I feel like crying sometimes
I've written something to this affect before: I take a step forwards and not two, no, three steps back. I constantly spin my wheels. I'd love to blame anyone else, but sometimes, it really is just me.
Take the teaching certification for example! I started the 9 month course in March 2022 (late!) and could have started it as early as September/October. I could have been taking the Praxis exams the same time I was doing the course, but I had only one hint that I could have done them that early. I finished the program in Dec 2022, and during the 8 months I was waiting on my degree to be authenticated (did I even need to do this step?! I don't think so...) I could have taken the tests. I didn't.
I didn't take my first test until I think July of 2024. What happened in summer 2023? I think I wasn't sure of how to test, I thought I would have to trick the online testing using a VPN etc. And then the only times I found available seemed incompatible with my work schedule, because I didn't want to take days off to test (I took days off for any other reason tho!)
I'm racing compared to my previous snail slow pace now! I finished the PLT for grades 1 - 6 in June or July, moved to the US in August and didn't do much for two months, maybe some light studying, but last month I took the PLT for grades 7 - 12 and just got the passing grades a few days ago. I have one more chapter of review for the Business exam, and that is registered and set to be demolished on Sunday I think. That's two exams in 40 days, and I also got my FBI background check completed this week. For the next two or three weeks I'll probably be in full time study mode (2 -3 hours a day minimum, but I will take some days off) and I'll take the combined Praxis II exams for Elementary Education since I have to get that certificate before I add on any others as endorsements. I really hope this doesn't bite me in the ass in the future.
I'm almost 42. I've worked for a grand total of less than 10 full years, only 4 being complete from beginning to end as a teacher, and two others in the US. All the rest have been half years or even 3 months. Thank God I managed to save up a little bit, if I didn't have that I think I would feel much worse.
This has got to be the last year I chase this "dream". I've been after this since 2011 or earlier. I remember smoking cigs in the stupid alley outside of the apartment in Abdullah Mubarak, making plans on how I'd spend the money if I got a job teaching. "I just need enough money to import one car, and slowly I'll get more and more". Did I even believe myself back then?
Trying to force, to wedge myself into a job as a teacher, not even looking up if there was a way to become a teacher. Maybe I did actually. It did take a lot of research, at times it seemed as if the research was nebulous but eventually I got straight answers: certified teaching program, then Praxis exams.
The last 14 years have been a blur. The endless brokeness has gone on even longer than that. I used to imagine that it would end once I graduated, that at some point, I would live alone, be free. I still want that, but it's dawned on me that once my parents are gone, it will be horrifying.
I have to make it this year. If I don't finish up this teaching license thing, I may never finish it honestly. I'll give up and get any job, accept any pay.
I don't want to be smart anymore, I don't want intelligence. I don't want information. Why is it nothing I do is beneficial? I want to see a psychiatrist, but mental health isn't for poor people.