of us up. joey forgives me, but all that trust is gone. scaring him like that twice. i never planned for something like that to happen. i feel like such a fucking jerk still. i dont want joey thinking i dont care about him, or that i care about alex more. its just that hes my best friend, and i cant help but worry about someone so quiet, someone that seems so fragile...but only to himself. my god he scares the shit outta me sometimes, saying terrible things about himself. i have no idea what i would ever do without him. i would have to die.
done explaining shit. too much stuff to write. too confused and tired to write it.
i just wish i wasnt so indecisive, sensitive, hypocritical, bitchy, and all around hurtful. this fucking sucks.
i just want everyone to be happy.
p.s. alex, please try to get some sleep. im worried to death about you. youll never get any better if you get so little sleep. ill talk to you tomorrow, sleep well, and have sweet dreams. i love you. goodnight.
<3 rachel