Would Be A Joy To Hear Her Say "Yes"
If i knew that everything was mutual, i wouldn't be so cautious about what was on my mind, in my heart, or what i would want to say. I'm being ever-so careful, doing the best i can in terms of communication (that is to say, mindful how much i contact her and decisive in what i say and how i choose to say it while being real and free at the same time). I've been working on some goals lately for the benefit of us both. The time called for a shift in communication and i saw an opportunity for growth. Turns out, my goals were really helpful. I planned for the goals to span a period of 2 weeks, and now that time is up. The first day after felt as if i was on the course for the 3rd week, a good place to be indeed. But tonight is different. Tonight i find myself welling up inside with wanting to share with her and be face to face, something that would obviously have to be different in reality than how i imagine it. We probably won't have the one on one time that i imagine...but when the time is right, if we take the journey far enough, it will be amazing. She cares about her loved ones so much, i am moved so much that i want to return the care to her with all i have.
It's funny. I wish i could speak with her right now, though i wouldn't know what to say. I want to see her right now, though it would have to be in a particular circumstance and i wouldn't know what i would do...except we wouldn't worry about that. We would just be light-hearted and have fun. Or, i would be perfectly content to sit in the quietness with her.
See, with the recent goals i set for myself achieved, i found that my care for her is legit indeed. The time away was used for strengthening and growth, and added a great deal of patience in me towards her. Why then is it i find myself with the desire for affection (of merely touching her face and nothing more) with her? I want to start getting to know her deeply, right now, but i keep reminding myself of the patience i gained and the goals her and i set together. I'm ok with waiting, i think it's the only way to go about it...but, i just want her to feel the same way about me the way i feel about her.
If we were on a mutual level of feelings, wants, and plans then i could share what's on my heart with her, even though it's about her. She would be the friend i go to talk to about the girl i like except she would also be the girl i like. But i don't know how deep her feelings run for me. I'm not sure she knows. Which is fine because, even though how i feel for her is legit and is thirsting to grow, i'm not sure if it's God's best for me.
It's just...i did my best to not like this girl once i realized the possibility was there. It was just too early in becoming her friend for me to start liking her, so i made sure not to let my mind wander or my heart to get too involved. I focused on the friendship and just kept it light-hearted, not stopping the connection but keeping it at bay so to speak. It wasn't easy. I kept my thoughts wise, and my thoughts on my sleeve which was ok, because it was neither obvious nor fully hidden about my feelings / intentions. In fact, my feelings for her weren't even there for quite a while, long after i wondered how she perceived my actions. She probably thought i started liking her before i actually started liking her. Yes, she suspected it off and on while i never let my heart nor mind address the question. I kept affection/romance out of the equation for as long as i could, but it eventually made itself bold and for real -- it wasn't just an attraction, it was increasing in hope...it became legit.
I almost wish i could right now have what i had several weeks ago when we were completely open about our feelings and we were on track to getting to know each other more in a romantic way. Since then, we agreed to focus more on the friendship and let the friendship fully develop; the romantic thing was honestly too much too soon. It's been easy to keep things at bay, but at times it's been really difficult to keep things inside. Tonight its difficult to do so. After we agreed to focus only on the friendship, i haven't been sure about her feelings for me. Sometimes when we talk i can't tell if she's just being a good and fun friend or if there's something more, like there used to be. This is ok, i don't think too much about it and i haven't worried much about it. The problem is i think our feelings aren't mutual. If her feelings match mine, i wanna be open enough with her that we can share things without having to suffocate it. But if i care more than she cares for me, i must change. I must be the one to make the difficult decisions to call less, be extra cautious in what i say, and try to do something with this increasing hope of wanting to get to know her so deeply. Yet, how do i go about making this change to not be attracted and to be less hopeful without her changing as well? It won't help if, for instance, i'm trying to call less and she knows this and decides to call less as well to help me out, even if its subconsciously. This will not help, it will change the natural balance of things.
It's not like if i don't change it will ruin the friendship. It would be better for her and i both (if i were at her level, though i prefer she cared as deeply for me as i do for her). I won't have to avoid certain subjects or thoughts and feelings. I can be real. It won't be easy. And it won't happen just yet. I can keep it at bay a little longer, and perhaps by then i won't have to suffocate this passion.
I guess it's hard now because i like to get to the root of things. If i'm not sure how she feels, i at least want to know why. How did her change of feelings occur? It's the uncertainty that makes me wonder...
It's funny. I wish i could speak with her right now, though i wouldn't know what to say. I want to see her right now, though it would have to be in a particular circumstance and i wouldn't know what i would do...except we wouldn't worry about that. We would just be light-hearted and have fun. Or, i would be perfectly content to sit in the quietness with her.
See, with the recent goals i set for myself achieved, i found that my care for her is legit indeed. The time away was used for strengthening and growth, and added a great deal of patience in me towards her. Why then is it i find myself with the desire for affection (of merely touching her face and nothing more) with her? I want to start getting to know her deeply, right now, but i keep reminding myself of the patience i gained and the goals her and i set together. I'm ok with waiting, i think it's the only way to go about it...but, i just want her to feel the same way about me the way i feel about her.
If we were on a mutual level of feelings, wants, and plans then i could share what's on my heart with her, even though it's about her. She would be the friend i go to talk to about the girl i like except she would also be the girl i like. But i don't know how deep her feelings run for me. I'm not sure she knows. Which is fine because, even though how i feel for her is legit and is thirsting to grow, i'm not sure if it's God's best for me.
It's just...i did my best to not like this girl once i realized the possibility was there. It was just too early in becoming her friend for me to start liking her, so i made sure not to let my mind wander or my heart to get too involved. I focused on the friendship and just kept it light-hearted, not stopping the connection but keeping it at bay so to speak. It wasn't easy. I kept my thoughts wise, and my thoughts on my sleeve which was ok, because it was neither obvious nor fully hidden about my feelings / intentions. In fact, my feelings for her weren't even there for quite a while, long after i wondered how she perceived my actions. She probably thought i started liking her before i actually started liking her. Yes, she suspected it off and on while i never let my heart nor mind address the question. I kept affection/romance out of the equation for as long as i could, but it eventually made itself bold and for real -- it wasn't just an attraction, it was increasing in hope...it became legit.
I almost wish i could right now have what i had several weeks ago when we were completely open about our feelings and we were on track to getting to know each other more in a romantic way. Since then, we agreed to focus more on the friendship and let the friendship fully develop; the romantic thing was honestly too much too soon. It's been easy to keep things at bay, but at times it's been really difficult to keep things inside. Tonight its difficult to do so. After we agreed to focus only on the friendship, i haven't been sure about her feelings for me. Sometimes when we talk i can't tell if she's just being a good and fun friend or if there's something more, like there used to be. This is ok, i don't think too much about it and i haven't worried much about it. The problem is i think our feelings aren't mutual. If her feelings match mine, i wanna be open enough with her that we can share things without having to suffocate it. But if i care more than she cares for me, i must change. I must be the one to make the difficult decisions to call less, be extra cautious in what i say, and try to do something with this increasing hope of wanting to get to know her so deeply. Yet, how do i go about making this change to not be attracted and to be less hopeful without her changing as well? It won't help if, for instance, i'm trying to call less and she knows this and decides to call less as well to help me out, even if its subconsciously. This will not help, it will change the natural balance of things.
It's not like if i don't change it will ruin the friendship. It would be better for her and i both (if i were at her level, though i prefer she cared as deeply for me as i do for her). I won't have to avoid certain subjects or thoughts and feelings. I can be real. It won't be easy. And it won't happen just yet. I can keep it at bay a little longer, and perhaps by then i won't have to suffocate this passion.
I guess it's hard now because i like to get to the root of things. If i'm not sure how she feels, i at least want to know why. How did her change of feelings occur? It's the uncertainty that makes me wonder...