Missing (Fun fact? This ended up being 666 words, lol)tahirireJune 14 2010, 22:28:48 UTC
When Sammy was a baby, John was there when he took his first steps. It was harder to leave the boys alone back then; Sam seemed so fragile and tiny in John’s hands, and a pall of evil followed him like a shroud, haunting his innocence wherever they went.
When Sammy took his first steps, John was so proud that he tucked Dean under his right arm and, bending double, he held Sammy’s small hand in his left and guided them straight to the car. From there he drove them to the ice cream shop, and Dean ordered chocolate and Sammy took one bite of his vanilla and then tried to slink out of the booth because he wanted to try it again, and even though it was hardly any kind of a real celebration, John watched Mary’s boys laugh and smile and felt like maybe he could do it after all. Like maybe he could protect them.
Looking back now, he thinks maybe he was wrong.
The whirr of the respirator is the only sound in the room, and John watches Dean’s chest rise and fall, stilted, like it would rather just rest forever.
When Sam first learned the truth, Dean had been the one to tell him. Dean had comforted him and made him believe it was going to be alright, because Dean believed in his father. And it worked, because Sam believed in Dean.
When Sam kissed a girl for the first time, he’d told Dean about it, and Dean had told John, and John had been weirdly proud of how proud Dean was.
When Sam graduated, he didn’t go. John didn’t push him, either - what would be the point? It would have just seemed hypocritical, after all of their fighting. Dean, though … it didn’t settle right with Dean. Sam had all but decked his brother to get some peace and quiet that night, but Dean prevailed in the end, and he dragged Sam out for beers and a couple of appearances at an after party or two. Gave Sam the chance to say goodbye to what few friends he’d managed to make that month.
John has heard men say that when a guy is about to die, his life flashes before his eyes. John barely remembers his own life, but as he sits there in the dark and watches his son’s lives scroll across the mirror of his memories, one thing becomes abundantly clear.
All of Sam’s life, John has been missing.
He sighs and runs a tired, shaky hand through his beard. Mary hated him with a beard, always poked at him to shave it off. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit that her annoyance was why he’d grown it in the first place. He liked the way she wrinkled her nose when she got upset.
John wants to take Dean’s hand, to tell him it’s going to be alright and he loves him, but he’s alone in the room. Dean’s not in that body, and unless John does something to fix it, he isn’t coming back.
John knows the path that lies ahead for Sam and Dean, and it shakes him. He’d do anything to save his sons their fate, to be there to stand with them when the time comes to choose, but that would be useless.
John stands suddenly. He brushes Dean’s forehead with the backs of his fingers and he whispers a prayer of protection, for everything that it’s worth. For once in his life, he’s sure he found a plan worth the risk.
John will save both his sons. He’ll pass on his warning to Dean, and it will be enough because Dean believes in him. And Sam will be alright, because Sam believes in Dean.
He smiles. Those boys are all he has, his whole world. He can go easy now, knowing that he’s left them each other.
It’s simple, really. All he has to do is go missing one more time.
Re: Missing (Fun fact? This ended up being 666 words, lol)khakigrrlJune 15 2010, 00:25:48 UTC
*meep*
Oh, John. Sometimes, I could just whack you with a spoon.
Still, I really liked this fic. Great view of John and his rationalizations and his underlying love. I loved the glimpse of very-wee!chesters and how John at least gave 'em a bit of a childhood midst his obsession.
Re: Missing (Fun fact? This ended up being 666 words, lol)wynefredJune 15 2010, 02:56:21 UTC
This was amazing. Truly heart-wrenching. I love fics set during IMTOD, and this one from John's POV is perfect. You used my favorite lines to sort of bookend the story beautifully.
Re: Missing (Fun fact? This ended up being 666 words, lol)tahirireJune 15 2010, 03:03:42 UTC
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Every now and then I find myself missing John and using fic as an excuse to flip through his journal, lol. IMTOD is one of the best episodes still to this day, in my opinion. ♥Winchester men.♥.
Re: Missing (Fun fact? This ended up being 666 words, lol)borgmama1of5June 16 2010, 02:31:35 UTC
"John will save both his sons. He’ll pass on his warning to Dean, and it will be enough because Dean believes in him. And Sam will be alright, because Sam believes in Dean."
For the first time John's warning to Dean makes a kind of sense (Winchester-type sense.) I never understood why John just said that little bit to Dean.
And I want to smack John for not seeing what his words will do to the boys!
When Sammy was a baby, John was there when he took his first steps. It was harder to leave the boys alone back then; Sam seemed so fragile and tiny in John’s hands, and a pall of evil followed him like a shroud, haunting his innocence wherever they went.
When Sammy took his first steps, John was so proud that he tucked Dean under his right arm and, bending double, he held Sammy’s small hand in his left and guided them straight to the car. From there he drove them to the ice cream shop, and Dean ordered chocolate and Sammy took one bite of his vanilla and then tried to slink out of the booth because he wanted to try it again, and even though it was hardly any kind of a real celebration, John watched Mary’s boys laugh and smile and felt like maybe he could do it after all. Like maybe he could protect them.
Looking back now, he thinks maybe he was wrong.
The whirr of the respirator is the only sound in the room, and John watches Dean’s chest rise and fall, stilted, like it would rather just rest forever.
When Sam first learned the truth, Dean had been the one to tell him. Dean had comforted him and made him believe it was going to be alright, because Dean believed in his father. And it worked, because Sam believed in Dean.
When Sam kissed a girl for the first time, he’d told Dean about it, and Dean had told John, and John had been weirdly proud of how proud Dean was.
When Sam graduated, he didn’t go. John didn’t push him, either - what would be the point? It would have just seemed hypocritical, after all of their fighting. Dean, though … it didn’t settle right with Dean. Sam had all but decked his brother to get some peace and quiet that night, but Dean prevailed in the end, and he dragged Sam out for beers and a couple of appearances at an after party or two. Gave Sam the chance to say goodbye to what few friends he’d managed to make that month.
John has heard men say that when a guy is about to die, his life flashes before his eyes. John barely remembers his own life, but as he sits there in the dark and watches his son’s lives scroll across the mirror of his memories, one thing becomes abundantly clear.
All of Sam’s life, John has been missing.
He sighs and runs a tired, shaky hand through his beard. Mary hated him with a beard, always poked at him to shave it off. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit that her annoyance was why he’d grown it in the first place. He liked the way she wrinkled her nose when she got upset.
John wants to take Dean’s hand, to tell him it’s going to be alright and he loves him, but he’s alone in the room. Dean’s not in that body, and unless John does something to fix it, he isn’t coming back.
John knows the path that lies ahead for Sam and Dean, and it shakes him. He’d do anything to save his sons their fate, to be there to stand with them when the time comes to choose, but that would be useless.
John stands suddenly. He brushes Dean’s forehead with the backs of his fingers and he whispers a prayer of protection, for everything that it’s worth. For once in his life, he’s sure he found a plan worth the risk.
John will save both his sons. He’ll pass on his warning to Dean, and it will be enough because Dean believes in him. And Sam will be alright, because Sam believes in Dean.
He smiles. Those boys are all he has, his whole world. He can go easy now, knowing that he’s left them each other.
It’s simple, really. All he has to do is go missing one more time.
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Oh, John. Sometimes, I could just whack you with a spoon.
Still, I really liked this fic. Great view of John and his rationalizations and his underlying love. I loved the glimpse of very-wee!chesters and how John at least gave 'em a bit of a childhood midst his obsession.
Thanks!
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And to answer your other comment - of course! Prompt all you like!
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Every now and then I find myself missing John and using fic as an excuse to flip through his journal, lol. IMTOD is one of the best episodes still to this day, in my opinion. ♥Winchester men.♥.
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This: And Sam will be alright, because Sam believes in Dean.
--- Just lovely.
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For the first time John's warning to Dean makes a kind of sense (Winchester-type sense.) I never understood why John just said that little bit to Dean.
And I want to smack John for not seeing what his words will do to the boys!
Excellently written!
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I'm glad you liked it!
Ps - And thanks for helping me keep this place organized. ♥
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Glad you like it!
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*sniffle*
Your boys could have done without you missing, sometimes. Especially then.
*hugs them all*
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Thanks for reading!
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And that it's 666 words is serendipitously scary.
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Thanks for reading!
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