History’s made its mark in anger. As everybody knows, its what we do, its nothing new.
the next chords struck are fault and failure
and we both know that finger points on cue, there’s blame for two
Mummy's in town. Brought Nick with her. Said she thought I ought to spend time with, and get to know, my brother. (Thank God she didn't bring the other one. Whatever the fuck her name is. Julie. Who cares? God knows I don't need a fucking sister too.) Well, sorry mom, you fail to realize that I'm an only child. Nick is less of a brother to me than that weird potential rapist at Streetside. I like how she comes to visit her son and decides to bring her stepson along too. Seems to defeat the damn purpose. Well, I guess she didn't REALLY come to see me, seeing as we've barely spent any time together. Nick and I are also getting to share a room, which is, golly, just great. Been sleeping on the floor or on the couch so I don't end up doing something I'll regret.
This whole ordeal is going to leave me a complete wreck. Just a wreck. A fucking mess. So much more I've been meaning to say....
It's true that old habits die hard. It's been years. Old habits are very stupid. Old habits make my skin sting. Didn't dig too deep into old habits. Won't let myself, but it sounds very nice right now. Have been drinking. Can't help it sometimes. It just feels so much better than anything else. Usually a happy drunk. Not right now. Snuck vodka and rum over for just such moments.
Miss my dad. Miss Henry. Oh, god, I miss Henry. Got his severely misspelled text message of "Give me all your $ foul! Joeking!" I love him. I do, I love him so much. Should be my little brother. Couldn't ask for a better one.
I love my mother, I want her to love me. Asked her to please pay attention to me. Listen to whatever I have to say. My injuries, friends, adventures, stories that have nothing to do with anything, I don't care, please mummy, just pay afuckingttention to me. Took me to a movie, just me and her, Public Enemies, perfect film for the both of us. That's all we've done, just the two of us for several days now. Has barely seen me since she's been in town.
Reading Little Children. Less emotionally crippling to me than the film so far. The film kills me, makes me cry like a child. Almost finished with it. Good book. Really. Read it. You'll love it. Need to read more. Need to finish all the damn books I've started. Need to finish Lolita and Mr. Sedaris and Augustin Burroughs and every other damn book I've started and forgotten about. Been looking at other books too. Fuck, I'd love to go to bed and just sleep and sleep and sleep.
Scott, I'm sorry I had to get offline yesterday. Always sorry for something, I'm sorry for that. Been at my grandparents' house. They don't have internet. The connection went out. I wanted to talk to you more. I miss you and need to be more social with you.