Reality set in....
I was just talking to my sister in law, who doubles as my best friend, about our weight. It may sound all mushy or typical but I think she is beautiful. She's a big woman yes, but everytime I see her smile I think to myself how pretty she is. And she has the best hair. There's just something about her and her brother. They are the most thoughtful and selfless people I know. Its really hard for me to have any confidence right now because once again, I am overweight. I've been overweight for 6 years now... almost 7 really. I had lost so much weight when I started dating Daniel. Now, its all back but atleast I have an excuse this time. When I was younger everyone said I would be the first married and the first to be a mom. Well, I was pretty much the last, yet I was the first fat one with stretch marks everywhere. Seems a bit ironic. My mother was thin, until after she had my brother. She died while in labor and it is said that trauma will cause your body to stop producing one of the key hormones or vitamins that help break down fat. So, my little 5'1" mom went from 130 to 200lbs. I've watched her battle her weight and fight with failing self esteem all my life. I've always taken her example and learned from it. I look in the mirror alot. Especially when I am in a situation where I think I should look cute. The tattoo shops where I hang out are the worst places for me because I am surrounded by men and mirrors. I've never been concieted, even when I was 111lbs I was selfconcious. I have all of this running through my head and I got upset. I called Daniel and was crying... its really hard on me. When I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror I noticed something. Aside from the red eyes from crying... I look so much like my mom. I have the same features, the same lines, but most of all the same tired sadness in my eyes. Since I moved away from my mom, I haven't been the same. And, since my Granny died, my mother hasn't been either. I think what it really is, is that my mom and I are best friends and we are so close that there just isn't any way to accept the distance between us. There's always that undertone in her voice when I talk to her on the phone. It always seems like she just wants to break down in tears and beg me to come home. After all the years and all the childhood fights and dissapointments where I vowed that I wouldn't be like my mom, here I am, someone elses mom, but still just like mine. Sorry, this is kinda depressing I know. Its just some thoughts I needed to get off of my chest.