some thoughts on being myself
Slowly, slooooowly and by accident I stumble upon what I will be this year. My fears are surely being erased as I realize that all there is to be is myself, with unimportant modification of appearance in order to “go down easier.” Or maybe even that turns out to be a lie, and there is value to my personality in maintaining a little visual respectability; there will be time for my t-shirts yet, and besides, you only live once. Live your best, and you will not have missed out.
It seems a bunch of un-called for optimism in the face of what will be a challenging, unforgiving year. I will use it to my greatest advantage, and go in like a bull in a China closet, if I no longer look like one. Objective is to be a lady and it may well be a natural effect of my own thinking, if I truly am bent that way. But I will make it obvious, if any of you have any doubts; I will smash down any pre-fabricated, defensive walls between ME vs. THE POPULATION. You have never seen this before.
Today I went to the mall to do some shopping. As I’ve been doing, I dressed up according to my standards and set off by myself, my sister having kicked me away. With my trusty Butterflies notebook, I sat down and wrote a list of the things I still needed to buy before going back to school. Sunglasses topped the list. I knew there were inexpensive accessories to be found in the likes of dollar stores. So I walked down to the Five Below and sure enough, they had a rack. Soon you will see me strolling the hill in some four dollar shades that make me look like a movie star. Next, I had wanted to get a pair of clip earrings (no holes in my earlobes). I stepped into Icing to be met by the manager declaring, “Sale on earrings today! Buy one pair get one half off!” Must be my lucky day. Kindly, she let me try on several pairs, since they were only clips, and I picked out two favorites. One pair had a big white pearl on each ear. The other had little pink roses. Together they were eleven dollars, which is more than I’d normally spend on anything so trivial, but I was kind of rewarding myself for a hard-worked summer almost over. Also, cheers to my sophomore year, I guess. Finally, I went for the most practical and critical item on my list for that day, a power strip from Radio Shack (a store I already liked, because it sounds like Radiohead, a new favorite of mine). The power strips ranged in price from ten to eighty dollars. I got a value pack containing a six outlet power strip, three outlet adapter, and extension cord. What a deal! The man who helped me was very nice; he went so far as to ask me what I was studying in college. Some people are very friendly but some people aren’t so friendly and that is why we must maintain a look to scrounge up some dignity from the reactions of those around us.
Why am I telling you the details of my day? It seems very banal and insignificant but I will tell you why it meant the world- I finally hit on the exact personality I want to show upon my return to Chestnut Hill, the perfect balance between seriousness and silliness. I felt like a lady, a very quirky and whimsical lady, but I was off taking care of things and so I was important, and grounded in such tasks that will hopefully make an easy transition to my studies. I was functioning, without losing the “fun.” I can’t hope for anything more. Now it is like my new hairstyles; I hit on the optimum once, but I must continue to experiment to achieve it consistently. Lucky for me, I have two whole weeks to do so.
In reality, however, I am just waiting for the summer to be over. Only once I am thrust into the swirling kaleidoscope of headaches and thrills will I truly be tested for my worth. I cannot BELIEVE that I still have another week of work. It’s just five days, as I have been faithfully counting down, but it is a great flaming, menacing hurdle to surmount before I get my measly week of relaxation. And then it’s back to the rollicking ride, the object of every fantasy I entertain nowadays. I’m just out in the windswept desert night watching a party going on in the distance in town. Soon that party will be real for me. And just figuratively, of course! I don’t party. The only one I attended in my freshman year was boring beyond belief. Of course, that doesn’t count my science parties, which were buckets of fun! WEEE!
It feels very good to be at peace with one’s own nature. I guess animals feel it all the time, lucky creatures. Some people are probably closer to it than others. Sometimes I feel like I’ve always been close to it. Other times I feel like I’ve always been utterly lost. Either way, it’s good to be home.