Someday I will relax.
Sometimes I get this sudden & intense feeling of relief that high school is over. It comes seemingly out of no where.
Other times it seems like the line between then and now is not as thick as I'd like it.
For example, I still haven't figured out why people I barely know decide not to like me. I must be doing something, maybe the same whatever I was doing in high school that made people I'd never spoken to hate me.
Part of me wonders if it could be jealousy, but jealous of WHAT????
???
Can't sleep for unknown reasons and it's these thoughts that swim in the bloodshot sea.
I'm getting better and maybe someday I'll be good enough. Maybe someday I'll let myself know that I'm good enough.
These angsty writings seem very high-school-esque. But I promise you (myself), they're different. Because then I was living it. Now, it's moments, and nights of unrest. And it's manageable. It's not a living nightmare; just an occasional hrrmmm. (That sound is to be coupled with a face of sadness/confusion, doesn't really have a suitable emoticon.)
Puzzling the puzzle.
You know who IS jealous though... it's me.
Is it that? Can they sense it?
Can they smell it, like a dog smells fear?
Dogs don't smell fear, of course. They read body language and so do humans.
Worrying the worry.
Fraying the frayed.
I'm not sure that this apartment feels like home yet. What is home? What does home feel like? I'm comfortable in it. That must be good enough. I don't know what I'm looking for.
My roommate hates it when my boyfriend comes over and I don't care. He comes over most nights and she doesn't like it and I don't care. I feel like a bad person and I don't care. I care but I don't care... enough. Just enough to worry and hunch my shoulders and seal my eyes open at times of sleep.
Not enough to change.
I don't know who's right or if it matters or if the concept of right exists.
I feel like a loser for not being in school. Despite my beliefs that the system is flawed and the expectations are outdated and unfounded. That the stress and the rush to shoot through college like a teenager's first time is senseless and futile. That there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no job at the end of the degree; just more school, more paperwork, more hoops, more wheels, more tracks.
Despite these beliefs I feel like a loser
for not jumping through the flaming hoops into the gasoline-laced water.
Everyone is doing it.
The circus falls down around it, but the hoops are still there and there seems to be no stopping the flow of acrobats.
To be fair, I climbed the ladder, I jumped on the trampoline, but I fell off quickly and now the stampede is too thick to penetrate. In order to return to my nameless position among the faceless.
"What kind of life will I lead?" What does leading a life mean? What does the leader of a life do? Define: leading as applied to life.
You have to lose control to get your footing.
Someday I will relax.
Why are we mean to each other? Are people mean out of fear? Lack of understanding which equals fear, dislike for the uncertainty, desire for control. I like to think I don't dole this out regularly but on the receiving end I wish I were strong enough to breathe it out and brush it off. It's amazing how easy it is to say something that breaks my spirit. This isn't tolerable in the professional world.
What will I be when I Grow Up?
Other times it seems like the line between then and now is not as thick as I'd like it.
For example, I still haven't figured out why people I barely know decide not to like me. I must be doing something, maybe the same whatever I was doing in high school that made people I'd never spoken to hate me.
Part of me wonders if it could be jealousy, but jealous of WHAT????
???
Can't sleep for unknown reasons and it's these thoughts that swim in the bloodshot sea.
I'm getting better and maybe someday I'll be good enough. Maybe someday I'll let myself know that I'm good enough.
These angsty writings seem very high-school-esque. But I promise you (myself), they're different. Because then I was living it. Now, it's moments, and nights of unrest. And it's manageable. It's not a living nightmare; just an occasional hrrmmm. (That sound is to be coupled with a face of sadness/confusion, doesn't really have a suitable emoticon.)
Puzzling the puzzle.
You know who IS jealous though... it's me.
Is it that? Can they sense it?
Can they smell it, like a dog smells fear?
Dogs don't smell fear, of course. They read body language and so do humans.
Worrying the worry.
Fraying the frayed.
I'm not sure that this apartment feels like home yet. What is home? What does home feel like? I'm comfortable in it. That must be good enough. I don't know what I'm looking for.
My roommate hates it when my boyfriend comes over and I don't care. He comes over most nights and she doesn't like it and I don't care. I feel like a bad person and I don't care. I care but I don't care... enough. Just enough to worry and hunch my shoulders and seal my eyes open at times of sleep.
Not enough to change.
I don't know who's right or if it matters or if the concept of right exists.
I feel like a loser for not being in school. Despite my beliefs that the system is flawed and the expectations are outdated and unfounded. That the stress and the rush to shoot through college like a teenager's first time is senseless and futile. That there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no job at the end of the degree; just more school, more paperwork, more hoops, more wheels, more tracks.
Despite these beliefs I feel like a loser
for not jumping through the flaming hoops into the gasoline-laced water.
Everyone is doing it.
The circus falls down around it, but the hoops are still there and there seems to be no stopping the flow of acrobats.
To be fair, I climbed the ladder, I jumped on the trampoline, but I fell off quickly and now the stampede is too thick to penetrate. In order to return to my nameless position among the faceless.
"What kind of life will I lead?" What does leading a life mean? What does the leader of a life do? Define: leading as applied to life.
You have to lose control to get your footing.
Someday I will relax.
Why are we mean to each other? Are people mean out of fear? Lack of understanding which equals fear, dislike for the uncertainty, desire for control. I like to think I don't dole this out regularly but on the receiving end I wish I were strong enough to breathe it out and brush it off. It's amazing how easy it is to say something that breaks my spirit. This isn't tolerable in the professional world.
What will I be when I Grow Up?