I never thought I’d like a guy with a ponytail…
Is it totally pointless or is it totally pointless to swoon over pictures/videos of a man that were taken fourteen years ago?
I bet he’s totally hideous now.
I suppose some people read history books and fall in love with powerful leaders in the past (Peter the Great!). And I suppose some people read (or write) fiction and fall in love with people who don’t even exist (oh, the ravishing Ben Briskyl!). Richard D. James both really exists, and is still alive. Somehow, that makes it harder.
Richard D. James can still judge, can still twist and completely ruin his standing with me. They won’t uncover some secret dirt about George Washington that hasn’t already been unearthed and plastered all over the history books. Richard could still meet me, and I could still meet him, and he could still find me revolting, and I could still find him disgusting. I wish everything were done with, set in stone so I won’t have to worry about it any longer. I wish Richard D. James died.
OF COURSE my lovely shall remain immortal and go down on all his gorgeous maidens like a god up on Olympus, staying beautiful forever like he was back in ’94… And he shall be perfect, and I shan’t have to worry, because he is locked up up there, never to come down like some acid trip that lasts the rest of your life. You go up, you don’t come down, and you’re a vegetable stuck in the spare room at your brother’s house for all eternity. Come on, you cunt, let’s ‘ave some Aphex acid!
I will get over him at some point. I got over David Sabogal
…and that was the ultimate test. And Dave (Matthews) was easy because I always loved him and still do, but was never in love- meaning, I was never attracted to him like I am to Richard. LET’S THINK OF ALL THE IDIOTS THAT ALIE WAS IN LOVE WITH FOR HER ENTIRE LIFE. Here it goes… Well, there was Kyle- crazy sexy rebel boy with volcano hair. He ended up with Chelsea, kind, non-threatening sweet girl who must harbor some sparkling gem of a personality, and she is pretty, but I was still baffled. I should have guessed it all along, from the moment Kyle shaved his fiery ringlets. And even before that was Chris, who I ran into at the Ice House the other night and realized that a) he is actually quite physically attractive, but I never liked him for that, and b) I must have no sexual urges whatsoever, and this whole thing with Richard is just passion for beauty, in music and in men.
Whenever I think of guys I liked, David, Kyle, and Chris are the only ones who come to mind. I forget about everybody else, even if maintaining an inkling of… I can’t even remember what I called him. They are the only ones I liked as humans, if not for who they really were (the real David… just no). Other than that, everything was a distortion. Cameron Carpenter, anyone?
This is just a silly crush, a crush on fourteen years ago, a crush on Iz-Us, a crush on headaches. I can love these things with everything in me and even the forces of the caterpillars and the lightning bugs. At least I have my caterpillars ::starts to cry:: my wonderful dancing, dancing into the night. I don’t have to worry about loving and loving back because everything is the same, and I have risen above love, and never have to worry about it again. I have risen above God. There is not love in the shark that devours a dolphin and turns the ocean red. There is just what is, love is redundant. There are just chemicals, strange and unglorious chemicals that dictate the world along with the physical forces, photons and electricity and magnetism. And this is its music. Richard knows this, so I bow down my head and worship him and worship myself because I don’t have to, I can just go for the ride around and around on the Bavarian swings, and Ryan knew this too, he learned it in the journey that I have yet to write but I have no need to now that I understand things.
Someone’s going to have to force me to finish Satellite Eyes, when I just want to deteriorate listening to Aphex all day and night.
Turn around, Richard. The universe is huge, I will catch you on some side of it someday.
But, stay with me awhile.
The sky longs for light in small flashes in the night.
In case you didn’t catch Iz-Us the first time around…
Click to viewso i wonder this is life billow, smoke inside my head