ah, nothing like egocentrism
ok, so, college. in like, a month. i can't even worry about stupid things like what i look like, making friends, or what clubs and organizations i am going to join. i have to hit the books! first of all, i have no idea how i am going to like, do math or physics or chemistry at all. my whole life i've been stupid and just pretended to be smart. i am tired of being "that stupid person over there," that "know-nothing," "dummy," "how did she pass high school math?"
i am going to take these placement tests tomorrow, and i am going to bomb them, and they're gonna be like, "what? We gave her a full ride why?" but i am still going to sign up for the following five courses: mandatory writing course, honors seminar, a math course, a chemistry course, and General Biology for Majors. If i had taken the AP course and exam in biology, and gotten a fucking three, i would have been able to skip it. but we all know my high school career was one glorious failure, and it truly is the miracle of the times that i graduated. i'm hoping for some vindication here. that i find at least one person, if only a lonely nun, to whom to tell my story and why "calculus? What's calculus?" if i had scored a little better on the SAT math, maybe i would have been able to make a case for myself, that yes i am stupid, but look, look what i did despite. but a 700ish is only smart if there's smart all around it to back it up. like my cousin with his 5s in AP calc and physics. did i mention that i can't see? i think i figured out the problem- my eyes won't focus. if i lean in close to the screen and concentrate really really hard, i can clearly read the words i am typing. but for more than two seconds this hurts. maybe that's the secret reason i haven't been reading or writing as much as i should be- it's too much effort to see the type. well i have an eye appointment on saturday. in other news, work sucks. but not as hard as it did last week. maybe that's because i had two days off, or so says Loretta. she really doesn't think i am capable at all. well, neither do i. in math and science. but god damn it, i can work with little kids! at least there's the shining hope for the future, after which i can just drop dead like my dear granny, preferably also in front of a screen, totally plugged in and chillin. this shining hope, of course, is Ryan Matth- i mean, Dave Matthews. O FUCK! did i not yet say? some amazing new writer came to the group last night. she started reading her stuff, and i'm like, OMFG she's so brilliant. and the worst part was this: her stuff was much too similar to my own stuff for comfort. i voiced my concerns in a freudian joke, and everyone was like, shut up, alie, there's no one in the world who can write like you. but the sad fact is, i am insanely competitive, and must retain my spot in the upper reaches of this group with Amy and Josh and Sara, etc. if this Sonya lady stays, i am going to have to step it up. honestly, what she wrote had: an old man, an adolescent boy, and a magic weapon. hear that? yeah. but really, she was an incredibly sweet lady. she said she was twenty seven, but she looks about nineteen. whenever a pretty young woman comes to the group, i always get my hopes up- that she'll be another Amy and be just as brilliant. it hasn't happened yet, but this Sonya was close. of course, i will cheekily admit to the possibility that i liked her stuff so much because it was so much like mine- it was, i swear! i like old men and adolescent boys, as long as they're not mr. pickford or fletch. well, i am incredibly sadly increasingly disappointed with Ira's stuff. i think he had something that worked really well, but now he's beat it and beat any substance out of it, and when he reads it sounds like he's just mumbling to himself. and he read for a long, long time last night. Cate cleared her throat several times, but he didn't get the hint. and then, Bob read his infamous Small Town Event story, the one that caused the schism in the group so long ago. it's possibly the most boring piece of literature to which i have ever been exposed. what's happening to the writers i so love? well, at least i found people with whom to attend the HP party tomorrow night, and more importantly, give me a ride, hopefully. or else i can't go. AND, i started making my yarn dolls again. i decided that i am going to use them to decorate my dorm. actually, the scheme becoming apparent for my dorm room is quite delightful. vibrant, clashing colors and geometric patterns. i bought this beauteous fuzzy blanket covered with huge multicolored polka dots. and when we raided granny's apartment, i found three rugs with multicolored checkerboards. actually, my eyes are starting to hurt and i think i am going to go pack some more, by choosing the books i am going to bring along with me and make sure they fit into no more than two of the bubble crates i bought. tomorrow i meet some of the people with whom i will spend the next four years.
i am going to take these placement tests tomorrow, and i am going to bomb them, and they're gonna be like, "what? We gave her a full ride why?" but i am still going to sign up for the following five courses: mandatory writing course, honors seminar, a math course, a chemistry course, and General Biology for Majors. If i had taken the AP course and exam in biology, and gotten a fucking three, i would have been able to skip it. but we all know my high school career was one glorious failure, and it truly is the miracle of the times that i graduated. i'm hoping for some vindication here. that i find at least one person, if only a lonely nun, to whom to tell my story and why "calculus? What's calculus?" if i had scored a little better on the SAT math, maybe i would have been able to make a case for myself, that yes i am stupid, but look, look what i did despite. but a 700ish is only smart if there's smart all around it to back it up. like my cousin with his 5s in AP calc and physics. did i mention that i can't see? i think i figured out the problem- my eyes won't focus. if i lean in close to the screen and concentrate really really hard, i can clearly read the words i am typing. but for more than two seconds this hurts. maybe that's the secret reason i haven't been reading or writing as much as i should be- it's too much effort to see the type. well i have an eye appointment on saturday. in other news, work sucks. but not as hard as it did last week. maybe that's because i had two days off, or so says Loretta. she really doesn't think i am capable at all. well, neither do i. in math and science. but god damn it, i can work with little kids! at least there's the shining hope for the future, after which i can just drop dead like my dear granny, preferably also in front of a screen, totally plugged in and chillin. this shining hope, of course, is Ryan Matth- i mean, Dave Matthews. O FUCK! did i not yet say? some amazing new writer came to the group last night. she started reading her stuff, and i'm like, OMFG she's so brilliant. and the worst part was this: her stuff was much too similar to my own stuff for comfort. i voiced my concerns in a freudian joke, and everyone was like, shut up, alie, there's no one in the world who can write like you. but the sad fact is, i am insanely competitive, and must retain my spot in the upper reaches of this group with Amy and Josh and Sara, etc. if this Sonya lady stays, i am going to have to step it up. honestly, what she wrote had: an old man, an adolescent boy, and a magic weapon. hear that? yeah. but really, she was an incredibly sweet lady. she said she was twenty seven, but she looks about nineteen. whenever a pretty young woman comes to the group, i always get my hopes up- that she'll be another Amy and be just as brilliant. it hasn't happened yet, but this Sonya was close. of course, i will cheekily admit to the possibility that i liked her stuff so much because it was so much like mine- it was, i swear! i like old men and adolescent boys, as long as they're not mr. pickford or fletch. well, i am incredibly sadly increasingly disappointed with Ira's stuff. i think he had something that worked really well, but now he's beat it and beat any substance out of it, and when he reads it sounds like he's just mumbling to himself. and he read for a long, long time last night. Cate cleared her throat several times, but he didn't get the hint. and then, Bob read his infamous Small Town Event story, the one that caused the schism in the group so long ago. it's possibly the most boring piece of literature to which i have ever been exposed. what's happening to the writers i so love? well, at least i found people with whom to attend the HP party tomorrow night, and more importantly, give me a ride, hopefully. or else i can't go. AND, i started making my yarn dolls again. i decided that i am going to use them to decorate my dorm. actually, the scheme becoming apparent for my dorm room is quite delightful. vibrant, clashing colors and geometric patterns. i bought this beauteous fuzzy blanket covered with huge multicolored polka dots. and when we raided granny's apartment, i found three rugs with multicolored checkerboards. actually, my eyes are starting to hurt and i think i am going to go pack some more, by choosing the books i am going to bring along with me and make sure they fit into no more than two of the bubble crates i bought. tomorrow i meet some of the people with whom i will spend the next four years.