what else can i say?
Its hard to describe how I feel right now. Im scared. Of what, I may say after the 15th when I find out for sure, but Until then, I am scared. Im not ready for this to happen. No, not yet. Maybe never. Swore to myself I would not let this happen and it may have. Im an idiot. A retard definately having a blonde moment.
I just got back from Tim's house. He cooked me dinner after I got off work at 11:10 pm, and i got to his house at 1130 pm. He cooked me BBQ Terriyaki Chicken with Some Velveeta Mac and Cheese and some Croissants.I adore him. We ended the night with a pillow fight and a kiss goodnight, and Now, I am home. I miss it over there. I miss not waking up next to him, curled up beside me, watching him sleep, affraid to make a move as to not wake him up. What is it I feel for him? I dont know honestly. Sometimes, I wonder If I am making a horrible,terrible mistake being with him. Sometimes, I wonder If this is the best thing in the world, if he is the one. Thats the kind of Test they need, Life mate Test. Kinda show the signs of if the 2 of you are meant to be or whatnot. I mean, this is all weird to me. After Jason, Brent, and Ryan, I have lost hope in myself and the rest of the male population I would consider dating. It is very hard for me to trust people, especially men,after all that has happened.
Jason was my first everything. I lost my virginity to him (yes i was young, 15 actually) I gave him everything I thought I had at the age. My innocence gone,virtue,and eventually my sanity. He beat me, controlled me, made me feel like shit and I beleived every word he said. I have an eating disorder thanks to him now. Constantly calling me fat or heavy when i wasnt, at a tender age kinda fucks you up in life. I became anorexic. I was tall for 15, havent grown much since, was 5'7 at the time and weighed 86 lbs. Thats the perfect image for him. At that time anyways.He beat me, broke my ribs,dislocated my hip, broke my nose and stabbed me twice with a butterfly knife. As i lay there, he raped me. Good luck Contestant #1
Brent was my second boyfriend. He was sweet. Good looking. not much older than I. only about a year and a half. met him when i just turned 16. (Yes it was at a LARP) 3 years went by with him. He got possessive, telling me who i could talk to, where I could go, what i can and cannot wear.Etc etc, you get the point. I broke up with him.We did not talk for a few months, and I started seeing Ryan when he and I became friends again, Yes, Brent also played on White-Wolf. Brent did not like this, and we all went out one night with his friend Troy, and he got drunk, attacked me and the bartender. I havent spoken to him since.
Ryan and I met online. What else can you say? Dated online a little over a year, and I find out he is lying and seeing Ren's girlfriend, Chas, who is supposed to be my friend. I caught him in many lies, and still, I did not want to lose him. I had that yearning for him. Sometimes I still do, but then I grow my brain back and remember what he did, and I get over it very Quickly. I still partly blame myself, again, i grow my brain back and tell my self to shut the fuck up.
Now there is Tim.23, lives alone. Is clean. Smokes. He is like me. He has tattoos, piercings. Yay!!!! He has his own place, has a job, even if it is the manager of a Gas station, its still a job. He is also the singer of my friends band. He has a wonderful voice,wnderful smile. great artistic ability and a wonder poet. he is a great cook and has a wonderful sense of humor. Am i getting myself in way to deep? Whats wrong with me?
At any event. I have to go to bed. Im dead tired and I have to work tomorrow. I have been working 4 days in a row, 3 days left. 7 fucking days in a row, my god. Im burnt out. Probably why I am not making much sense right now......
I just got back from Tim's house. He cooked me dinner after I got off work at 11:10 pm, and i got to his house at 1130 pm. He cooked me BBQ Terriyaki Chicken with Some Velveeta Mac and Cheese and some Croissants.I adore him. We ended the night with a pillow fight and a kiss goodnight, and Now, I am home. I miss it over there. I miss not waking up next to him, curled up beside me, watching him sleep, affraid to make a move as to not wake him up. What is it I feel for him? I dont know honestly. Sometimes, I wonder If I am making a horrible,terrible mistake being with him. Sometimes, I wonder If this is the best thing in the world, if he is the one. Thats the kind of Test they need, Life mate Test. Kinda show the signs of if the 2 of you are meant to be or whatnot. I mean, this is all weird to me. After Jason, Brent, and Ryan, I have lost hope in myself and the rest of the male population I would consider dating. It is very hard for me to trust people, especially men,after all that has happened.
Jason was my first everything. I lost my virginity to him (yes i was young, 15 actually) I gave him everything I thought I had at the age. My innocence gone,virtue,and eventually my sanity. He beat me, controlled me, made me feel like shit and I beleived every word he said. I have an eating disorder thanks to him now. Constantly calling me fat or heavy when i wasnt, at a tender age kinda fucks you up in life. I became anorexic. I was tall for 15, havent grown much since, was 5'7 at the time and weighed 86 lbs. Thats the perfect image for him. At that time anyways.He beat me, broke my ribs,dislocated my hip, broke my nose and stabbed me twice with a butterfly knife. As i lay there, he raped me. Good luck Contestant #1
Brent was my second boyfriend. He was sweet. Good looking. not much older than I. only about a year and a half. met him when i just turned 16. (Yes it was at a LARP) 3 years went by with him. He got possessive, telling me who i could talk to, where I could go, what i can and cannot wear.Etc etc, you get the point. I broke up with him.We did not talk for a few months, and I started seeing Ryan when he and I became friends again, Yes, Brent also played on White-Wolf. Brent did not like this, and we all went out one night with his friend Troy, and he got drunk, attacked me and the bartender. I havent spoken to him since.
Ryan and I met online. What else can you say? Dated online a little over a year, and I find out he is lying and seeing Ren's girlfriend, Chas, who is supposed to be my friend. I caught him in many lies, and still, I did not want to lose him. I had that yearning for him. Sometimes I still do, but then I grow my brain back and remember what he did, and I get over it very Quickly. I still partly blame myself, again, i grow my brain back and tell my self to shut the fuck up.
Now there is Tim.23, lives alone. Is clean. Smokes. He is like me. He has tattoos, piercings. Yay!!!! He has his own place, has a job, even if it is the manager of a Gas station, its still a job. He is also the singer of my friends band. He has a wonderful voice,wnderful smile. great artistic ability and a wonder poet. he is a great cook and has a wonderful sense of humor. Am i getting myself in way to deep? Whats wrong with me?
At any event. I have to go to bed. Im dead tired and I have to work tomorrow. I have been working 4 days in a row, 3 days left. 7 fucking days in a row, my god. Im burnt out. Probably why I am not making much sense right now......