(no subject)
I have been thinking. I am very upset that while I was in labor and my contractions had stopped, Harmony, my mom, Jason, everyone basically, was in the living room talking. They were discussing transferring to the hospital, what would happen there, etc. I walked in and they kinda hushed, then my mom said something and they started talking about it with me. I told my mom recently I was angry that they were so deceitful and went behind my back like that. She said Harmony could tell I was getting upset and she didn't know how to approach me. Part of me wants to talk to Harmony about this. I don't know what I would say, I just feel like she was such a huge role in the way things turned out, that she didn't give me a choice, she made up her mind what needed to be done and as she said to me was waiting for me to "come to terms with the fact" that I needed to transfer. I feel like she should have taken a step and maybe asked if there was another doctor able to take me after dr heortz said I was a trainwreck and he had to save her mess. I feel like she shouldn't have sat quietly in the room while the doctor told me this is what had to be done, and that I needed this monitor and that monitor. I feel like she should have done more and not just stood there letting all my dreams go to the operating room. I feel a bit unjustified in being angry at her or feeling that she didn't do her job, but part of me says, YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY! I just don't know. I need to talk about this. Maybe a therapist would be a good idea. I wis I could wake up and feel great about what happened. I wish I could lie to myself, not cry and feel like a failure. I wish I could have my memory erased, only having pictures to look back on. In the pictures, I see myself throughout labor, then next thing you know, there is my son, all cute and white. I wish I could pretend like ebverything went perfect. Even more so, I wish I didn't have 4 months of recovery. Why is it that so many women say they aren't traumatized and those that are are selfish, yet they get to heal from their c-sections in 2 weeks, yet I was sad, depressed and disappointed, and I had an open wound for 4 months. How is that fair?? Why couldn't the fucking happy ones get the long drawn out fucking healing time?? Why did I have to suffer emotionally and physically?? It just doesn't make sense, and it isn't fucking fair. I swear, if one more person says I was lucky to get the c-section to avoid pain, I might fucking explode, killing us both. 4 fucking months of an open wound that I had to clean and sutff with gauze is far from a breeze. I would take 18 labors in a row, with tearing and 8 headed babies coming out then have to fucking go through one c-section. Too late for that one, but a second, never. I can't do it. It is worth the risk, because I want another child, but I am not going to say that I need a c-section because I had one already. The risks are too high?! Oh yeah, c-sections are a walk in the fucking park. You heal really fast, the pain goes away pretty quickly, life goes back to normal by 6 weeks. My fucking ass! Let them experience what I went through, please! It is not fair I am judged for being upset, yet their experience was nowhere near mine. Let them go through what I did, feel what I felt, let them live those four months what I went through. When I told the doctor I was in a lot of pain, well I don't feel anything abnormal going on. I couldn't even get a new prescription for the pain. And my wound was open for 4 months. They could stick wooden sticks and gauze in my abdomen, but they couldn't give me fucking percocet to kill the pain. Thanks doctors, you sure do help your patients!