Song of Autumn (4/4)

[spokes_man]

We are at Junsu’s place.

It’s been one month since that typhoon night when Yoochun came to my place and told me all the news. Since then, it all has been chaotic. I started helping them, and since then we’ve practically had to live hiding. We have been releasing every new document that arrived to our hands, from the laboratories and, lately, even from the government. Dates, petitions, signs, names. It has been a slow process, but now it was everywhere. Whatever TV channel you were watching, whatever news you were reading, they all talked about the same. News were too big, some of them even shocked us out of our breaths.

The truth is out.

We’ve learnt that after the Big Change not everything was lost. Thinking about it, it’s logical. Civilization as we know it nowadays would have been impossible to organize in such a short time if nobody would have known how to do it. I mean, our lifestyles? The studies, the shops, the canned food, the vehicles, the TV stations... nobody could create all that in just a couple of centuries, starting from zero.

The thing is, a lot of people survived the Big Change. Governments of a lot of countries were kept safe inside bunkers or flying from here to there. They saved factories, they saved samples of everything needed. They saved banks, they saved economic systems. They saved the ‘power pyramid’ to make the world continue working in their way. They thought everything would be perfect, even in the middle of such earth-changing disasters. But they didn’t think on something: pollution.

With all the earth moving and the geographic changes, a lot of factories were destroyed. Suddenly, nuclear fluids covered the earth, poisonous gases filled the skies. And that’s just a couple of examples. They suddenly saw the earth was useless, so no food could be grown there. Air couldn’t be breathed without acquiring horrible illnesses like lung cancer. Water couldn’t be drank without destroying all inner systems. Suddenly, the earth couldn’t be inhabited.

With all the money and power they had, governments paid for investigations to search solutions for all this. Some laboratories investigated how to decontaminate the earth, at least to have some people live in it. Others investigated on medical cures for the illnesses, old and new ones appearing caused by the high pollution levels everywhere.

Powerful people survived, living in special shelters and having always scientists helping them at their call.

Normal people died. With the centuries passing, genetics adapted to the ‘new world’; new humans were born more weak, and with a shorter life-span.

Powerful people saw that mankind was condemned, them included, if something wasn’t done, soon. And that’s when they opened the ‘special laboratories’.

Secretly, they’ve been experimenting with humans for decades. Adults, males, females, children. Anything. And with the pass of this decades, with government members dying and disappearing with their secrets, those laboratories became a secluded fact that few had access to.

Nowadays, only a few people in the government know about their existence.

To maintain the low profile of their actions, they decided to only experiment with orphans. Orphans on this days are pushed out of society. Since nobody can check their heritage, they are instantly branded as ‘bad genetics’. In other words, they are sure carriers of diseases or bad genes. And since they are pushed out of society and considered a ‘defective’ human, it was perfect to use them for those horrible experiments. Nobody would miss them.

There is where we come in. They weren’t searching for us, just for a cure for some diseases, or trying different drugs’ effects in a human body. But then they checked Yoochun, and saw his body was in a great condition. They saw his blood was clean of illnesses, his organs working quiet perfectly. And then they tried all the others, and obtained similar or better results. They suddenly stroke gold. Bodies working perfectly, bodies healthy to study and learn from and copy to create drugs, medicines, or as in the end they decided to do, new organs to transplant.

And then there was me.

Seems I am a mixed person. I have asian genes, and european genes. Seems I have the best of both races. Seems my body is the healthier they have ever seen. Seems I am a human exactly like they were before the Big Change. Suddenly, I was their salvation.

We are watching the TV. There’s a debate going on. Some people sitting on one side are horrified and exclaiming how can people allow this nightmare to happen. How can they let those laboratories continue working, knowing what they are doing. How can we continue keeping our government, when they’ve lied to us for so long.

The other side says this is how things are. The other side says that if those laboratories keep working, we maybe will find a way to stop dying so young. The cure to all the health problems humans are having nowadays.

They yell, and discuss, and almost punch each other’s faces. We are all sitting at the couch, in different levels of desperation. The world knows everything, why aren’t they acting? It’s not only at the Pan-Asian sector, Pan-American sector and European sector know it too. Why aren’t they stopping this? I stand up, too fed up and tired of everything, and walk towards the door.

“Jaejoong? Where are you going?” Junsu asks from his place at the couch. He is much better. We’ve had to deal with horrible withdrawal attacks for long weeks, but now there’s not a trace of drugs left on his system, even if there are a couple of new fresh long scars on his abdomen that we try to ignore as much as possible.
“I need some air”
“Can’t you just open the window? It’s full day now...,” Yoochun’s voice is worried. Of course it is. We’re keeping a low profile, since we know we’re being looked for. The part of the government who’s involved in this scandal is really pissed off, and they’re hunting us unsparingly. I moved out of my place, and Yoochun did too. Junsu left his ‘family’ after knowing he had been sold by them, and got this small flat in the poor part of the city.
“I’ll be careful?” I almost beg. They know I need my space, my air.
“... ok. Take your phone!”
“Sure” And I’m out.

Even if it’s midday, the sky is black. Since that first typhoon a month ago, we’ve been hit by heavy rains every now and then. Weather is changing and menacing, and everybody walks nervously, not really daring to think what could happen if this continues. With the weather and our ‘tip’ with all the secrets revealed to the media, society was living in chaos.

I put my beanie down on my head, covering my hair. Sunglasses cover my eyes. It’s weird to wear them with such a dark sky, but I prefer to seem a lunatic than someone recognizing me. I breathe deeply and walk down the street. There are posters hanging on the walls with truths written in angry handwriting everywhere. Different truths, and calls for an uprising. I smile. We’re creating a revolution. We’re making the world wake up, react. Change. I hear a thunder, and shiver when cold wind moves my jacket. Adjusting my beanie I look forwards on the street. There’s not much people at all, only a couple of kids running, surely home, and a couple of tall men walking in front of me.

I look at them. I stare. Something is nagging on my mind, something is familiar. One is taller than the other, and walks with a small limping. Both are thin, but look fit under their clothes, and sport stylish haircuts. I study them for a while as I walk behind them, feeling like a stalker. Both seem young, and are really well dressed. Leather shoes, fitting slim pants, leather jackets and coats. I sigh. I don’t know why I am studying them like this, seems I’m more bored than I thought. I plan on going back to Junsu’s place, since I tried my luck for long already, when the shorter of the two men turns a little to talk to the taller and I see his profile. Time stops.

It’s Yunho. That man is Yunho. His hair is way shorter than he had it before, and darker. His face looks thinner, more angled, stronger. But it’s him, it’s him right there in front of me, and he is alive and looks fine. Before I notice what’s happening, I’m running to him. He turns, I think I’ve called his name. Both of them turn, and the taller man is Changmin. Oh gods, they’re here, they’re here. I run faster, and in a second I’m holding him, my face buried in his neck, breathing deeply. It’s his scent, he smells the same. I smile, and laugh, and hug him closer to me. I am asking something, yelling something, I’m overjoyed, unbelievably happy. And then I notice it: he is not hugging me back. I pull my head back, and look at him, still smiling.

“Who are you?” It’s his voice, yes. Exactly his same voice, But those cannot be his words.
“W-what? Are you joking?” I ask, still smiling. He is so silly! “After all this time that’s how you greet me?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.” He pushes me apart from him, carefully. Completely as if I was an stranger.
“But... Yunho?” Heart beating totally out of rhythm, I look at Changmin “Min, what’s up with him?”
“Excuse me sir, I don’t know how you know our names, but...,” Changmin says, and then I understand it, and laugh.
“Idiots! You cannot recognize me with a beanie and a pair of sunglasses? It’s me, Jaejoong!” I grab Yunho again, but he keeps me at a distance, now holding me with more strength. I frown. “What...,”
“I don’t know any Jaejoong. You are mistaking us with someone else, or something. I’m sorry, but we must go.” He lets go of me, says something to Changmin, and both of them turn and continue walking. I am dumbfounded for a couple of seconds, then I keep on calling him. He is here, he is here, and he can’t go away again. This is a joke and it isn’t funny anymore. He can’t go away, he knows who I am, of course he does.

I go after them, and grab him, and beg him, and ask him. He gets angrier and angrier. Changmin tells me to stop, pushes me away. I fall on the ground, and look at them both. What is this, what is happening? That’s my Yunho, that’s him. Why isn’t he recognizing me?

“Yunho, please...,” I beg.




“Look, I’ve tried to be nice, but can you go the fuck away? I don’t know you, I never did, and I don’t want to!!” They turn and walk down the street, in a hurry now. I call him, I stand up and try to walk after them, but a couple of hands grabbing my shoulders stop me. I turn, and there’s Junsu.
“Hyung, let them go...,”
“What? How can, what... it’s Yunho, how...,” I can’t form a coherent sentence, I just know he is there, getting away from me, as if I was nothing for him, a nobody in his life.
“Hyung... I think they’ve... erased their memories, again”. And it downs on me. Of course. They’ve been there, again. Of course, of course. I fall, kneeling on the floor, and punch it. Again and again and again. Junsu is yelling at me to stop, trying to make me stand, grabbing me from my chest. But the rage is blinding me . They’ve erased me from Yunho’s mind. They’ve removed all our memories from Yunho’s mind. My fist is numb, but I keep on punching the pavement. Fuck the world, fuck everything. Without Yunho, nothing has sense anymore. Without Yunho, I have no more reasons to go on. Fuck, damn it all. My whole arm is numb, and I think I’m yelling, and I’m not sure if there are tears in my eyes or not. I am lost. I’ve lost all the hope, all the reasons. I am emptied so fast that I suddenly feel nauseous, sick, weak.

Last thing I see are rain drops wetting the pavements. All goes black.

I wake up to the sound of pouring rain. Sounds I am more than used to, now. I stay in bed, eyes locked on the ceiling, mind off.

It’s been one year and eight months.

One year and eight months since that fateful day when I saw Yunho and Changmin walking down the street. One year and eight months since my life lost its sense.

I roll on bed, not wanting to wake up and face another day of meaningless nothing. Everything has been so hard... Junsu, Yoochun and I are living together now. They basically keep an eye on me, since they are scared I’ll do something ’stupid’. I don’t blame them, since I’ve been considering those things not stupid at all. My life is dull and painful, I don’t see any sense to keep with it.

I have no family, I have no friends apart from Junsu and Yoochun. I can’t go to the university since I’m still considered a ‘rebel’, and hunted by everywhere. I can’t work, I can’t gain money. Our only incomes are from other rebels who somehow joined our cause and help us surviving. I have no future. Damn, I have no present. I almost have no past.

Why am I still here? I ask this day after day. I don’t like this world, I don’t like this life. I don’t like who I’ve become. Yes, we’re fighting. Yes, we’re changing things. But everything is so slow, so painful... and I’m not really needed. Yoochun and Junsu could perfectly succeed without me. But I am ‘the face’, they say. I am the one who was really tortured, the one who would have been the final ‘sacrifice’ for those bastards. And people looks up to me. People recognizes me, and uses me as a ‘symbol’ to fight for.

Great. I just want to disappear, and the world made me a revolutionary banner.

I groan and roll on bed again, when someone opens the door to my room so fast I think it’s out of it’s hinges.

“Jaejoong!!!” Junsu’s high pitched voice yells inside my room “Jaejoong, wake up!!!”
“What the hell, Junsu?” I complain and cover my head with the sheets. I don’t want to face the world yet.
“Jaejoong, Jaejoong, come out!! We did it, we did it!!!” He is suddenly next to my bed, throwing my sheets away and tugging me from my arm. I try to complain, but he doesn’t stop pulling. “Come on, come on, we made it!!!”
“What have we made??” I ask annoyed. I hear Yoochun yelling something from the living room, but I don't’ understand what in the middle of Junsu’s screeches.
“The laboratories!!! They’ve closed them!! Everybody goes to jail!!!” My eyes are wide open, and before I know it I’m running to the living room. Yoochun is there, remote control of the TV in hand, eyes shining with unshed tears. He turns to me and smiles widely.
“Hyung, we did it!” He whispers emotively. I watch the TV, volume almost all the way up.

‘...the extremist side of the political power has resigned too, not being able to confront the accusations done by the media and the population. The arrested members of the government will pass to justice hands in...’ the TV reporter is saying.

“What... what...,” My brain is probably frozen, this is too much and I just woke up!
“Hyung, the government has resigned!! Well, the ones at fault. The actual mayor and their team have achieved warrant for those fuckers! They’re all going to be judged, hyung!” Yoochun tells excitedly, and Junsu joins us.
“They’ve closed the laboratories, fired all the people who had no idea what they were really doing there, and arrested everybody else! It all happened this morning, we’ve just know!!” Junsu exclaims. He is crying. “We’ve made it hyung, it’s over! The nightmare it’s over!!” He hugs me. Yoochun hugs us both. I don’t know what to feel.

Next couple of days are weird. We celebrate, drink beer that other ‘rebels’ bring for us. They congratulate us, they hug us. The words I hear most are ‘it’s over’. Yoochun and Junsu are happy, really happy. I am happy too, but... there’s something missing. Someone missing. Nothing is ‘over’. The nightmare is still happening for me.

I walk on the street, cause now we more or less can do it freely. We’re still suspicious and scared, but little by little we try to go back to being ‘normal’ people. It’s raining, but I have my umbrella with me, and I don’t care. I walk towards the port. Probably not a good idea in such a downpour, but I want to see the sea. I want to see the huge concrete barriers that stop the sea rage from destroying the city. I want to see the grey sky melting into one with the grey waters. I want to feel the breeze, smell the sea, taste the salt.

With sure steps, and trying to control my chaotic mind, I hurry. I’m sure once I hear the waves everything will calm down a little, and things will have sense again. I should be happy, I should be really happy. I want to be happy. But I miss him. I miss them both so much, I can’t continue anymore. I talk about them nonstop, I write of them. If I hear a song, it’s talking about them. If I see a movie, it reminds me of them. If I read a book, they are there. Damn, I dream about them so often... I need them. I need him.

I turn a corner and someone bumps into me.

“Oh, sorry!” I turn to say it’s ok, but no words leave my mouth. I kind of feel like laughing. There I was, sinking in my pain of losing him, and here he is, right in front of me. Yunho frowns when I give him no answer. “Are you ok?”
“No, I am not” I smile to him. It’s so painful, so much. He is here, looking right into my eyes, and still he doesn’t know who I am.
“Did I hurt you?” He asks hurriedly. Oh, such a gentleman. He has always been so caring towards everybody.
“Yes. Yes, you’ve hurt me. Deeply” He looks weirdly into me, and I laugh. It’s so absurd. Then I cry, my heart ripping me open again.
“Oh damn, what happens?” He puts one hand on my shoulder and bends his head, trying to look at my face, our umbrellas knocking into each other. I am crying, but I smile up to him.
“Sorry, it’s nothing. I’m not feeling well, that’s all. Sorry for... interrupting your way” And I sob louder, cause I notice what I am doing. I am letting him go. I am acting as if I was an stranger to him, so he can go and continue his life. He doesn’t remember me, what should I fight for?. Just let him go Jaejoong, and at least one of you will be happy.
“I can’t leave you like this now... come, I’ll pay you some coffee?” He asks, so gently, so caring. I shake my head.
“Please, please no. Just go, just...,” I am shaking. I want to push him, but I want to hold him close too. His gloved hand is warm on my shoulder, his voice caresses my senses, his presence makes comforts me. Oh gods, I miss him so much.
“Sure? I don’t mind....,”
“Please.” Please go, please let me breathe. You are killing me Yunho, you are killing me being so nice with me, not remembering me.
“Ok...,” He walks away, looking back at me, until he turns the corner.

I cry. I cry like I’ve never cried before. Everything hurts, every single part of my body. He is gone, now he is really gone. And I’ve been the one pushing him away. Why, why? My umbrella falls, I have no strength anymore. I lean on the wall, and still my legs fail me. Sitting on the floor, head buried between my knees, one arm over my head, the other just lying lifeless on the ground. I’m crying so hard my chest is shaking, but I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him. Now, It’s over.

Suddenly I don’t feel rain falling on me anymore, but I still hear it all around. Maybe I am finally going crazy. Who cares. Who cares about anything now. My heart is clenching and asphyxiating me. I am sinking in desperation, and I don’t think this time I can continue. I’ve been strong, I’ve fought so much... but I really can’t anymore.

“Hey” Someone says. I don’t care, I am not here anymore.”Hey, you’re soaked.”




“Who cares,” I manage to say between sobs. Go away, leave me, let me disappear.
“Come on, let me help you,” I look up, he is here. He is back.
“Yunho...,” I see him frowning, but I am already throwing myself in his arms. “Yunho, Yunho,”
“How do you know my name?” I cry in his arms. Please, kill me now. Kill me here. I don’t want to face more days without him, I can’t. I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting. Let me vanish here, in his arms.

I’m not sure what happens next, I think I’ve momentarily lost my mind. I know I’m crying, and repeating his name, and I feel really weak and dizzy. I feel his arms around me, strong, and I think we’re moving but I’m not sure.

Next thing I know, we’re inside a huge flat, in the biggest living room I’ve ever seen. I’m sitting on a couch, and there’s a towel on my head. I look around, disoriented, not knowing how I arrived here. I touch my cheeks; I am not crying anymore, but I feel my eyes puffy. My throat is sore, and I have a horrible headache, again. My clothes are soaked and clinging to my skin in a disgusting way. I try to stand up, but get really dizzy. Closing my eyes, I rest back on the couch.

“You ok?” I open my eyes instantly and turn. Yes, there is Yunho, with some clothes in his hand. I get really dizzy from turning my head so fast, and groan while closing my eyes and laying down on the couch. “Hey hey, do you need something? Water?”
“What... what am I doing here?” My voice sounds weird, probably from the bawling and the cold.
“This is my place. We were close, and you were... well, you needed help.” He puts the clothes next to me “You can change into that.”
“Why are you helping me? You don’t... even know me.” I gulp. It hurts.
“I don’t know. You looked really bad, there on the floor, crying like that” I look somewhere else. What a good image you’ve given him, Jaejoong. Bravo.
“Still, I am a stranger, you shouldn’t risk yourself like this”
“Are you a stranger? You know my name, though,” He looks at me intently.
“Ah, oh, well...,” I don’t know what excuse to give. My mind is in serious damage.
“Do we know each other? You seem familiar.” My heart stops for a second, until I think of the most normal reason.
“Maybe you’ve seen me on TV? My student photo has been there quite a lot, lately.” I smile dejectedly.
“Hmm, I wonder. But I don’t watch much TV. No, it’s not that. You look familiar in some other kind of way...,” My heart is going to beat out of my chest, suddenly. Could it be? “Oh well, go and change. You’re going to get sick if not!” He points to a door and tells me where the bathroom is. I go, reluctantly.

On my way I try to calm down. There’s millions of reasons why I could look familiar to him. A million. And none of them have to do anything with him remembering me. So calm down, Jaejoong, calm down! You don’t need more hope to be crushed.

I find the bathroom and marvel at how huge it is. Whatever Yunho’s life is right now, it’s a good one. It saddens me to think I know nothing of how his life is right now. What he does, who are his friends, is he in... love? I shiver and get changed fast, and out of the bathroom even faster.

Back in the living room, Yunho is standing next to the window, looking at the rainy sky. Gods, he is so handsome... he looks healthy. Taller, more fit. I can see his shirt getting tight thanks to his back and arms’ muscles. His hair is even shorter than the last time I saw him, but deep black now. It suits him.

Before I can continue studying him, he turns and meets my eye.

“Oh, they more or less fit. Good.” He smiles, and I painfully melt on the place. “Want something warm to drink?”
“Oh no no, it’s ok. Don’t bother.” I half smile at him, and find him staring intently at my face. “W-what?”
“Nothing, sorry,” He turns and walks away from the window. “Oh, by the way, what’s your name? You know mine, but I have no idea about yours, and that’s unfair.” He smiles again. It’s not that brilliant smile I love so much, but it’s close to it. This is killing me, and I need to get out of here.
“Uhm, Jaejoong. Look, it’s so nice of you to do this, but I should,”
“Jaejoong?” He is frowning, and looking at the floor. “Jaejoong...,”
“Eh, yes. Well, can I go now?”
“You certain we don’t know each other?”
“Sure, certain. So, I’m leaving now, ok? I’ll get your clothes back to you, somehow...,”
“Eh? Oh, don’t mind, you can keep them!” He walks close to me and grabs my wet clothes “I’ll put this in a bag for you, ok?”
“There’s no need, really!” I grab my clothes, and look at him. He meets my eyes, and frowns. I am nervous, he looks weird. His pupils moving fast between my eyes, as if searching something. “eh, Yunho?” He suddenly clenches his eyes, and groans. “Yunho!?” He falls with one knee to the ground, one hand grabbing my shirt while the other grabs his head.
“J-jaejoong?” He opens one eye, looks at me, groans again, and falls to the floor, unconscious.

I am beyond hysteric.

Startled, I wake up. I am sweating and breathing heavily. A nightmare? I look around, and recognize my room. Running a hand down my face, I breathe deeply and stand up, all intent on going to my bathroom, when a little pain starts in my head. I think for a second, the pain is gone. Yes, I had an horrible headache. Maybe this is some residual pain? I ran fingers through my hair, frowning, and then for a second, stop breathing. Oh gods, oh gods what is this. My head is suddenly filled with so many things, so many images. Memories. They are memories.

I sit down on the bed, dizzy and wide eyed. Memories... Memories of my childhood, of being parent-less with my younger brother, of being taken into a weird looking place with green grass and grey windows... the laboratories, the kids, my friends, the escape, the memory loss, the new life... everybody remembering, except me. The capture, the new life... oh gods, oh gods. Jaejoong. Jaejoong, Jaejoong. Oh gods, I had forgotten Jaejoong. I grab my head and feel my heart beating painful beat after painful beat. Did I? Did I really forget him? For how long, for... oh gods. How could I?

My mind is a mess. Three different lives are suddenly mixing together, and I have to make sense of all of them. This is probably the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s like someone is pressing me against the ground, not letting me breathe or move. And my heart is killing me. I forgot Jaejoong, the one I promised the world to. I need to calm down, I need to put some order and think...

I remember then. The boy I met on the street, the one who said was not ok and cried. The one who somehow I couldn’t stop looking at, or leaving behind. I gasp, and tears form effortlessly in my eyes. What have I’ve done to you, Jaejoong?

I stand up and run out of the room, into the living room. Please, tell me he is still here, please...

He is. He is sitting on the floor, head between his knees, back against the wall. Oh gods, how much I’ve hurted you? He looks up, surely he’s heard me enter.

“Oh, Yun...Yunho-sshi, you’re up,” I’ve seen it Jae, I’ve seen how difficult it’s been for you to say that ‘sshi’.
“Jaejoong...,” I walk to him, and he stands, smiling brokenly. My heart hurts even more looking at the broken face of the one I love so much...
“You ok? You collapsed back there...,” I hug him. I hug him close and tight. “Yunho?? W-what?” I’ve made you so afraid, so unsure...
“I’m so sorry, Jae, so sorry,” I feel him tense in my arms. “I remember now.”
“what,” His voice is so tiny, his body is shaking. I hold him even closer.
“I remember. Everything. From the laboratories to our student life, to our rescue of Junsu... I remember you, my Jae,” His hands are grabbing my clothes, and he is shaking in my arms. I can hear his sobs, and I caress his hair, his soft blonde hair that I love so much. “I’m so sorry love, I’m so sorry”
“Yunho,”

We cry in each others arms for a while. I cry in shame, knowing how much I’ve hurt him, how lonely I’ve left him for so long. He clenches my clothes, he hugs me so tight I can’t almost breathe, but I don’t care. I don’t care. I need to show him I’m here, I’m back. I’m in his arms, and he is in mine, and everything is ok again.

I kiss him. I kiss him with desperation and need, and he answers with fear, but then with longing and need and love. With so much love my heart is going to explode. I break the kiss, it’s just too much too fast. Too much things filling my head, too much feelings flooding my heart. He caresses my face and kisses it, and I hug him close to me. My legs are shaking, and his legs are weak. I walk us both to the couch, and sit there, him sitting on my lap, still kissing me.




“I’ve missed you so much. You are so mean, so mean,” He whispers in between kisses.
“Yes, I am. I’m sorry love.”
“You forgot me, you forgot me,”
“I am so sorry, love, I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” My Jaejoong leans back, away from my face and my kisses, and frowns at me.
“Are you crazy? Now that you’re back, I’m not letting you go away ever again.” He half smiles, face covered in tears, but his eyes are alive again. His gorgeous turquoise eyes, bright, clear, looking at me with so much love and adoration. I grab his face and kiss his lips again, deep and strong, trying to put there all the words I cannot say: I’m sorry, I love you so much. I’m sorry, I’m never leaving you again. I’m yours. I’m yours.

He surrounds my shoulders with his arms in such a possessive way that makes me smile tenderly. He is pressing himself against me, kissing me deeper and more desperately, as if wanting to devour me. I indulge. Actually, I don’t mind at all. I’ve made him suffer, I’ve hurt him. I want him to know I’m here for real, to reassure him. And it’s not like I don’t enjoy this.

He is kissing my jawline now, and I lean back on the couch, my hands running down his back. His kisses wander everywhere, worshipping my face and neck and collarbones. It feels wonderful, to have him here, to have his lips on my skin again. I capture those warm lips with mine, my hands sinking under the sweater he is wearing, (which is actually mine). He sighs against my lips, and it feels heavenly. I look into his eyes, waiting until he opens them and finds my gaze, and words aren’t needed. He just nods and pecks my lips, and before another second passes I am raising my hands, palms caressing his warm skin. The sweater rolling up, uncovering millimeter after millimeter of skin, slowly, teasingly. He leans backwards so I can take the piece of cloth off, and once said thing is lying on the floor, I am greeted with a delightful sight.

His blond hair disheveled, covering one of his half-closed eyes. His lips parted, red and ravished from all the kissing. His breathing shallow. His skin pale, too pale, but still creamy-looking, and warm, and inviting. His waist is so thin, and he looks thinner than the last time I saw him... but still, he is a sight to behold. Gorgeous beyond words. I run my hands up and down his abdomen and chest, marvelling at the smooth skin, the soft raising of his chest when he inhales, the shivers covering his skin when I get close to his nipples. I want to possess him. I want to make him mine forever, so none of us can ever forget the other again.

“What are you waiting for?” He breathes out huskily. I look up, back at his eyes.
“Baby, we’ve just met again; maybe we’re too emotionally moved, maybe we should...,”
“Yunho, I’ve been living without you for almost two years, not knowing anything about you. I need you now, I want you. I need to feel you...,” He is practically begging. And who am I to deny anything to the man that I adore? I’ve already denied him for too long.
“Your wish is my command.”

I grab him in my arms and lift him, standing up from the couch. He buries his head in my shoulder and surrounds my waist with his legs. Carefully, I carry him to my bedroom (too slow for our almost gone patience), and lay him on the bed, carefully, as if with devotion. He doesn’t let go of me, and kisses my neck and my lips while tugging my shirt with desperation. I understand and oblige, taking my shirt off. He is staring, enthralled, but I don’t mind. I want him to stare, to memorize every part of me.

“You’re so gorgeous,” He breathes, caressing my naked torso, tickling me.
“Look who’s talking” I hover over him and capture his addictive lips again.

He clings to me, tightly. I kiss him, deep. The tempo increases, our nerves accelerating us. Before we really notice, we’re both completely naked over the sheets. He is breathing so fast, and so am I. He’s so beautiful... I explore his skin with my lips and let my fingertips play with the warmth of his body. He shivers and sighs, and even if my heart is beating out of its cage I don’t want to speed this up. It’s our first time together, after loving each other for our whole lives, after everything that happened; after leaving Jaejoong alone for so long. I don’t want to rush this and regret it. No. Tonight, I’m making love to him with fondness. Tonight, I’m giving him my whole self, completely. I’m making him feel loved, and needed. I’m making him forget every bad memory I’ve given to him in this past years. I’m asking for his forgiveness, and winning the right to own his heart again.

And as I slowly become one with him, small tears appear at the corner of his eyes. I kiss them away, and kiss his nose and his lips. I move with care, listening to his breathing, to each one of his sounds, his groans, his moaning, his soft whimpers, treasuring them and memorizing them to heart.

I marvel at the feeling of being inside him. At the slow dance we are performing, tangled, breathing each other. His lips never leaving my skin, his hands never letting me go. It’s so intimate, so wonderful to share this feelings with him, that I feel like crying in joy. And as our movements increase their speed, pulse accelerating and limbs tightly entangled, slowly reaching the climax of such a beautiful dance, I see small drops sprinkling on Jaejoong’s chest; tears of joy.

Because I have his heart back. I own it again. He’s here in my arms, forgiving, never giving our love up. And I don’t want to forget anything, not even a single one of his sighs ever again.

“It all feels like a dream, you know?” Yunho’s voice rumbles inside his chest, where I am resting my head right now. We’re both lying on his bed, naked under the sheets. He is running his hand up and down my sweaty arm, and my hand is resting on his tight abdomen. I feel calm, content. I am so happy I can’t even believe it.
“It does. I’m afraid of waking up now back in the nightmare” He kisses my crown.
“You’re not going back there anymore, I am here with you again” I sigh and hug him.
“Yes, you are” I run my index finger down his ischium, where a small scar breaks the cinnamon colored skin. “What did they do to you?” I notice I just said that out loud, and freeze for a second when I feel his hand not caressing me anymore.
“Do we really have to talk about that, now?” He breathes shakily, and I mentally slap myself from reminding him of those horrors when we should be just basking in bliss.
“Of course not, sorry love,” I kiss his chest and feel him relax.
“You know what happens there; you’ve seen my new marks, for sure...,” He continues nonetheless, quietly “At least, since you spread all that info, they had to let us go ‘for a while’ to avoid suspicion. Changmin and I have been living a good life, with good jobs and good money they provided us as a cover up, and that I am so going to take advantage of now that they’re gone for good” His hand resumes caressing me; I sigh contented.
“I’m glad I could do something for you.”
“In a way, you’ve saved me. Saved us both.” Yunho kisses my crown of hair again.

I’ve saved them. I relish those words, and feel my chest expand. Proud, happy. I feel useful, I feel like I did change something important. I feel like things have a sense and a goal, again.

“Are you ok, Jae?” He suddenly asks, and I lift my face to look at his eyes.
“Of course I am. Better than ever.” I smile, and he smiles back “Why?”
“Well, humm, you know..,.” He blushes. I grin. “It’s been quite... stressful. No? Meeting me, me remembering, us making love...,” He blushes even more, and I can’t stop myself from kissing his lips. He’s just so adorable.
“I won’t deny I am exhausted, but don’t worry, I’ve never felt better in my life.” He looks at me with such fondness that I feel like screaming out my luck and my happiness to the world. Instead, I just sigh when he kisses me back.
“Let’s sleep then?” He moves a little until I am comfortably lying with his arms around me, head resting back on his chest.
“Ok. Be here when I wake up.” Yunho hugs me closer and kisses my head.
“I won’t ever go anywhere again. I swear” I close my eyes.
“Ah!” His sudden exclamation startles me “I forgot!” I feel him moving his arms away from me, and raise my head trying to find what he is doing. Leaning on my elbows, I raise my upper body. “Here it is” Yunho offers me his hand, palm up, and I see a silver band in there. My ring. I am speechless. “I’ve always had it with me, even when I didn’t remember where I got it from. I never took it off.” He smiles proudly. “Now, as I promised, I’ll give it back to you.” Grabbing my left hand, lifting it a little, he puts the silver band on my ring finger.

I look at the ring for a while. It feels as if something has closed, something that was unfinished has now arrived to the end of the path. As if we’ve gone all the way around the circle, and are meeting again when it closes. It’s an end to the pain, and a start to a new attempt.

Hugging him, kissing him, I repeat how thankful I am and how much I love him. I don’t cry. No more tears, not even happy ones. I’m starting this new path with him with a big smile on my face.

And with his soft hands caressing my naked back, I fall asleep more comfortably than I ever did before.

We are sitting at the roof on a cold autumn day, watching the sunset.

There’s a lot of noise everywhere. People shouting, chanting. Things falling, breaking. The streets are crowded under us; people running, people painting the walls, people hanging banners from windows.

The fact that we are more or less fine doesn’t mean that others came out of all this unscathed or willing to accept it.

It’s revolution.

Chaos is everywhere. My heart, however, is calmer than ever.

Jaejoong is sitting next to me at the edge of the roof. Our legs are hanging free, our hands are tightly holding each other. Since the day I recovered my memories, I haven’t let go of him for a second; everywhere he has gone, I’ve gone too. I promised him, and I have every intention of keeping that promise, without failures this time.

Junsu is ‘whoo’ing somewhere behind us, surely cheering at the passing crowds. Once my memories came back, I talked to him, asked him how he was. He’s been having some after effects from the drugs for all this time. Sometimes it’s like his head is not right where it should be; other times, he goes mad with rage. He seems to be experiencing some kind of loss of short-term memory, and has developed a weird monophobia, panicking if he thinks he’s going to be left alone. Still, he is the same piece of a dork he’s always been in general, and is always trying to make us laugh. Yoochun doesn’t leave him alone at any second; probably, he feels guilty.

Yoochun...; it’s been difficult to deal with him. I blamed him for everything, when I could remember. I know he is not the real culprit or anything, but... I don’t know. I think I just needed some scapegoat, and all the fingers pointed to him. After all, he lied to us. He never forgot, he was just keeping us ‘in shape’ until the time those mad men would come and reap us. I also blamed him for Junsu’s capture, since he was the one who warned Su’s ‘family’ about the memory recovery. And for my brother and mine’s. And for Jaejoong’s despair. So, yes, it was not easy to deal with him. Jaejoong has been talking to me, letting me see how Yoochun suffered the same, or even more than us. How he only did what he did because he thought he could help us when the time came. How he also had been furious at Yoochun, but had seen reason in the end. Slowly, but steadily, I’m calming and accepting it. He is a good friend, after all. I just need perspective, and time.

Changmin is sitting at my other side. He hasn’t remembered yet. He knows I’m his brother (or so we think, since we’ve never really met our real parents; but I really feel like he is blood of my blood, after all), he knows what’s happening, and he accepts it. He accepts the other three around, and understand his memories have been erased. He accepts all the truths more bravely than I did the first time they told me about it. I’m so proud of him; he has faced everything with his head up, open-minded with everybody and ready to accept whatever comes his way. Couldn’t ask for a better brother. I just hope that when his time of remembering comes, I’ll be by his side to help him with the pain and the confusion.

A light rain falls upon us. Jaejoong squeezes my hand.

“It’s raining again” He whispers, gazing at the grey clouds.
“It rains almost daily” I answer. And it’s true: heavy rains, downpours, light drizzle. In whatever format, it keeps raining. The world is scared, they fear something big is coming, a huge natural catastrophe like it hasn’t happened in decades in this side of the world.

We should be scared too. Maybe. Well, we are not. The worst has already passed.

“Hyungs, I’m hungry!” Junsu yells from the other side of the roof.
“Go eat something, no one is stopping you.” Changmin answers coldly, but we know better. There it is; as soon as Junsu complains, my brother smirks. It has become something natural for them both, to annoy one another, to laugh about each other. From time to time, when Yoochun feels carefree enough, he joins, changing the selected battle side each time. I must admit it’s pretty entertaining to watch.
“I’m hungry too, actually” Jaejoong puts a hand on his stomach, rubbing it, and looks at me with big shining eyes, hair getting wet and plastered to his forehead. He looks so cute and charming that I can’t avoid to indulge myself with his delectable lips for a couple of seconds.
“Let’s go catch something, then”

Surrounded by them, with Jaejoong holding my hand, we move downstairs. We are not ok, and we won’t be for a while but, yes; at least the worst has passed.




FIN.

a/n: This was a long journey XD Original idea was sooo different you would be amazed (it was supposed to be an hystorical fic based on ancient Korea XDDD IMAGINE! XDD) But then this crossed my mind and I always liked sci-fi and... welll, this monster was born. All in all it was an excuse to participate at the bb this year being sure there would be YunJae to illustrate XD

Hope you enjoyed it!

a/n2: Shameless promotion! Check my illustrated YunJae wall calendar for 2012 ♥

♦ Here the info
♦ Here to pre-order

Thank you!