Logic in the Face of Pain (Spock/Uhura--G)
The pain he feels in the aftermath of Nyota’s demise is logical. She was young, far younger than he had ever anticipated her leaving him. They had only been unified for twelve years, even less than his own parents. She had always told him that she would grow old with him, that she would stay with him as long as she could. It was not a promise that should have been made, but he had believed it foolishly. He deducts that’s why he is not at peace with her death, though he reasons that it was not her intention to die.
It is logical that he should feel resigned after her death. Nyota had been his first lasting friend, his first real friend. When they had stepped over the thin line separating them from lovers, he had not felt as though he had to compromise anything to her more Terran perceptions of love. It was exceedingly simple to be with her. She picked up on everything he never said, though he now wishes he had, just in case she ever doubted. She met him halfway, flowing as easily into his life as she often said he flowed into hers.
Now, he is flowing into empty space, and she has left a gaping, if not completely metaphorical, hole inside of him. He finds that it is increasingly difficult to interact with the rest of the crew due to this void inside of him and pieces around him. It is as if his ability to communicate left with her. It is more likely that with Nyota around he had unconsciously attuned himself to his human heritage. With nothing but the pain as his constant incorporeal companion, it is difficult to do anything other than throw himself into his Vulcan training.
Logically, he should cherish Nyota’s memories. He does this as well as he wishes they would leave him in peace. She is… haunting him everywhere. On the Bridge, he could still smell her perfume. In Jim’s quarters, where most of the Senior Staff was subject to be when not on duty, he could hear her laughing. While in their rooms, she was ubiquitous-at her desk, on their bed, in the lavatory, humming, singing, speaking, staying.
Her memories pain him.
They are a constant reminder of what he is no longer able to partake in.
Her memories sooth him.
At least, he was able to share in a relationship with her.
Logic also dictates that he should move on, as his father had after his mother’s death. He was always expected to outlive her. Vulcans can live up to three times as long as their human counterparts. While she could have grown old before his eyes, he would just be reaching the second level of Vulcan maturity. It would be expected that he be prepared to move on. He should seek a new partner, and perhaps, this time, consummate the betrothal with offspring.
It is not the Vulcan way to linger on the past. He should keep her memory with him always, but never linger. He must continue moving forward.
Illogically, Spock finds he does not want to.