An unseasonal crackfic
Warnings: Total Halloween crack! OOC folks, two mild swearwords, very adult references but no sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns it all, even at Halloween.
Description: A Halloween one-shot. It is OOC sillyness, sorry!
The Halloween Incident
Nyota marveled that even after hundreds of years Halloween still went on, even up here among the stars. Beta shift just got off and were using the holiday as an excuse to let loose, dress up and jump out at one another while downing cups of brain-drain. This turned out to be beer with a shot of synthesized pumpkin schnapps, and tastier than it sounded, kind of.
“Hey Janice, what are those, they look cute.” Janice was dressed as an old style cigarette girl in red lipstick and a pillbox hat with a tray of luminous miniature skulls slung around her neck. She had a candy cigarette dangling from the side of her mouth.
“Marzipan heads, with lime jello in the middle for brains. Are ya brave enough?”
“Erm, they’re glowing, are they safe?” Nyota eyeballed the dubious green treats, poking one with a long, black manicured nail.
Janice stuck her cigarette into her stocking top, and cocked her hip. “Mr. Spock came by and had a whole bunch of them.”
That figures, thought Nyota. With his protein and peanut butter obsession it wasn’t a surprise he liked marzipan. The sharp lime taste would have appealed to him too.
“And the glow?” She poked again.
“Scotty says it’s safe, he said Bones tested it before he put it in.”
Nyota giggled. “Bones made skulls? Now that’s a Halloween pun!”
“Or a punishment!” snorted Janice. “I wouldn’t mind a punishment from the doc!”
They exploded laughing as poor McCoy approached unawares. Nyota popped the glowing skull into her mouth. It was sweet and sour all at the same time, zingy and moreish. Two brain-drains and a few skulls later Janice was stroking McCoy’s uniform shirt in a lascivious manner. He looked flustered, tugging at his collar in a gesture that suggested he was too hot. Nyota thought it was time to make a hasty exit back to Spock’s quarters.
“Hey guys, I’m off to try one of Christine’s jello eyeballs, see you later?” Bones looked as if he was about to say something to Nyota, then his gaze wandered to the top of Janice’s stocking. His eyes widened.
“Uh, those things have been illegal for centuries you know, yeoman.”
“What, garter belts?”
“Um, n-no, erm, cigarettes.” More collar tugging.
“Keep your panties on, it’s a candy stick. If you want one you can have this one, it’s my last.” Janice extended her long, smooth stockinged thigh towards the Doctor.
Nyota ran, not wishing to see the inevitable result. An image of the Doctor, hair sticking up wildly, uniform shirt askew and lipstick on his face flashed into her mind. Janice was a single-minded seductress.
She pressed the door pad at Spock’s and stepped inside. The quarters were in darkness. Where was Spock?
“Computer, lights forty percent.”
“Computer, lights five percent.” Spock’s deep tones rumbled out from the depths.
Nyota’s stomach lurched. Perhaps the brain-drain had been a bad idea. “Spock! What the hell? I almost had a heart attack! What on earth are you doing?”
“It appears, Nyota, that I am, as you would say, out of sorts. I believe I have ingested a substance incompatible with my Vulcan physiology.”
Spock wore a thin, black robe; his long limbs folded into a low chair in the sitting area, barely outlined in the dim light. By his posture, he looked slightly downcast.
Nyota sat down opposite him and leaned in towards the seated figure. “Tell me how you feel, sweetie, do you need to see Dr McCoy?” She wondered if perhaps the Doctor might welcome the interruption.
Spock’s lips pressed together in a line. He was silent.
“Spock?”
After a silence of some seconds, he eventually spoke. “I am afraid the symptoms are visual.”
“What?”
“I am afraid the symptoms are visual.”
Nyota sighed, Spock was so literal.
“Yes, I heard, I just don’t comprehend.”
“I had hoped to spare you this, and myself, but I fear there is no other course of action. I assure you I had not anticipated our evening ending in this manner. You will understand that my immediate thoughts had been to avoid Dr. McCoy.”
Impatient now, Nyota’s nails drummed on the coffee table between them. “For Pete’s sake, quit stalling! What are you talking about? Why are the lights down?”
Spock slowly untied the front of his robe and opened it.
Nyota gasped. Her hands gripped the sides of her chair so hard she could feel the skin on her knuckles stretching. Every muscle in her body became rigid as her breathing slowed almost to a halt. Her whole body was united in an effort to stop herself from laughing out loud. She was suddenly very glad of the dim light. Her instinct was to grab a cushion, lie down on the floor, kick her boot heels on the carpet and laugh ‘till her sides split. Spock, or a very special part of him, was at full attention. And gently glowing in the gloom. The room was now illuminated by a faint, luminous green. All she could think was if Spock required a response she would not be able to answer. Her eyes began to tear up with effort. To her utter shame she let out a loud snort. Oh crap.
“Nyota!” Spock hastily tied his robe. “I thought, of all the crewmen, I could expect a mature response from you.”
“Why? How many other crewmen have you shown it to?”
“Lights forty percent.” Spock‘s eyebrows lowered menacingly. “Am I to understand I am now an object of your ridicule and mirth? I am extremely disappointed in you Nyota.”
Oh double crap; she was getting a proper dad’s telling off now. From her lover. Who was clearly agitated, as much as a Vulcan could be. She was shamed into calmness.
“Spock, I’m so sorry. You’ve got to understand this situation is…unprecedented. My reaction wasn’t exactly planned.”
Spock’s eyebrow rose in an unspoken Vulcan version of “No shit, Sherlock?”.
Nyota let out a long breath. “Do you think you are in danger? What caused this?”
“I am unsure of the danger level. I ingested several ‘spooky skulls’ as served by Yeoman Rand this evening. My hypothesis thus far is that the luminous appearance of the confection is caused by a substance metallic in molecular structure and it has bonded with my copper based hemoglobin. The concentration of blood in“ - Spock stuttered slightly and fiddled with the tie on his robe - “…my extremity renders the glow more…potent.”
“And the reason for the - um - concentration?”
“Unknown, I do not possess enough data.”
“Sugar, I’m really sorry but I think we should talk to Doctor McCoy. We need to know what that stuff is.”
Poor Spock began to look resigned. “You must understand for a Vulcan this is, as humans say, the final indignity.”
He took his left hand from the pocket of his robe, stretched out his beautiful long fingers in front of his face, rested his forehead onto them and lowered his eyes. They sat in silence for many seconds until Nyota saw Spock’s shoulders tremor minutely. It was the closest she had ever seen to him give a shudder. She felt awful. Spock was an emotionally and physically dignified man. He would be mortified to be seen by Doctor McCoy in this condition, even though he would never admit to such an emotion. She tentatively held out her hand to him. The hand still in his robe pocket emerged slowly and lay on top of her palm. She stilled herself for the ghost of emotion through the touch of his hand, but something was in the way.
“What’s this?” She looked up at Spock who had the strangest expression on his face, definitely one she had never quite seen before. It was not unlike the expression he had while centering himself before meditation. She turned a tiny, flat square over in her hand. It was a small, card folder with a picture of a medieval knight atop a horse and beneath it, a series of words; Knight Lights, glow-in-the-dark prophylactics. For all your holiday fun. Ultra thin, natural tip. Size XL.
For an A+ student it took a while for the penny to drop. Nyota looked in puzzlement at the small card folder. Glow-in the-dark rubbers.
“Spock!” She stopped, unable to think of anything else to say. “You laughed back there! I thought you were shuddering with horror!”
“I assure you, I did no such thing.”
“You DID!”
“I merely had an itch on my shoulder.”
“Who put you up to this? You Vulcan devil!”
Spock had the grace to look ever so slightly sheepish. “Indirectly, Mr. Scott.”
“Oh, so now you are unable to lie?” She was shouting.
Spock had the good sense to remain silent.
“How on earth could this possibly come up in conversation? Scotty and Jim I would understand, but Scotty and you?” She shot out of her seat, hands on hips. The telling off was on the other boot now.
“It was a communal breakfast conversation. Mr. Chekov enquired after the most successful strategy to woo a lady. Jim, as you may imagine, had several unorthodox suggestions. All the Captain’s ideas had the effect of giving Mr. Chekov the appearance - as Doctor McCoy noted - of a jackrabbit facing the headlights of a truck. Mr. Scott however said, in his opinion, the way to a woman’s heart was through laughter. He then described a similar scenario to tonight’s - although he wore a tartan bonnet and his Knight Light to greet a lady friend. She was apparently much taken with him after that. Mr. Scott assisted Doctor McCoy with the construction of his sweetmeats last night. I was called upon to aid with xenotoxicity testing of the luminous confectionary dye and thus began the germ of an idea.”
Nyota was stunned. She stood over Spock and thumped his arm.
“I also recalled that Jim once told me I would be ‘a natural’ for Trick or Treat, and I wished to make you laugh. The sound of your laughter pleases me. I know it is illogical, but it is true.”
Nyota melted. “Computer, lights five percent. Show me again Spock.”
He obliged.
She couldn’t help it, giggles bubbled up and she laughed until she could hardly breathe. Between desperate attempts to gulp in air she managed to squeak out “That’s some damn good Vulcan control you have there mister!”
“Indeed, Nyota. Jim tells me for every trick there must be a treat.”