(no subject)
the first half of mod break was good, shakespeare, nina and evan, twin peaks, shakespeare again. then painting started out good but i slowly became more and more irritable. there were way more people there than i thought there would be, i had only thought like 4 or 5 would come, but like ten people actually showed up. i love everyone who was there, it was just a little too much in that tiny apartment trying to keep people quiet and well behaved. i went back to my mom's house that night just cause i missed her and i missed the house. the apartment is very nice, but it's not really my home. not yet. the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. i hate this, i hate that my father did this to our family. mother's day was progressivly shitty. I played a soccer game where i was unusually shitty. then i came home, ate junk, showered, slept, woke up for dinner, went to bed. today was just pure shit. i got my period this morning. i desided not to go to shakespeare because i felt so shitty. i should have gone. dad called. it felt so terrible talking to him. i don't know why. i miss him. i slept for several hours, then ate bagel bites which made me feel worse. then mom came home. i had math tutoring, took a test, i think i did okay. fucking cramps. now my sister is doing homework and all she's doing is complaining. i fucking wish she'd shut up. she's such a pain. i really hate her right now. i want to yell at her, but that would just cause more shit from her.
i hate being in this house with these three women, but i hate being at the apartment with my dad too. everything just sucks so bad right now. i know people care. i know people love me. but there's a difference between knowing you're loved and feeling you're loved. no amount of hugs or baked goods or soft words can penetrate this feeling of alone. i love you all so much (especially your baked goods, i love those very much). it's just this gap between me and the rest of the world. even my bed is not safe anymore. it reeks of gas and blood. my mind is strewn with sex, death, and absence of love. i don't know what to do anymore except sleep and wake up again. and try not to bite my nails. because biting my nails won't make anything better.
i know there's someone who will take me into his arms and make a cave for me to cry. i don't feel safe crying here. it's not my place. it's not my place to be here, i don't belong here. i just hate this so much. i've got to run now, before someone sees my eyes swell with tears and thinks me selfish. i'm selfish. yes, that's me.
i hate being in this house with these three women, but i hate being at the apartment with my dad too. everything just sucks so bad right now. i know people care. i know people love me. but there's a difference between knowing you're loved and feeling you're loved. no amount of hugs or baked goods or soft words can penetrate this feeling of alone. i love you all so much (especially your baked goods, i love those very much). it's just this gap between me and the rest of the world. even my bed is not safe anymore. it reeks of gas and blood. my mind is strewn with sex, death, and absence of love. i don't know what to do anymore except sleep and wake up again. and try not to bite my nails. because biting my nails won't make anything better.
i know there's someone who will take me into his arms and make a cave for me to cry. i don't feel safe crying here. it's not my place. it's not my place to be here, i don't belong here. i just hate this so much. i've got to run now, before someone sees my eyes swell with tears and thinks me selfish. i'm selfish. yes, that's me.