2 fics - one with Child Neglect in John's POV, one with Dean's
Hi, very long shot since I remember so little about the fics I am looking for... but I have to ask because I really want to find them!
They are probably on AO3. I don't think there was a pairing. Both deal with the child neglect John inflicted on Sam and Dean - they might even be the same fic, I'm unsure.
I just remember I was awe-struck by some sentences and I'm so sad I lost them.
1. In the beginning of the first one, we see John thinking of his boys while finishing a hunt and regretting that he has to put so much weight on young Dean's shoulders, leaving him alone to raise Sam, being away for so long at a time, coming home way later than announced... but he's also justifying it in his head because he has no other choice. In particular, he repeats at least twice something like 'It's okay. Dean understands.'
Later on, I think he comes home to find something bad has happened or is happening to Sam and Dean - maybe they are sick, or stuggling to pay rent? Not sure.
2. In the second one, I can only remember a passing thought of Dean's but it also struck me because I thought it fit him so well. It was something like "In his mind, Dean has always been the same age he is now." (or "his current age", or something). It's a protection mechanism: because when Dean imagines his young self and thinks back to all the shit he had to go through when growing up, it makes his _big brother_ instincts kick in and he wants to punch the adults that should have seen how much he struggled but didn't do anything to help. (or maybe just John.)
There might even have been a paragraph on Adam, about how Dean understands why John never let him meet Adam because "he would just have become another Sam" (but that might be a third fic I lost... sad).
Sorry for the vagueness of all this, I think I read them months ago and hope I didn't merge everything in my mind. If it rings even the slightest bell I'd be so happy to hear it! I'm a sucker for the Child neglect trope and them coming to terms with it...
Thanks so much in advance!