(no subject)
yes, it's been some time since i've updated livejournal. in fact, i'm pretty sure i forgot about it for a few weeks. i still read everyone's entries though... i just haven't found the urge to write my own thoughts down. until now.
next tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. just writing that sentence makes me sad and i find the reality of my situation continuing to sink in for me. one year. one whole fucking year. it just seems crazy fast for a year to have flown by. during this time last year, i had just come back from vacationing in rio, to a whirlwind of a summer... which included the hardest time of my life. trying to come to terms and deal with my mom's death is the single hardest event that i continue to struggle with. my plight is daily and it has come to my attention that some people may feel as if i've been shutting people out, withdrawning from circles and society. this is simply the exact case. i'm not quite sure how to deal with my grief in this stage. it's not like it happened yesterday, where the pain was so intense that i had no choice but to cry and be emotional. i know this may sound ridiculous, but as a man, it's been difficult to process everything. i feel familial pressure to "suck it up" and "be a man." since my mom's death, i've backpacked europe, went back to classes, gained weight, graduated college, lived through the holidays, dated men, traveled more, and drank a hell of a lot. i have accomplished things and have accomplished nothing. rarely during this time have i been so emotionally where, i seek out friendships for comfort or support, though those times have happened, and i thank the people that have been around me for their strength. though i still have strong feelings, i'm numb enough now to suppress them, to look away, to pretend and make make-blieve. i live in a fantasy in my head that is so real that my reality has slipped beneath me, into this drunken mess where i'm left feeling lonely, sad, depressed, complacent, scared, worried, and a tiny bit insane; where i wake up in the middle of the night knowing that i'm in a downward spiral, heading nowhere.
i'm in need of a change. a change both internally and physically...and that change is coming soon. i've decided to move to philly, knowing full well, that if i don't do it now, it may never happen. one of my lifetime goals is to get the fuck out of michigan, and i see the opportunity for that slipping slowly away. i'm taking the plunge and hopfully, will find a peace and composure that has been lacking from me this past year... though, i doubt it. i doubt that a change of scenery will allow for complete peace... i personally, don't think i will ever find that... not now anyways. but i do believe that moving is the best option for me. i will be living my life, taking control of it, and pushing forward boldly with high goals and expectations. doing all of this around my mom's 1 year anniversary is my choice... i fully knew how difficult it would be. life is strange... i feel that if i don't allow myself to feel some negative emotions, than i'm not fully feeling life. and that has been my creed since i read carpi diem in my 10th grade english class.
to my wonderful friendships that have allowed me to distract myself from my thoughts...the people that have smoked with me, laughed with me, drank with me, lived with me, traveled with me, studied with me, loved me... thank you. thank you for allowing me to escape in one way or another. thanks for letting me escape from the dark thought that at the end of everyone's adventure, the only thing that awaits, is death.
next tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. just writing that sentence makes me sad and i find the reality of my situation continuing to sink in for me. one year. one whole fucking year. it just seems crazy fast for a year to have flown by. during this time last year, i had just come back from vacationing in rio, to a whirlwind of a summer... which included the hardest time of my life. trying to come to terms and deal with my mom's death is the single hardest event that i continue to struggle with. my plight is daily and it has come to my attention that some people may feel as if i've been shutting people out, withdrawning from circles and society. this is simply the exact case. i'm not quite sure how to deal with my grief in this stage. it's not like it happened yesterday, where the pain was so intense that i had no choice but to cry and be emotional. i know this may sound ridiculous, but as a man, it's been difficult to process everything. i feel familial pressure to "suck it up" and "be a man." since my mom's death, i've backpacked europe, went back to classes, gained weight, graduated college, lived through the holidays, dated men, traveled more, and drank a hell of a lot. i have accomplished things and have accomplished nothing. rarely during this time have i been so emotionally where, i seek out friendships for comfort or support, though those times have happened, and i thank the people that have been around me for their strength. though i still have strong feelings, i'm numb enough now to suppress them, to look away, to pretend and make make-blieve. i live in a fantasy in my head that is so real that my reality has slipped beneath me, into this drunken mess where i'm left feeling lonely, sad, depressed, complacent, scared, worried, and a tiny bit insane; where i wake up in the middle of the night knowing that i'm in a downward spiral, heading nowhere.
i'm in need of a change. a change both internally and physically...and that change is coming soon. i've decided to move to philly, knowing full well, that if i don't do it now, it may never happen. one of my lifetime goals is to get the fuck out of michigan, and i see the opportunity for that slipping slowly away. i'm taking the plunge and hopfully, will find a peace and composure that has been lacking from me this past year... though, i doubt it. i doubt that a change of scenery will allow for complete peace... i personally, don't think i will ever find that... not now anyways. but i do believe that moving is the best option for me. i will be living my life, taking control of it, and pushing forward boldly with high goals and expectations. doing all of this around my mom's 1 year anniversary is my choice... i fully knew how difficult it would be. life is strange... i feel that if i don't allow myself to feel some negative emotions, than i'm not fully feeling life. and that has been my creed since i read carpi diem in my 10th grade english class.
to my wonderful friendships that have allowed me to distract myself from my thoughts...the people that have smoked with me, laughed with me, drank with me, lived with me, traveled with me, studied with me, loved me... thank you. thank you for allowing me to escape in one way or another. thanks for letting me escape from the dark thought that at the end of everyone's adventure, the only thing that awaits, is death.