Chillzin, and living the dream
Well, LA was the right place to go.
In six months I've done more than most people who move out here. It's probably in no small part due to the endless stream of determination and ambition that comes with not letting anything stand in the way of your dreams. I suppose my career-minded, goal-oriented state of mind is both a blessing and a curse. On the side of pursuing my career and chasing my dreams it really does play in my favor, but on the side of furthering my social life it kind of inhibits. This isn't to say I have no friends. It just says that I'm a whole lot less social than most people I used to hang out with back when my life revolved around conventions and school and waiting for the degree that would carry me out to Los Angeles.
For those of you I still hang with, well.. cheers, we're still buddies. I know a whole bunch of you keep trying to get into contact with me and it's like pulling teeth -- believe me, I'm really sorry about it. But I appreciate people who stick by me through thick and thin and don't cowardly bow out the second I express a thought or an attitude that isn't immediately self-deprecating and satisfying to them. I used to run with a lot of people like that, and a lot of people like that hurt me pretty deep. Now, that's not to say I didn't probably hurt them to at some point. Hurt is the currency of the world. Even when you're doing your best NOT to hurt people, you end up hurting them, and since the only one's you usually consciously interact with are the people you love, they're often the ones you end up hurting.
So I can throw out my official apologies for ever hurting someone I loved, and as I know it's liable to at some point happen again, I can only continue to apologize and try to get 'better' at making myself a better friend.
But I've done a lot of thinking in the six months of intense, career-building alone time that I've had out here in LA and I've realized that for me to be truly happy, things need to get out and I need to stop thinking about not just one or two, but several of them. I'm not an unhappy person. How could I be unhappy?
Socially I'm less than ecstatic. True. I don't have a significant other to canoodle with in my comfy bed and I'm still a virgin. Well. Shit happens. You know? Whoops, who cares. I long for things just like anyone else does, but I think that when I get the things I long for, I'll make the right decisions in getting there, and those things will be all that much more sweet for it when I get to them. Far better to linger wanting for something spectacular and to finally get it... than to throw standards and hopes away in exchange for a cheap thrill.
I've always blurred the line between social butterfly and introverted loner. When I want to be out, I want to be OUT! but when I want to be in, I don't want anyone to bother me, and both periods can last for days or weeks at a time. It makes me of the right mindset to be a writer, I guess, because I can knuckle down and be okay spending countless hours at the keyboard, which is par for the scriptwriting course.
I'm content, really when it comes down to it. But the moments that I'm not content, I start to realize, come from when I start to pour back over old pages, old people, and into old email addresses trying to reconnect to people that I on some level or another long for 'closure' with. Closer that I know will never come because sometimes you run into people with whom you just don't mesh. People you were never meant to 'be with' in the beginning, and people you probably CLASHED with in the end, even if in the beginning everything seemed all right, if not downright splendid. I've run into a few of these people and allowed it to get to me FAR too much trying to figure out what *I* did wrong, what I should fix, and how I can reconnect or at least get some closure on this or that issue with.... only to realize now that, really the thing that will make me as happy as they are... is the cessation of caring what they get up to, who with, and whether or not they're even still around.
I have issues "letting go" ... I got this from my mother who's like, the queen of clinging.
I have issues just outright stopping caring. When something doesn't have "closure" it bothers me.. for MONTHS. I can be sick to my stomach forever and obsess over ridiculous shit for endless lengths of time and all it does is impede my ability to focus on the things going on my life that are absolutely AMAZING. And believe me, there are some things going on in my life right now that are pretty FUCKING great.... things that people trying to do what I'm trying to do would turn positively *green* at when finding out I've got them going on.
And that's pretty effing cool. I've spent a lot of my life jealous of what other people have -- even if it's seemed like I "have" more than they do. Now though... I've got some things that I'm so proud to have earned it's almost a compliment to know that people are jealous of me, and I'm not wanting what other people've got anymore. Because I've kind of got myself going in the direction I want to be in, collecting the things I want to get.
I need to get a little zen, socially though, and loooooooooooooooose the excess baggage. These people I've kind of hung myself over haven't been worth my errant thoughts, nevermind my constant concern.
So I guess that's my new-move resolution. I'm starting over, and the only people I'm bringing with me are the people who deserve my consideration, and whose consideration I've earned in return --- people who know life's not perfect and friendships aren't all sunshine and roses. People who stick around even when shit hits the fan, and even when the shit is coming from me and they're PISSED about it.
People who stick around even when I hurt them because they know that they've hurt me too from time to time.
On the career side.
Worked on two films and a television series in six months. Interviewed for 4 major top executive assistant / personal assistant positions. About to start working on webisodes for a revolutionary movement that deserves more recognition than it's getting and couldn't be more excited. Going to punch a producer in the face on this film I'm working on at the moment, but it puts me in the same room as David Carridine (Bill from Kill Bill), Udo Kier (The big bad vampire in BLADE), and Norman Reedus (from The Boondock Saints), and with some people who have done some seriously awesome work with some SERIOUSLY big names.
My list of contacts grows and so does my list of employment. Rent is coming in easily now and I remain debt-free. I may even be able to buy a condo or house next May depending on how things go, given my excellent credit score.
Will have an IMDB credit soon. Very excited about it. Haha!
Peace,
"Sides"
In six months I've done more than most people who move out here. It's probably in no small part due to the endless stream of determination and ambition that comes with not letting anything stand in the way of your dreams. I suppose my career-minded, goal-oriented state of mind is both a blessing and a curse. On the side of pursuing my career and chasing my dreams it really does play in my favor, but on the side of furthering my social life it kind of inhibits. This isn't to say I have no friends. It just says that I'm a whole lot less social than most people I used to hang out with back when my life revolved around conventions and school and waiting for the degree that would carry me out to Los Angeles.
For those of you I still hang with, well.. cheers, we're still buddies. I know a whole bunch of you keep trying to get into contact with me and it's like pulling teeth -- believe me, I'm really sorry about it. But I appreciate people who stick by me through thick and thin and don't cowardly bow out the second I express a thought or an attitude that isn't immediately self-deprecating and satisfying to them. I used to run with a lot of people like that, and a lot of people like that hurt me pretty deep. Now, that's not to say I didn't probably hurt them to at some point. Hurt is the currency of the world. Even when you're doing your best NOT to hurt people, you end up hurting them, and since the only one's you usually consciously interact with are the people you love, they're often the ones you end up hurting.
So I can throw out my official apologies for ever hurting someone I loved, and as I know it's liable to at some point happen again, I can only continue to apologize and try to get 'better' at making myself a better friend.
But I've done a lot of thinking in the six months of intense, career-building alone time that I've had out here in LA and I've realized that for me to be truly happy, things need to get out and I need to stop thinking about not just one or two, but several of them. I'm not an unhappy person. How could I be unhappy?
Socially I'm less than ecstatic. True. I don't have a significant other to canoodle with in my comfy bed and I'm still a virgin. Well. Shit happens. You know? Whoops, who cares. I long for things just like anyone else does, but I think that when I get the things I long for, I'll make the right decisions in getting there, and those things will be all that much more sweet for it when I get to them. Far better to linger wanting for something spectacular and to finally get it... than to throw standards and hopes away in exchange for a cheap thrill.
I've always blurred the line between social butterfly and introverted loner. When I want to be out, I want to be OUT! but when I want to be in, I don't want anyone to bother me, and both periods can last for days or weeks at a time. It makes me of the right mindset to be a writer, I guess, because I can knuckle down and be okay spending countless hours at the keyboard, which is par for the scriptwriting course.
I'm content, really when it comes down to it. But the moments that I'm not content, I start to realize, come from when I start to pour back over old pages, old people, and into old email addresses trying to reconnect to people that I on some level or another long for 'closure' with. Closer that I know will never come because sometimes you run into people with whom you just don't mesh. People you were never meant to 'be with' in the beginning, and people you probably CLASHED with in the end, even if in the beginning everything seemed all right, if not downright splendid. I've run into a few of these people and allowed it to get to me FAR too much trying to figure out what *I* did wrong, what I should fix, and how I can reconnect or at least get some closure on this or that issue with.... only to realize now that, really the thing that will make me as happy as they are... is the cessation of caring what they get up to, who with, and whether or not they're even still around.
I have issues "letting go" ... I got this from my mother who's like, the queen of clinging.
I have issues just outright stopping caring. When something doesn't have "closure" it bothers me.. for MONTHS. I can be sick to my stomach forever and obsess over ridiculous shit for endless lengths of time and all it does is impede my ability to focus on the things going on my life that are absolutely AMAZING. And believe me, there are some things going on in my life right now that are pretty FUCKING great.... things that people trying to do what I'm trying to do would turn positively *green* at when finding out I've got them going on.
And that's pretty effing cool. I've spent a lot of my life jealous of what other people have -- even if it's seemed like I "have" more than they do. Now though... I've got some things that I'm so proud to have earned it's almost a compliment to know that people are jealous of me, and I'm not wanting what other people've got anymore. Because I've kind of got myself going in the direction I want to be in, collecting the things I want to get.
I need to get a little zen, socially though, and loooooooooooooooose the excess baggage. These people I've kind of hung myself over haven't been worth my errant thoughts, nevermind my constant concern.
So I guess that's my new-move resolution. I'm starting over, and the only people I'm bringing with me are the people who deserve my consideration, and whose consideration I've earned in return --- people who know life's not perfect and friendships aren't all sunshine and roses. People who stick around even when shit hits the fan, and even when the shit is coming from me and they're PISSED about it.
People who stick around even when I hurt them because they know that they've hurt me too from time to time.
On the career side.
Worked on two films and a television series in six months. Interviewed for 4 major top executive assistant / personal assistant positions. About to start working on webisodes for a revolutionary movement that deserves more recognition than it's getting and couldn't be more excited. Going to punch a producer in the face on this film I'm working on at the moment, but it puts me in the same room as David Carridine (Bill from Kill Bill), Udo Kier (The big bad vampire in BLADE), and Norman Reedus (from The Boondock Saints), and with some people who have done some seriously awesome work with some SERIOUSLY big names.
My list of contacts grows and so does my list of employment. Rent is coming in easily now and I remain debt-free. I may even be able to buy a condo or house next May depending on how things go, given my excellent credit score.
Will have an IMDB credit soon. Very excited about it. Haha!
Peace,
"Sides"